Funny Friday – May 1, 2015

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An old man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”  Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.  And I know he won’t ask for directions.”

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Senior Computer Skills…….

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one…
Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘can’t find printer’.
I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it..
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

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Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.

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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer..

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.’

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Tech support: ‘Okay Bill, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time.  That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.’
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bill.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: ‘P’…..on your keyboard, Bill.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

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THE ORIGIN OF PROFILING:

The day it all started was March 6,1836… On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo, and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said,”Jim, are we, by any chance, having any landscaping done today?”

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.

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jenner

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There were two families who lost their homes. The major breadwinner in each house had lost their jobs. The adults took part-time jobs, anything they could to make ends meet, but still lost everything. All they had were their cars with a half tank of gas in each and two dollars.

The family who lived in California decided to try to get to Vegas and see if they could win some money. They made it there and the wife wished hubby good luck as he went into the casino. The man decided his best chance would be with the dice and he won and now had four dollars. He let it ride, won, and now had eight dollars. He kept doubling up and eventually was up to $524,288. He’s thinking with this much money they can be alright, but my luck is running and with just one more hit we will be millionaires. He rolls one more time and loses every penny. He’s ranting and raving as he returns to his family in the car. His wife is trying to console him. “What’s wrong, what’s wrong.” He screams, “I just lost a half million dollars.”

The other family who lived in Pennsylvania decided to try to get to Atlantic City and see if they could win some money. They made it there and the wife wished hubby good luck as he went into the casino. The man decided his best chance would be with the dice and he won and now had four collars. He let it rise, won, and now had eight dollars. He kept doubling up and eventually was up to $524,288. He’s thinking with this much money they can be alright but my luck is running and with just one more hit we will be millionaires. He rolls one more time and loses every penny. When he gets back to the car, his wife asks, “How did you make out.” He answered simply, “I lost the two dollars.”

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(hat-tip Gene, Skip, Garnet92, Saltwater)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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6 Responses to Funny Friday – May 1, 2015

  1. upaces88 says:

    I can’t even pick a favorite! They are all hysterical!!!

  2. Uriel says:

    great ones Hardnox. I am sending a few on. AFTER I stop laughing!

  3. Kathy says:

    A female CNN reporter heard about a very old Jewish man who’d been going to the Western Wall to pray every day, twice a day, for a very long time.

    So she went to check it out. She went to the Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, she asked him if she could interview him.

    “What’s your name sir?” she asked.

    “Morris Feinberg” he replied.

    “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

    “For about 60 years” he said.

    “That’s amazing! And what have you been praying for all these years?”

    “I pray for peace between the Christians and the Muslims and the Jews. I pray for all the wars to stop and to have peace in the land.”

    “I pray for our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to learn to love one another.”

    “I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”

    “How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?” asked the reporter.

    “Like I’m talking to a wall.”

  4. WTXGunRunner says:

    You guys really have some zingers this Friday morning! Great job.

    ~~~***~~~
    One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

    As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

    A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

    Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, “Well, tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

    ~~~***~~~
    Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
    “Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”
    “That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”
    ~~~***~~~
    And finally,
    THE PURINA DIET FOR STUPID PEOPLE
    Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Sitter’s ass and a car hit us both. The woman turned fire-engine red, and I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore.
    ~~~***~~~
    Have a wonderful Friday and weekend everyone! And may the Farce be with you (I know it is since I know who’s in charge of things!)

  5. Garnet92 says:

    In case you are having a rough day, here’s a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile:

    1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

    2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

    3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

    4. No one knows your secret place.

    5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the World.

    6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

    7. The water is so clear you can make out the face of the Democrat you are holding underwater.

    See, it worked. You’re smiling. You feel better already. Have a great day…..

  6. Garnet92 says:

    When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

    One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

    The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

    One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.

    When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got interested and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

    Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to go get a tape recorder to record the message.

    The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

    The son laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate.

    So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe.

    They too laughed long and loudly, but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

    Eventually an official government translator was brought in to help.

    After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

    “WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND.”