Ray, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing?’
The prostitute replies, ‘Well Ray, ya old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’
‘Three knots?’ he asks. ‘ What’s that supposed to mean?’
She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.’
Why American Athletes Can’t Have Regular Jobs
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first..”
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skin’s say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
“To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.”
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes..” (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.., and, You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ….”
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'”
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
“Because she’s too ugly to kiss good-bye.”
Things that I trust more than Hillary Clinton:
* Mexican tap water
* A porcupine with a pet me sign
* Bill Clinton with a cigar
* A fart when I have diarrhea
* An elevator ride with Ray Rice
* The truth from Barrack Obama
* Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby
* Michael Jackson’s Doctor
* Congress will pass a bill that saves me money
* A Bigfoot sighting at my dinner table
* A Palestinian on a motorcycle
* Gas station Sushi
* Brian Williams news reports
* Loch Ness monster sightings
* Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton
* A ride home from Edward Kennedy
* A hunting trip with Dick Cheney
Trey Gowdy’s Dream
Jun 6, 2015 – Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), as the head of the Benghazi Select Committee, has a serious job. But that doesn’t mean he can’t tell a joke. Here he is in Maryland, where he had the audience howling with laughter telling a joke about Heaven, John Boehner, Lindsey Graham and local Republican Rep. Andy Harris:
*If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
*~Henry Cate, VII~
*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel.
*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
*~ Tex Guinan~
*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
*~Charles de Gaulle~
*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
*There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators.
BUT – my favorite is from Harry Truman:
If you want a real friend – that you can trust in Washington – go buy a dog!
Dr. Geezer & Dr. Young
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: — “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer: — “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor Young: “Oh no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see !!!!
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so — ” Here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ” !!!!
German Co-pilot to fly Air Force One.
Have a great Friday and a lefty free weekend.