Funny Friday – March 20, 2015

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Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over  ….women like that are hard to find.”

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “Hi, I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.

—oo—

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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled, “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”

He began his series of questions:

Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.”

Tower: ” Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft: “The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

—oo—

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You know you’re a redneck when……

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.

24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

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ATT00011

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Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. And, “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma’s father thinks a bit then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“The Isis group,” she says. “Why them,” her father asks in shock?

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they’d love everyone a lot. And then they’d start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. “Thelma, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Thelma says, “and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the heck out of them.”

—oo—

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Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:  Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

—oo—

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Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.

“Hello. Is that the Sarge?”

“Yes?”

“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“No sir. The floor is still wet.”

—oo—

ATT00020

(hat-tip Buck, Blessed B, Garnet, Skip, Pat)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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4 Responses to Funny Friday – March 20, 2015

  1. CW says:

    “Nut and Yahoo” wins first prize with me!

    ***********************

    A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

    Finally the blond jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this”.

    She goes downstairs. When she finally comes back up to bed her husband says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?”

    The blond says, “I put the dog in our backyard. Let’s see how THEY like it!

  2. Kathy says:

    LOL! Those poor ol’ rednecks!

    Sylvia and Wanda Die and Go to Heaven

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

    WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?…

    SYLVIA: I froze to death.

    WANDA: How horrible!

    SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

    WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

    SYLVIA: So, what happened?

    WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

    I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

    SYLVIA: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer — we’d both still be alive.

  3. WTXGunRunner says:

    Excellent start to a wet, wet Friday! Good ones everybody.

    ~~~***~~~
    Four nuns were attending a baseball game. Four men were sitting directly behind them.
    Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.

    In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there.”

    Then the second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there.”

    The third guy said, “I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there.”

    The fourth guy said, “I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there.”

    The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any nuns there!”

    ~~~***~~~
    During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
    After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
    Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

    ~~~***~~~
    Have a great weekend out there!

  4. Grouchy says:

    Seems perfectly fitting for some of the weather we’ve had recently.

    Blonde and the Blizzard

    It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation…

    She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it.

    As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

    After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

    The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was alright, as she had been following him for a long time.

    She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard.

    The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over to Sears next.

    * * * * *
    Have a Grand and Safe week-end, everyone~! And don’t get stuck in your driveway!~!