Funny Friday – April 17, 2015

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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said,”did you notice
any distinguishing features about this man?”

The blonde immediately said,

“Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face!

You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,

“What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s
face! Of course you can only see one ear!

You’re excused too!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….”

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

“The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!

How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

“Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

—oo—

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A good reminder!!

As we get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember
that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. …

And Monica blew it.

—oo—

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None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me mad, Tyrone.”

One day Tyrone’s mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had she seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit , relocating to Cleveland .

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died .

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Don’t tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon. Well, maybe you did if you voted for Obama.

—oo—

Democrats Hold Massive Rally for Hillary

hildabeastspporters

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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding? I’m in Congress too. What state are you from?”

—oo—

planet

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Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, LA. One of the bike’s tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift Back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.

The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies “Mexican eggs.”

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn’t believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it
And locks it.

She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

“I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it… Two have hatched and they’ve already stolen a bicycle.”

—oo—

liagra

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Public Service Announcement for Men:

ATT00029

trap

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(hat-tip to Skip, Blessed B, Gil, Garnet, Grouchy)

Have a great Friday,

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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7 Responses to Funny Friday – April 17, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    That is right. Don’t correct her. And bring more wine. 🙂

    How to get the government to work for you….

    The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.

    “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Leroy. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

    “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

    Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

    The phone rings at the neighbors house.

    “Hey Leroy, did the FBI come?” “Yep.”

    “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.”

    “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Those are great! Smile still on my face! Thanks for the Friday lift!!

    ~~~***~~~
    The story of someone getting a haircut.
    Women’s version:
    Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
    Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
    Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
    Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
    Woman2: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
    Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easie
    r.
    Men’s version:
    Man2: Haircut?
    Man1: Yeah.
    ~~~***~~~
    While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
    Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
    A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
    “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming.
    “Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

    “Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”
    ~~~***~~~
    Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful and introduces them to a technique called word/name association. They come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.
    Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.
    “Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?”
    “Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute… What’s the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems…?”
    “You mean a rose?”
    “Yeah, that’s it…(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor’s name?”
    ~~~***~~~
    Have a super weekend, everyone!

  3. CW says:

    Terrific Funny Friday, folks! My husband is familiar with that wine trick. It works pretty well too!

    ***********

    A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

    A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

  4. Garnet92 says:

    Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning.
    It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, D.C. parish.
    He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
    He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the White House .

    The conversation went like this:

    “Good morning. This is Barack Obama . How might I help you?”
    “And the best of the day te yerself.
    This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church.

    There’s a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”

    Barack , considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

    There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .
    Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye,’ tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”

  5. vonMesser says:

    Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Potomac river .
    ​ ​
    The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
    ​ ​
    We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids, – I just don’t get it .’

    ‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘what have you been eating?’ ‘

    Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Croc.

    ‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’

    ‘On the other side of the river near the car park at the capital mall’

    ‘Same here. Hmm…..How do you catch them?’ asked the big Croc. ‘Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!’

    “Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing much left but an asshole with a briefcase.”