Funny Friday – May 8, 2015

artshow

—oo—

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the main entrance.

The Walmart Greeter said pleasantly “Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter.  “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice.  Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”

—oo—

meals

Meals on Wheels in British Columbia

—oo—

Four lady friends meet 30 years at a school reunion…..

One goes to take food while the other three start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he build his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

” Oh no !! ” said the Lady, he is doing good.  ” Last week on his birthday he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends…” .

—oo—

belts n supenders

—oo—

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’ So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on…. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’ The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a Duck.’

—oo—

kermit

—oo—

You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans — relax, here is our real problem. In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.  It was pretty simple.  The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of  age.  However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.  The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,

“What makes a NATURAL BORN CITIZEN any more qualified to lead than one born by C-SECTION?”

—oo—

pols

 

—oo—

Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his immortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“Which one?'” Obama asks nervously.

“It doesn’t matter.” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it’ll be a Jewish holiday

—oo—

trayvon

—oo—

racist

—oo—

hope&change

—oo—

(hat-tip Hershey, Garnet92, Kathy, Skip, Blessed B, Gene)

Have a great Friday and a fabulous weekend.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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12 Responses to Funny Friday – May 8, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    Good ones!! It might be a Christian holiday too, we don’t know yet. LOL!!

    I work at an electronics store as a clerk. A friend that I have known since kindergarten works there as well pushing shopping carts. He had a tragic automobile accident several years back and is now mentally disabled.

    Today I was standing near the main entrance and he approached me and started asking me about the LED tvs. We talked for a minute before a customer approached us and got right in his face and said “There Are no more shopping carts out there, YOU need to get more!” She talked to him as if disciplining a toddler.

    (She could clearly see that he was ‘special’ and seemed to thrive on telling him how to do his job)

    I was getting pretty angry and was about to put her in her place, and explain to her that he deals with the carts in the rear exit where there is less traffic. It isn’t safe for him out in the main entrance!

    But before I could say a word he looked at her and calmly replied, “Your concern has been duly noted and I don’t give a sh*t.”

    Love that guy!

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Good ones, you two! thank you for shopping at Walmart, indeeeeeed!

    ~~~***~~~
    The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
    The patient said, “Give me the good news.”

    “They’re going to name a disease after you.”
    ~~~***~~~
    The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
    “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
    “You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
    The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
    “All right. Get in.”
    ~~~***~~~
    A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out.
    Mom said, ‘Sure, sweetie. I’ll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?’
    ‘Uh, oh yeah, OK,’ responded the kid.
    So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
    When she gets back, Dad asked, ‘Well how much did you give the boy this time?
    Mom said, ‘Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000′
    ‘That’s $1020!!!’ yelled Dad, ‘Are you crazy???’

    ‘Don’t worry hon,’ Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, ‘I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19 of his calculus book!’
    ~~~***~~~
    Have a great weekend and I certainly hope the weather is nice to you all, wherever you are!

  3. BrianR says:

    I always look forward to the Friday Funnies. One observation, though: the cartoon of the two guys looting the Baltimore stores. How come they’re white?

    Have we reached the point where even political cartoons are bowing to political correctness?

  4. Grouchy says:

    What a week~! And you think YOU’VE got troubles??? This poor guy,,, ,,, ,,,

    One winter day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. She was starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

    We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn’t know what to call her so we named her ‘Pussycat.’ The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

    My husband (the complainer) said, ‘OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks ‘. He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don’t see eye-to-eye.

    The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, My husband calls the vet ‘El- Charge-O’. . .They love to hate each other and constantly ‘snipe’ at one another.

    The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet . The doctor’s waiting room and office were full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in – he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

    He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said: ‘Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
    Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant! God only knows who the father is!’

    Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening.
    * * * * *
    Have a Grandiferously Wondorious Week-End, every one~!

  5. CW says:

    Appreciate all the laughs, as always guys!

    *********************

    An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

    “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

    “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

    She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares.

  6. Garnet92 says:

    ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from playing golf about the same time she gets home from work.

    Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

    I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
    ;
    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

    Signed,
    Jim

    EDITOR’S NOTE:
    Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his ass, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

  7. vonMesser says:

    1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead’s.
    2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
    3. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”
    4. I don’t do drugs ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
    5. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”
    6. Money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
    7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
    8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?
    9. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
    10. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
    11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
    12. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
    14. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
    15. No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team is winning.
    16. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
    17. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
    18. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
    19. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
    20. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
    21. Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.
    22. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”
    23. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
    24. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
    25. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place.
    26. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl Alt delete and start all over?
    27. Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
    28. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

  8. Garnet92 says:

    Most people don’t know that back in
    1912, Hellmann’s Mayonnaise was
    manufactured in England. In fact,
    the Titanic was carrying 12,000
    jars of the condiment scheduled
    for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico,
    which was to be the next port of call
    for the great ship after its stop in
    New York. This would have been
    the largest single shipment of
    mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico

    … But as we know, the great ship
    did not make it to New York. The
    ship hit an iceberg and sank. The
    people of Mexico, who were crazy
    about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
    awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate
    at the loss. Their anguish was so
    great, that they declared a National
    Day of Mourning.

    The National Day of Mourning occurs
    each year on May 5 and is known,
    of course, as – Sinko De Mayo.

    WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?

    You need a shot of Tequila.

  9. Bill Bowling says:

    Love your funny friday jokes.

    • Grouchy says:

      Bill, You are more than welcome to share your funny stuff with us. We can’t do it all on our own – Our Readers help keep us going~! AS you can see by the contributions of others above, that are not “staff” on Nox & Friends.

    • Hardnox says:

      Bill, welcome to N&F. Thanks for your comment. Feel free to add your own contributions.

  10. Blessed B. says:

    A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.” “Well,” says the bloke, “I guess I’d better have the bad news first.” The Sarge says, “I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.” The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, “Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.” He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. “Gee-whizz thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that… So, what’s the other possible good news?” “Well,” the Sarge says, “If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o’clock… and we’re going to shoot over there and pull her up again”.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
    As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”
    “I am entering” said Snow White.
    After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how did you do?”
    ” First Place ,” said Snow White.
    They continue walking and they see a sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”
    “I’m entering,” says Superman.
    After half an hour he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”
    ” First Place ,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”
    They continue walking when they see a sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”
    Pinocchio says “this is mine.” Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
    “What happened?” they asked.
    “Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?” asked Pinocchio.