Funny Friday – June 5, 2015

enquirer front page

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A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked: “How many children do you have?”

He answered : “12 children.”

The agent asked “Where are the others?’

The lawyer answered, with a sad look, “They are in the cemetery with their mother.”

And that’s the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

MORAL: It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words!!! Lawyers don’t lie ….they are creative ….

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Salute

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Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter.  He climbed out of his Rolls with a thousand dollar cigar in his jaws and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go ballistic.

Then he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out.

“You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment”, said the Genie. “As a reward I grant you one wish”.

“Well,” said Bill, “I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog I just ran over.”

They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. “Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?” Bill asked.

The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. “This poor critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Maybe there’s something else you’d like?”

Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. “I had an affair with this young girl called Monica,”said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. “But I’m actually married to this older, distressed looking woman called Hillary” and he showed the genie the second photo. “You see Hillary isn’t good looking at all, so do you think you can make her look pretty like Monica?”

The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, “Damn man, let’s go have another look at that dog!”

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bumper

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The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please.

I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”

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grumpy1

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You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans — relax, here is our real problem:

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a NATURAL BORN CITIZEN any more qualified to lead than one born by C-SECTION?”

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grumpy2

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I went shopping at Wal-Mart yesterday and when I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, “Stripdown, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer. I still don’t think I looked that bad…

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grumpy3

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ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir: I’m in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ’s sake, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?

My birth date you have in my social security file. It’s on EVERY income tax form I’ve filed for the past 35+ years. It’s on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver’s license, it’s on the last eight damned passports I’ve had, it’s on every stupid customs declaration form I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30+ years. And it’s on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’m reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you and me, I’ve had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And “No,” I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@&#^@*@ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $100. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@%&^*^%@% government. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me in the damn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile.

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!

Signed-An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor….WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA! And you assholes want to run our healthcare system ??

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grumpy4

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Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar. The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a dime.

FYI: This model is used by the U.S. Federal Government.

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grumpy5

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If we can manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they’ll have disappeared…

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condom history—oo—

 

(hat-tip Kathy, Skip, Gene, Garnet, vonMesser)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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10 Responses to Funny Friday – June 5, 2015

  1. upaces88 says:

    We all have to admit he IS the greatest Public Relations Man for owning guns!

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Good stuff, Nox! Love me some Grumpy Cat!!

    ~~~***~~~
    When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
    We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
    “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!”
    To which he replied, “I know — I already got that side.”
    ~~~***~~~
    A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”
    “That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”
    “Wow! Does that really work?”
    “You bet it does.”
    “Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”
    “Well, okay.”
    After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”

    “You’re the sixth,” he said.
    ~~~***~~~
    Have yourselves a super weekend, everyone!
    #GodBlessAmerica

  3. Kathy says:

    LOL!! Love the passport one!

    I was in the Texas Rose last night with a buddy of mine, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, “grass eater”, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind my friend and slapped him on the butt.

    She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

    My friend looked at her and said, ”You got a pen?”

    She said, “ I sure do.”

    He said, “ Well, you better get back there before the farmer sees you’re missing.”

    His dental surgery is on Monday.

  4. vonmesser says:

    Golfing with the Pope

    The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

    “Your Holiness “, said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

    The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand and in Italy we have no golf land/courses ,no one plays golf. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me? he asked. “None that plays very well, a Cardinal replied. “But, he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

    Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored to be made a Cardinal, and agreed to play.

    The day after the match, Cardinal Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” said the golfer.

    “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope

    “Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag. Even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. I played like I was 30 years old again. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

    “And what?s the bad news?” the Pope asked.

    Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Phil Mickelson.

  5. vonmesser says:

    BUD the Cowboy

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

    Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

    “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

    “You’re a Congressional Staffer for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

    “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

    “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know sh*t about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

    “Now give me back my dog.”

    AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

    (ps – thanks for having FF on my birthday).

  6. CW says:

    Terrific “Funny Friday” stuff today, Hardnox! The passport one is my favorite too.

    ________________________________

    There was a couple and the wife was very talkative. She would talk with people on the phone hour after hour, and this got on her husband’s nerves. One day they were in the middle of dinner and the phone rang. The husband rolled his eyes. “Here she goes!” he thought to himself. The wife ran to the phone and started her usual chatting. After about 30 minutes, however, she hung up and came back to the table. The husband, happy that she was finally learning to shorten her phone calls, complimented on her unusually quick return and asked who called. “Wrong number,” the wife replied.

  7. Garnet92 says:

    How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT

    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at passing cars, and watch ’em slow down!

    2. On all your cheque stubs, write ‘For Marijuana’!

    3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

    4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

    5. Sing along at The Opera.

    6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

    7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the Car Park, yelling, ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

    8. Tell your children over dinner: ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go….

    9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

    And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favorite:

    10. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles
    and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!

    • propblast says:

      I ask for dehydrated water in cans often, and when asked “how are you?’ I always answer “I don’t know yet”.

      some “funny’ stuff gets posted here, and I plan on using some of G…92`s suggestions shamelessly!

      You People have way too much time on your hands…….

      • vonmesser says:

        Propblast – I often respond to “How are you” with “Pretty $#!++y, thanks”. If I get “That’s nice” then I know they didn’t pay any attention.

        My daughter’s response to “Have a nice day” is often “Don’t tell me what kind of a day yo have. I’ll have any damn type of day I want”.

  8. Clyde says:

    You all are on fire today. Love the Grumpy Cat memes with the BECS.