Recently in the Everglades…
An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
So, I was walking through the mall, and saw that there was a “Muslim Book Store.” I was wondering what exactly was in a “Muslim book store” so I went on in.
I was wandering around taking a look and the clerk stopped me asked if he could help me , I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele.
So I asked for a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
The Clerk said, “F * ck off, get out, and stay out !”
I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have that in paperback?”
A wise man once observed:
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes; but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice; but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS.
3. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences; but will grab whatever is available.
AND . . .
4. I haven’t verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate. A recent study found that women; who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands. “Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hand.
“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Ahmed, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”
Ahmed replied, From way back there I thought you said goats.”
Barack Obama was visiting a school in Missouri. He strolled into a fourth grade classroom where the class was in the middle of a discussion regarding words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy.’ So the president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy. ‘One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field, and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” said Obama, “that would be a terrible accident.”
A little girl raised her hand and Obama called on her: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy said the little girl.” “I’m afraid not,” explained Obama. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” After two failed attempts the room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama’s eyes searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy he said”?
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: “Mr. President, if the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic, exclaimed Obama”! That’s exactly right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy? “Well,” says Johnny, “it has to be a tragedy because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss… and you can bet your ass it wouldn’t have been an accident either!
The teacher fainted. . ..the class shouted in approval! The following day the school board was notified that they had lost all their federal funding through 20 January 2017.
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said,”did you notice
any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face!
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
“What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s
face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Virginia. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’
His wife’s graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing.” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his noise ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, now, back off or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!”
St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?”
“Just a couple of minutes ago.”
(hat-tip Grouchy, Skip, David, Garnet, Saltwater, Buck, Blessed B, and Kathy)
Have a great Friday.