Funny Friday – March 13, 2015

—oo—

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

To test this fact: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.  Then open it and see who’s happy to see you.

—oo—

husbands are so helpful

—oo—

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

‘Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!’

‘I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!’

‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied. ‘He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.

‘Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping in air. ‘It feels so wonderfully free!’

Another runner moved a long side. ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?’

‘Oh, yes’ our friend answered breathlessly. ‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you always wear a condom when you run?’

‘Nope… just when it’s raining.’

—oo—

bless you

—oo—

An elderly woman gets pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see — Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior Officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you a I was speeding, too.

—oo—

fast horses

—oo—

Some Jewish Jokes:

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”

The man says, “I make a good living.”

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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

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I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!

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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.

This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”

Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”

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Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor:

“See! What did I tell you?”

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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest.

The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?

The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

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A man called his mother in Florida . “Mom, how are you?”

“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”

The son said, “Why are you so weak?”

She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”

The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”

The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, “What part is it?”

The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”

The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

—oo—

kfc witness protection

—oo—

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York says, ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’

The second, from Chicago responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.’

The third surgeon, from Dallas says, ‘No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: ‘You know, I like construction workers…Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.’

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.’

—oo—

started eating

—oo—

California has the most lawyers

New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps

It was recently discovered that New Jersey had the first choice

—oo—

—oo—

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ And hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, And put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’

It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’

He yelled ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ And hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.  I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’ He said, ‘Yes, it is.’ I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax It’s a yellow ranch style house And the car’s parked right out in front.’ I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said,
‘I’m home every evening after five.’ I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes?’ I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea…
I called asshole #1. He said, ‘Hello’ I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, ‘Are you still there?’ I said, ‘Yeah!’ He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’ I said, ‘Make me.’ He asked, ‘Who are you?’ I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’ I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’ He said,
‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’ I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, ‘Hello?’ I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’ He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’ I said, ‘You’ll what?’ He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass’ I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’ Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ….. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

—oo—

—oo—

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, LA. One of the bike’s tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up.

Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies “Mexican eggs.”

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn’t believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it
and locks it.

She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

“I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it… Two have hatched and they’ve already stolen a bicycle.”

—oo—

—oo—

(hat-tip vonMesser, Grouchy, Kathy, Skip, Gil, Buck, Garnet, Gene, Hershey)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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6 Responses to Funny Friday – March 13, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    Good stuff, Hardnox!! Love the old woman driver!

    Speaking of cops and women……

    ~

    Two policemen call the station on the radio.

    “Hello. Is that you Sarge?”

    “Yes?”

    “We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor
    she had just mopped clean.”

    “Have you arrested the woman?”

    “No sir. The floor is still wet.”

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Those were very good, Nox! Mexican eggs indeed! lol

    ****** 23 ADULT TRUTHS ******

    1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
    3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
    4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
    5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
    6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
    7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
    9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
    10. Bad decisions make good stories.
    11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
    12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
    13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
    14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
    15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
    16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Coors Light than Kay.
    17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
    18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
    19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
    20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
    21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
    22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
    23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

    Ladies…..Quit Laughing.

    ***************************

    MORE FUNNIES!

    1. IS IT GOOD IF A VACUUM REALLY SUCKS?
    2. WHY IS THE THIRD HAND ON THE WATCH CALLED THE SECOND HAND?
    3. IF A WORD IS MISSPELLED IN THE DICTIONARY, HOW WOULD WE EVER KNOW?
    4. IF WEBSTER WROTE THE FIRST DICTIONARY, WHERE DID HE FIND THE WORDS?
    5. WHY DO WE SAY SOMETHING IS OUT OF WHACK? WHAT IS A WHACK?
    6. WHY DO “SLOW DOWN” AND “SLOW UP” MEAN THE SAME THING?
    7. WHY DO “FAT CHANCE” AND “SLIM CHANCE” MEAN THE SAME THING?
    8. WHY DO “TUG” BOATS PUSH THEIR BARGES?
    9. WHY DO WE SING “TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME” WHEN WE ARE
    ALREADY THERE?
    10. WHY ARE THEY CALLED “STANDS” WHEN THEY ARE MADE FOR SITTING?
    11. WHY IS IT CALLED “AFTER DARK” WHEN IT REALLY IS “AFTER LIGHT”?
    ~~~***~~~
    BARACK OBAMA MET WITH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.
    He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
    “Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
    Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?”
    The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”
    The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”
    Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, your Majesty?”
    The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
    Who is it?”
    Without pausing for a moment, Cameron answered, “That would be me.”
    “Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
    Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
    “I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
    Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, “Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
    Sarah Palin answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
    Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama.
    “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Sarah Palin!”
    Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s David Cameron!”
    ~~~***~~~
    The last one is just my small tribute to the current admin, I guess. LOL Have a great weekend everyone!

  3. Just Gene says:

    I’m going to send youse guys the bill from the emergency room visit I had to make because I couldn’t stop my belly laughing.
    luvya

  4. CW says:

    My favorite is the spaghetti poured onto the stove. That could soooo be my house.

    *********************

    A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”

    “Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, “How does that feel?” to which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

  5. Grouchy says:

    What a Day, and what a WEEK~!

    THE BLONDE WHO HUNTED ALLIGATORS:

    After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
    the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my
    own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’
    The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you
    go give it a try?’

    The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
    Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young
    woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

    He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning
    reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the
    slippery bank.

    Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched
    in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

    Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration……

    Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!!!!!****

    * * * * *
    And that’s the way it goes, this Friday, The Thirteenth of March, 2015

    Have a Wondoriously Grandiferous Week-End, Everyone~!