Funny Friday – May 29, 2015

Recently in the Everglades…

https://earloftaint.files.wordpress.com/2015/05/swamp-thing.jpg?w=1000

—oo—

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

—oo—

Picture1

—oo—

So, I was walking through the mall, and saw that there was a “Muslim Book Store.” I was wondering what exactly was in a “Muslim book store” so I went on in.

I was wandering around taking a look and the clerk stopped me asked if he could help me , I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele.
So I asked for a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.

The Clerk said, “F * ck off, get out, and stay out !”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have that in paperback?”

—oo—

Picture2

—oo—

A wise man once observed:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes; but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice; but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences; but will grab whatever is available.

AND . . .

4. I haven’t verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate. A recent study found that women; who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

—oo—

Picture3

—oo—

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands. “Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Ahmed, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Ahmed replied, From way back there I thought you said goats.”

—oo—

Hold_My_Beer

—oo—

Barack Obama was visiting a school in Missouri. He strolled into a fourth grade classroom where the class was in the middle of a discussion regarding words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy.’ So the president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy. ‘One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field, and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” said Obama, “that would be a terrible accident.”

A little girl raised her hand and Obama called on her: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy said the little girl.” “I’m afraid not,” explained Obama. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” After two failed attempts the room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama’s eyes searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy he said”?

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: “Mr. President, if the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic, exclaimed Obama”! That’s exactly right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy? “Well,” says Johnny, “it has to be a tragedy because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss… and you can bet your ass it wouldn’t have been an accident either!

The teacher fainted. . ..the class shouted in approval! The following day the school board was notified that they had lost all their federal funding through 20 January 2017.

—oo—

Picture5

—oo—

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said,”did you notice
any distinguishing features about this man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face!

You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,

“What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s
face! Of course you can only see one ear!

You’re excused too!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.  He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!

How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

—oo—

Picture6

—oo—

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Virginia. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’

—oo—

Picture7

—oo—

His wife’s graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”

—oo—

Picture9

—oo—

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing.” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his noise ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, now, back off or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?”

“Just a couple of minutes ago.”

—oo—

Picture10

—oo—

Linus on obama going to prison

—oo—

Picture8

(hat-tip Grouchy, Skip, David, Garnet, Saltwater, Buck, Blessed B, and Kathy)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Funny Friday – May 29, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    Good stuff, gang, love the Peanuts. I think about that too, lol.

    A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”

    The first man replied, “A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.”

    “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

    “And, now you sir?” he asked the second man. “Hmm, let me see, a BLINK! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”

    “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

    He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”

    The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

    Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

    Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA!”

    “What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

    “Oh sure,” said Bubba. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants.”

    Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you! 🙂

  2. CW says:

    I’m still testing that wine theory!

    ***************

    A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
    The next day there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

    The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

    The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

    The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

    She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me.”

    Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.

    This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

    So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

    He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

    “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”

    “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

    The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine!!!”

    He lost 63 pounds that week.

  3. Garnet92 says:

    A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

    They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

    Seven days later, they all met again to discuss their experiences.

    Father Flannery, who at this point had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

    ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

    In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTI ZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

    The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in his hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

    The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, . . . . circumcision may not have been the best way to start . “

  4. Garnet92 says:

    QUOTE OF THE DECADE

    A liberal’s paradise would be a place where everybody has:

    guaranteed employment,
    free comprehensive healthcare,
    free education,
    free food,
    free housing, free clothing, free utilities,
    and only law enforcement has guns.

    And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist:

    It’s called Prison.

    • Hardnox says:

      Oddly, if our laws were enforced instead of just selectively, liberals would be the majority in prison system. I have a number of candidates.

  5. Garnet92 says:

    Dear Abby,

    My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
    and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone
    knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

    Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one.
    All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his
    buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

    Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me,
    and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

    What should I do?
    Signed: Clueless

    Dear Clueless:
    Grow up and dump him. You don’t need him any more! Good grief woman,
    you’re running for President of the United States.

  6. Uriel says:

    OMG. Roaring over a few of these. The elephant though is most hilarious. Hope that guy had a gas mask! Kinda a Lot like our Parties today– too far up the well of extrusion and pipeline of noxious fumes to function outside in the real world.

  7. Clyde says:

    You guys are spot-on today. Thanks. Good stuff all.