Funny Friday – June 12, 2015

—oo—

Ray, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing?’

The prostitute replies, ‘Well Ray, ya old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’

‘Three knots?’ he asks. ‘ What’s that supposed to mean?’

She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.’

—oo—

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Why American Athletes Can’t Have Regular Jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:  “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:  “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first..”

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skin’s say:  “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
“To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:  “He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.”

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:  “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :  “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes..” (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:  “You guys line up alphabetically by height.., and, You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:  “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ….”

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:  “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:  “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.  (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:  “I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’  He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'”

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D:  “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:  “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
“Because she’s too ugly to kiss good-bye.”

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Things that I trust more than Hillary Clinton:

 

* Mexican tap water

* A porcupine with a pet me sign

* Bill Clinton with a cigar

* A fart when I have diarrhea

* An elevator ride with Ray Rice

* The truth from Barrack Obama

* Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby

* Michael Jackson’s Doctor

* Congress will pass a bill that saves me money

* A Bigfoot sighting at my dinner table

* A Palestinian on a motorcycle

* Gas station Sushi

* Brian Williams news reports

* Loch Ness monster sightings

* Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton

* A ride home from Edward Kennedy

* A hunting trip with Dick Cheney

—oo—

Trey Gowdy’s Dream

Jun 6, 2015 – Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), as the head of the Benghazi Select Committee, has a serious job. But that doesn’t mean he can’t tell a joke. Here he is in Maryland, where he had the audience howling with laughter telling a joke about Heaven, John Boehner, Lindsey Graham and local Republican Rep. Andy Harris:

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*If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
*~Jay Leno~

*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
*~Henry Cate, VII~

*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
*~Aesop~

*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
*~Will Rogers~

*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
*~Clarence Darrow~

*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel.
*~John Quinton~

*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
*~Oscar Ameringer~

*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
*~ Tex Guinan~

*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
*~Charles de Gaulle~

*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
*~Doug Larson~

*There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators.
*~Will Rogers~

BUT – my favorite is from Harry Truman:
If you want a real friend – that you can trust in Washington – go buy a dog!

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Dr. Geezer & Dr. Young

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”

Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

This is what transpired:

Dr. Young: — “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me ??

Dr. Geezer:  —  “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor Young:  “Oh no you don’t,  —  that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak  —  I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so —  ” Here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story  —  Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ” !!!!

—oo—

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WANTED:

German Co-pilot  to fly Air Force One.

—oo—

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tombstone

—oo—

Have a great Friday and a lefty free weekend.

~ Hardnox

(Hat-tip Skip)

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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7 Responses to Funny Friday – June 12, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    ‘Trust me, I’m a lawyer’ LOL! I love Fridays! 🙂

    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Opening his eyes, the first thing that he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

    He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

    “‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son… What happened last night?’

    “‘Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell on the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

    Confused, he asked his son,’So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?’

    His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’

    Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirin: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time…PRICELESS!!!

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Great stuff you guys! The headstone one had me rolling!
    ~~~***~~~
    A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:
    Dear Grandmother,
    I’m sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.
    With love,
    Mike
    ~~~***~~~
    A policeman pulls over a car and tells the driver he has won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
    “I want to reward you for buckling up and being a good driver. So, what are you going to do with the money?” asks the policeman.
    “Well, I guess I’m going to get a drivers license”, he answers.
    “Oh, don’t listen to him,” pipes up a woman in the passenger seat. “He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”
    Then the guy in the backseat says, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”
    At that moment there’s a knock from the trunk, and a voice says, “Are we over the border yet?”
    ~~~***~~~
    Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
    She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”
    “What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”
    “Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”
    ~~~***~~~

    And finally, an old classic!

    One day a duck went to the supermarket. He went up and down the aisles. Then he walked up to the store manager and said, “Got any duck food?”
    The manager replied, “No, we only have people food here.” The duck left.
    The next day the duck went back to the supermarket. He went up and down the aisles. He walked up to the manager and said, “Got any duck food?”
    The manager replied, “No! We only sell people food here, and if you ask me again I’ll nail your feet to the floor!” The duck left.
    The duck returned to the supermarket the next day. He walked up and down the aisles. He walked up to the manager and asked, “Got any nails?”
    “No,” replied the manager.
    “In that case,” said the duck, “got any duck food?”
    ~~~***~~~
    Have a great Friday, everyone, and then carry that with you to the rest of the weekend!

  3. Clyde says:

    All good stuff. Steve Crowder’s radio station, WAAM 1600 is at the end of my street. He is an oddity in the People’s Republic of Ann Arbor, being the HOME of leftism. Good guy.

  4. Uriel says:

    Rofl. Thanks I just spewed coffee everywhere. Who knew Gowdy had a secret comedic streak. Great stuff to end the week on a good note.

  5. Blessed B. says:

    I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslem with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder . Where did you get that from, I asked.
    “Mississauga. . . . There’s fekkin’’ thousands of ‘em. . .
    said the Parrot.

    ~ MISSISSAUGA IS A WESTERN SUBURB OF TORONTO, CANADA, NEAR THE AIRPORT.~

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Great Female Comebacks

    1. Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
    Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

    2. Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
    Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

    3. Man: “Is this seat empty?”
    Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

    4. Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
    Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

    5. Man: “Your place or mine?”
    Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

    6. Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
    Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
    Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
    Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

    7. Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
    Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

    8. Man: “What sign were you born under?”
    Woman: “No Parking.”

    9. Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
    Woman: “Do not Enter”

    10 Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
    Woman: “Unfertilized !”

    11. Man: “Hey, come on, admit it. We’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
    Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

    12. Man: “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”
    Woman: “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?

    13. Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
    Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

    14. Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
    Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

    15. Man: “I can tell that you want me.”
    Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”

    16. Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:”
    Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

    17. Man: “Hey Cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
    Woman: “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species..”

    18. Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
    Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

    19. Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
    Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

    20. Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
    Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    50 Shades of Pink

    Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . In and out . . . . in and out . . . . A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . . She was getting near to the end . . . . !! He was in ecstasy . . . . With a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . . Forward then backward . . . . Again . . . . and, again . . . . !! Her heart was pounding now . . . . Her face was flushed . . . . She moaned . . . . softly at first, Then began to groan louder . . . . Finally . . . . Totally exhausted . . . . She let out a piercing scream . . . . She shouted . . . . :

    “OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can’t park it . . . .

    YOU DO IT !”

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    When Mahatma Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a professor by the name of Peters disliked him intensely and always displayed animosity towards him. And because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always “arguments” and confrontations.

    One day Mr. Peters was having lunch at the University dining room when Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to him. The professor said, “Mr. Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat. “Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry, professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.

    Peters, red with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.
    Unhappy and frustrated, Mr. Peters asked him the following question: “Mr. Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?”
    Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.” Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom.” Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”

    Mr. Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and handed it back to him. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk, trying hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr. Peters, you autographed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>