Funny Friday – March 27, 2015

—oo—

Top Ten Country & Western Songs

10) I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

9)  I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8) If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me

7)  I’ve missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’

6) Wouldn’t Take Her to A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win

5) I’m So Miserable without You It’s like You’re Still Here

4) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3) She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2) She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country  & Western song is…

1) It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

—oo—

—oo—

David Letterman’s Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 – Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 – Pistol won’t stay under front seat.

# 8 – Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 – Pit crew can’t work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 – They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 – Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 – No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 – No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 – When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN’T BE IN NASCAR…!

# 1 – They can’t wear their helmets sideways.

—oo—

 Political Cartoons by Robert Ariail

—oo—

 A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

Irish cop says,”License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration,please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? ”

—oo—

Political Cartoons by Dana Summers

—oo—

When God created the world for humankind to prosper & multiply, He decided to give each group two (2) virtues.

As an example, He made the Japanese patient & hardworking, He made the Germans tenacious & hard-headed, He made the Americans organized & pragmatic, and so on.

When God considered Texans, He told the record-keeping angel, “Texans are going to be intelligent, honest, & democrats.”

When God finished creating the world, the angel noticed that God had given every group two (2) virtues except the Texans, who had rec’d three (3).

The angel thought that this would give the Texans an unfair advantage over the other groups of human beings. He pointed this out to God.

God said, “Oh, my goodness, you are certainly right, but since virtues given by God cannot be changed, we shall do the following:

From now on Texans will keep three (3) virtues, however, they can only use two (2) at a time.”

This explains why:

A Texan, who is a democrat & honest, cannot be intelligent.

One who is intelligent & democrat, cannot be honest.

AND ONE WHO IS INTELLIGENT & HONEST, CAN NEVER BE A DEMOCRAT!

This is why most Texans are REPUBLICANS!

—oo—

told my wife

—oo—

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and Proclaims, .. ‘If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!’

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, ‘If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!’

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!’

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, ‘Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?’

Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, ‘Well , I just asked my husband how we could help,and he said  “Screw him – He’s a DEMOCRAT!”

—oo—

—oo—

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Muslim, sneaking through my next door neighbor’s garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said, “you’re shaking, what is it?

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen,” I said, “that son of a bitch next door still has my shovel.”

—oo—

IMG_3629

—oo—

You might be quite surprised. Most of us know of the comparable relationship between Lincoln and Kennedy, but have you ever considered the comparisons between President Obama and President Lincoln?

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the very same bible Lincoln used for his inauguration.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois..

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was highly respected by some, but intensely disliked by others. Obama is highly respected by some, but intensely disliked by others.

7. Abraham Lincoln was a tall, skinny lawyer. Barack Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln held to basic Conservative and Christian views. Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln volunteered in the Illinois militia, once as a captain, twice as a private. Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln firmly believed in able persons carrying their own weight. Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

11. Lincoln was undeniably, and without any doubt, born in the United States. Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

12. Lincoln was honest – so honest that he was called ‘Honest Abe’… Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

13. Lincoln preserved the United States as a strong nation, respected by the world. Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

14. Lincoln showed his obvious respect for the flag, and the military. Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

Amazing, isn’t it!

—oo—

Crystalclear

—oo—

 The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

—oo—

moron—oo—

(hat-tip Skip, Buck, Gene, vonMesser, Garnet92, Kathy, Crawfish)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Funny Friday – March 27, 2015

  1. WTXGunRunner says:

    Those are good, Nox. 9mm and clips and shells? All at once? OK, done. And, btw, Obama is STILL a tall, skinny lawyer.

    ~~~***~~~
    A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
    “Ten years!”, he says.
    She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
    He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
    Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
    He replies, “Ten years!”
    She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
    He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
    Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
    And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
    ~~~***~~~
    A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
    While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
    At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
    Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
    The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’

    The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.'”
    ~~~***~~~
    Everyone have yourselves a super Friday and weekend!

  2. Kathy says:

    LOL!! Good stuff, Hardnox, and naturally I love the Texas joke! 🙂

    ~ ~

    Keith, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. “What happened to
    you?” asked his wife.

    “I had a terrible day,” replied Keith. “I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.

    When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

    Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half.”

    “I see,” said his wife, “that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”

    Keith replied, “Wrong room.”

  3. CW says:

    You and your helpers are in TOP FORM this Friday, Hardnox! I can’t even pick my favorite!

    ***************

    A man was out for a drink with the wife last night and said, “I love you.”

    She asked him, “Is that you or the beer talking?”

    He said, “It’s me……..talking to the beer.”

  4. Garnet92 says:

    An especially good vintage ‘Nox! Got several chuckles from this old dude!

  5. vonMesser says:

    In reference to country song number 1:

  6. Just Gene says:

    Thanks for the post – Here’s a couple of quickies – somewhere in the windmill of my mind that used to have a different meaning.
    Apple announced today it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

    Just think – If the Indians had give the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we would all have had a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!

    Wait a minute – something is coming back to me!.
    luvya

    • Kathy says:

      LOL, Gene – you crack me up! Back in our day lots of words had a different meaning that only us older Pilgrims understood! 🙂

  7. clyde says:

    Good stuff, all. Why the hell Starmorons EVER thought discussing race BEFORE someone had their morning cup was a good idea is baffling to me. Glad the dumb shits dropped that ridiculous idea.

  8. captbogus2 says:

    Number eleven C&W hit:

    (11) When The Moon Comes Up My Baby Goes Down