During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants ?”
“Over there by mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.
Will Rogers was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.
Some of his sayings:
1. Always drink upstream from the herd.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. (Ladies) never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to piss on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment .
10. If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral : When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the ‘Wal-Martians’ is always good for some comic release.
Besides, I always feel pretty ‘normal’ after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.
But, I digress … enough of my psychological fixations…..
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked,
“Are you a Vietnam Vet?” “No,” I replied. “Then why are you wearing that cap?”
“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812.” [I thought this was a snappy retort.]
“The War of 1812, huh?” the ‘Wal-Martian’ queried, “When was that?”
God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity.
“1936,” I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment, and then asked,
“Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”
“It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it.”
(This was beginning to be way too much fun!) “DUDE! Really?” he exclaimed.
“How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice, said. “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.” “Dude!!” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing!
“That is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you… kind of stand out?”
“Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage.”
The moron nodded knowingly.
“Listen, man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still ‘top secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Oh yeah?” he gave me that, ‘don’t threaten me’ look.
“Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”
With a really hard look I said, “You have a family, don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?” The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.
By this time, the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard.
I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of their parking lot in a flurry of dust!
What a great time I had!
Tomorrow I’m going back with my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day, I will go to the DMV — so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.
Whoever said ‘Retirement is boring,’ just needs the right kind of cap!
She’s single… She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”
When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preacher nearby black Church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it was all about.
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today. ”
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: “By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today. ”
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my friggin car had been stolen…
The old man struggles to get up from the couch, then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She asks, “Why, are you sick?”
He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”
Immediately, the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He asks, “Where the hell are you going”?
She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”
He asks, “Why, what do you need?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m getting a tetanus shot.”
Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”
(hat-tip Gil, Grouchy, Skip, Mike, Garnet)
Have a great Friday. A few god laughs erases the bullshit from the rest of the week.