A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked: “How many children do you have?”
He answered : “12 children.”
The agent asked “Where are the others?’
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, “They are in the cemetery with their mother.”
And that’s the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.
MORAL: It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words!!! Lawyers don’t lie ….they are creative ….
Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls with a thousand dollar cigar in his jaws and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go ballistic.
Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out.
“You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment”, said the Genie. “As a reward I grant you one wish”.
“Well,” said Bill, “I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog I just ran over.”
They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. “Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?” Bill asked.
The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. “This poor critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Maybe there’s something else you’d like?”
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. “I had an affair with this young girl called Monica,”said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. “But I’m actually married to this older, distressed looking woman called Hillary” and he showed the genie the second photo. “You see Hillary isn’t good looking at all, so do you think you can make her look pretty like Monica?”
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, “Damn man, let’s go have another look at that dog!”
The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please.
I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”
You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans — relax, here is our real problem:
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a NATURAL BORN CITIZEN any more qualified to lead than one born by C-SECTION?”
I went shopping at Wal-Mart yesterday and when I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, “Stripdown, facing me.”
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer. I still don’t think I looked that bad…
ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT
Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir: I’m in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ’s sake, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?
My birth date you have in my social security file. It’s on EVERY income tax form I’ve filed for the past 35+ years. It’s on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver’s license, it’s on the last eight damned passports I’ve had, it’s on every stupid customs declaration form I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30+ years. And it’s on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’m reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.
Between you and me, I’ve had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And “No,” I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@&#^@*@ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $100. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@%&^*^%@% government. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me in the damn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile.
Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!
Signed-An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor….WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA! And you assholes want to run our healthcare system ??
Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar. The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a dime.
FYI: This model is used by the U.S. Federal Government.
If we can manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they’ll have disappeared…
(hat-tip Kathy, Skip, Gene, Garnet, vonMesser)
Have a great Friday.