Funny Friday – April 10, 2015

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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

‘So what do you think about that Doc?’

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

‘I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.’

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.’

‘As he neared a lake, he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went ‘bang, bang’..’

‘Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?’ asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, ‘Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.’

The doctor replied, ‘My point exactly.’

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harry reid car

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“If we can manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles are aphrodisiacs, Within ten years they’ll have all disappeared…”

Think about it and spread the word.

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flight

The FAA “fix” so our pilots don’t need to leave the flight deck

 

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At the risk of stereotyping…

Bruce Jenner had never had an automobile accident until he became a woman driver.

I’m just sayin’…

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Hospital visit In the hospital where a family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, “How much will a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a Democrat’s brain; $200 for a Republican’s brain.” The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the Democrat’s brain so much more than a Republican’s brain?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans’ brains a lot lower because they’re used.

—oo—

Think you’re having a bad day?

Bad day

—00—

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

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patriot

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(Hat-tip Grouchy, Buck, Skip, Kathy, Jim, Crawfish, Gene )

Have a great Friday and a better weekend.

“Everyday is a holiday”

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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14 Responses to Funny Friday – April 10, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    LOL! That’s the best joke Reagan ever told!

    ~ ~ ~

    Long ago, humans were groups of nomadic hunter-gatherers. According to this story, two events were the catalyst for the modern world. The inventions of the Wheel … and Beer.

    This. Changed. Everything.

    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic unters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

    1. Liberals; and
    2. Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

    Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

    Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

    Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before sharing this. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately with other true believers and with more liberals just to piss them off.

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Those are really good! Beavers and liberals? OK, just sayin…..

    An old blind cowboy wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake…
    He finds his way to a barstool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’ The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
    In a very deep and husky voice the woman next to him says ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball hat.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy Club”.
    3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
    Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?’
    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times’……………………
    ~~~***~~~
    After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.

    “That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.

    Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”

    The clerk handed him a mirror.
    ~~~***~~~
    A man named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
    The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.”
    “Well then, just give me my money back.”
    “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
    “OK then, just unload the donkey.”
    “What ya gonna do with him.”
    “I’m gonna raffle him off.”
    “Ya can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
    “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”
    A month later the farmer met up with the man and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”
    “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.”
    “Didn’t anyone complain?”
    “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back
    ~~~***~~~

  3. CW says:

    Great stuff, Hardnox and all!

    I am going to attempt to post a video. Keep your fingers crossed. The link is here just in case. (If I fail I guess the joke will be on me, hee hee).

  4. Garnet92 says:

    My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “asshole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

    So Shirley (my wife) called him a “shithead.” He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

    We always look for cars with Obama stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s so important at our age!!

  5. Just Gene says:

    An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, can you dance?” The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No son, I don’t dance… never really wanted to.”

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now!” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said; “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir… but…but I’ve always wanted to.” There are a few lessons for all of us here:
    *Don’t be arrogant.
    *Don’t waste ammunition.
    *Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
    *Always make sure you know who is in control.
    *And finally, don’t screw around with old folks; they didn’t
    get old by being stupid.
    luvya

  6. Just Gene says:

    Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it. Joe drives to Obama’s house, which is located in a very nice neighborhood and where it’s clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year. Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama, who is standing near the door, that it’s an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes.

    Obama asks Joe how much it will cost. Joe immediately says, “$9,500.” “$9,500?” Obama asks, stunned, “But you said it’s an easy repair “Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free,” explains Joe. “It’s always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers have to do business this way. It’s known as ‘Joe’s Affordable Plumbing Act of 2013.’

    Surprised you haven’t heard of it.” In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there’s no way he’s paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe’s price, Obama does nothing. The leak under Obama’s sink goes unrepaired for the next several days. A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there’s a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return.

    Joe goes back to Obama’s house, looks at the leaky pipe, and says, let’s see – this will cost you about $21,000.” “A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!” Obama quickly fires back. Joe explains the reason for the dramatic increase. “Well, because of the ‘Joe’s Affordable Plumbing Act,’ a lot of rich people are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so there are fewer of you paying for all the free plumbing I’m doing for the people who make less than $250,000. As a result, the rate I have to charge my wealthy paying customers rises every day. “Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work from the group of people who get it for free has skyrocketed, and there’s a long waiting list of those who need repairs.

    This has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, and they’re not being replaced – nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they won’t make any money. I’m hurting now too – all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won’t pay their fair share.”Obama tries to straighten out the plumber: “Of course you’re hurting, Joe! Don’t you get it? If all the rich people learn how to fix their own plumbing and you refuse to charge the poorer people for your services, you’ll be broke, and then what will you do?” Joe immediately replies, “Run for president, apparently
    luvya

  7. Uriel says:

    You guys are hilarious. Thanks for making my Friday brighter lol. Only thing better would be to hear O and partners in crime were stuck in a plane being hijacked by a group of wanna be terrorists needing to fly to an Iran airport .

  8. vonmesser says:

    Lexophilia

    “Lexophile” is a word used describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

    .. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
    .. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
    .. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
    .. The batteries were given out free of charge.
    .. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
    .. A will is a dead giveaway.
    .. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
    .. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
    .. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
    .. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
    .. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
    .. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
    .. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
    .. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
    .. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
    .. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
    .. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

    And the cream of the twisted crop:
    .. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

    ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN … IT’S CHEAP MEDICINE.