Funny Friday – June 19, 2015

—oo—

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants ?”

“Over there by mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.

—oo—

—oo—

Will Rogers was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.
Some of his sayings:

1. Always drink upstream from the herd.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. (Ladies) never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to piss on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment .

10. If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral : When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

—oo—

—oo—

Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the ‘Wal-Martians’ is always good for some comic release.

Besides, I always feel pretty ‘normal’ after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.

But, I digress … enough of my psychological fixations…..

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked,

“Are you a Vietnam Vet?” “No,” I replied. “Then why are you wearing that cap?”

“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812.” [I thought this was a snappy retort.]

“The War of 1812, huh?” the ‘Wal-Martian’ queried, “When was that?”

God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity.

“1936,” I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment, and then asked,

“Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”

“It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it.”

(This was beginning to be way too much fun!) “DUDE! Really?” he exclaimed.

“How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice, said. “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.” “Dude!!” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing!

“That is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you… kind of stand out?”

“Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage.”

The moron nodded knowingly.

“Listen, man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still ‘top secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh yeah?” he gave me that, ‘don’t threaten me’ look.

“Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”

With a really hard look I said, “You have a family, don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?” The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time, the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard.

I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of their parking lot in a flurry of dust!

What a great time I had!

Tomorrow I’m going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day, I will go to the DMV — so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.

Whoever said ‘Retirement is boring,’ just needs the right kind of cap!

—oo—

—oo—

She’s single… She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and  I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get  laid tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

—oo—

—oo—

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preacher nearby black Church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it was all about.

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today. ”

I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: “By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today. ”

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my friggin car had been stolen…

—oo—

—oo—

The old man struggles to get up from the couch, then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”

She asks, “Why, are you sick?”

He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”

Immediately, the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He asks, “Where the hell are you going”?

She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”

He asks, “Why, what do you need?”

She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”

—oo—

—oo—

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”

—oo—

(hat-tip Gil, Grouchy, Skip, Mike, Garnet)

Have a great Friday.  A few god laughs erases the bullshit from the rest of the week.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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11 Responses to Funny Friday – June 19, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    Whew! The chicken question is finally answered! LOL

    His And Hers Road Trip

    HERS:

    Pulls off at wrong exit.
    Opens window.
    Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer.
    Arrives at destination presently.

    HIS:

    Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
    Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
    Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
    Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
    Pulls up to a 7 -11.
    Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
    Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
    Gets back into car.
    Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
    Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
    Almost hits a deer.
    Curses the night.
    Curses you.
    Curses the large slurpee.
    Drives and fiddles with radio.
    Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
    Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
    He hates your sister.
    Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
    He had to look up pernicious.
    Couldn’t find a dictionary.
    Finally found a dictionary.
    Couldn’t spell pernicious.
    Seethes at the memory of it all.
    But she is laughing inside..
    And of course you’re still lost.

  2. Garnet92 says:

    Guy with a bad toothache walks into a dentist’s office.
    The dentist introduces herself and seats guy in chair.
    He points out his painful tooth. She checks and sees a tooth that obviously needs to be pulled.

    She turns away for a moment and when she turns back, she’s got a big syringe in her hand. “Open wide; I need to deaden your tooth.”
    “Whoa, no way” – the guy exclaims. “No needles, I can’t take needles.”

    “Ok, then we’ll use gas,” the dentist says as she puts down the syringe and reaches for a mask.
    “No mask,” the guy says, “I can’t take anything covering my mouth and nose.”

    Warily, the dentist asks “what about pills?”
    “Yes, I can do pills.”
    The dentist gives the man a small cup with two blue pills in it. He takes the pills.
    She excuses herself for a few minutes and when she returns, he asks, “What was in those pills?”

    The dentist answers, “Viagra.”
    The guy says “I didn’t know that Viagra was good for pain.”
    “It’s not, I just wanted you to have something to hang onto while I pull your tooth.”

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    To anyone who was young, once upon a time:

    A Florida State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight , he sees a couple in a car, in lovers’ lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees
    a young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine.

    He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

    Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window. The young man lowers his window. ‘Uh, yes, Officer’?

    The trooper asks: ‘What are you doing?’

    The young man says: ‘Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.’

    Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: ‘And, her, what is she doing?’

    The young man shrugs: ‘Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.’

    Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover’s lane and nothing obscene is happening!

    The trooper asks: ‘What’s your age, young man?’

    The young man says: ‘I’m 22, sir.’

    The trooper asks: ‘And her, what’s her age?’

    The young man looks at his watch and replies: ‘She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.’

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Who said Nursing Homes were boring?

    Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, “I know just what you’re wanting. For $5.00 I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.”

    The old lady looked surprised but didn’t say a word.

    The old man continued,”For $10.00 I’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20.00, I’ll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you’ve ever had in your life.”

    The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up.

    “So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,” says the old man.

    “Get serious,” she replies. “Four times in the rocking chair!”

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Why Teachers DRINK

    The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination.
    These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

    Q. Name the four seasons.
    A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q. How is dew formed?
    A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q. What are steroids?
    A.. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ..
    (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

    Q. What happens to your body as you age?
    A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
    (So true.)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A.. Premature death.

    Q. What is artificial insemination?
    A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A.. Keep it in the cow.
    (Simple, but brilliant.)

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen)
    A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
    The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A.. A small lie.

    Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
    A.. Nearby.

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
    A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
    (That would work.)

    Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section.’
    A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A.. A Roman Emperor.
    (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

    Q. What is a terminal illness?
    A.. When you are sick at the airport.
    (Irrefutable.)

    Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
    A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
    (Brilliant.)

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Subject: URGENT UPDATE FROM KFC

    Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?

    Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?

    And when KFC offered a “Hillary” meal consisting of two small breasts and
    two large thighs?

    Now KFC is offering the “Obama Cabinet Bucket.” It consists of nothing but
    left wings and chicken shit.

    Just keeping you up to date.

  3. vonmesser says:

    A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.
    ————————————————————————
    Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
    ————————————————————————
    Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.
    ————————————————————————
    Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
    ————————————————————————
    Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.
    ————————————————————————
    Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
    ————————————————————————
    Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille, because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
    ————————————————————————
    Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

  4. Western Guy says:

    This one showed up on my Facebook page. …..Girls Night Out
    The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m. (a bit loaded ) I headed for home.
    Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
    I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution (even when totally smashed ) in order to escape a possible conflict.
    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him “midnight “, he didn’t seem mad at all.
    Whew! , Got away with that one.
    Then he said “I think we need a new cuckoo clock. ”
    When I asked him why, he said “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said “oh, shit,”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

  5. Uriel says:

    Too funny. Loved everyone. But especially Western guys lol.

  6. Loved them all especially the Girls Night Out.