A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the main entrance.
The Walmart Greeter said pleasantly “Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter. “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”
Four lady friends meet 30 years at a school reunion…..
One goes to take food while the other three start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a ferrari.
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he build his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.
They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.
She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.
The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.
” Oh no !! ” said the Lady, he is doing good. ” Last week on his birthday he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends…” .
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’ So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on…. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’ The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a Duck.’
You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans — relax, here is our real problem. In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
“What makes a NATURAL BORN CITIZEN any more qualified to lead than one born by C-SECTION?”
Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his immortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”
“Which one?'” Obama asks nervously.
“It doesn’t matter.” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it’ll be a Jewish holiday
(hat-tip Hershey, Garnet92, Kathy, Skip, Blessed B, Gene)
Have a great Friday and a fabulous weekend.