Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
To test this fact: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open it and see who’s happy to see you.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
‘Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!’
‘I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!’
‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied. ‘He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.
‘Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping in air. ‘It feels so wonderfully free!’
Another runner moved a long side. ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?’
‘Oh, yes’ our friend answered breathlessly. ‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you always wear a condom when you run?’
‘Nope… just when it’s raining.’
An elderly woman gets pulled over for speeding.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see — Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior Officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you a I was speeding, too.
Some Jewish Jokes:
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”
The man says, “I make a good living.”
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor:
“See! What did I tell you?”
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest.
The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
A man called his mother in Florida . “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York says, ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’
The second, from Chicago responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.’
The third surgeon, from Dallas says, ‘No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: ‘You know, I like construction workers…Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.’
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.’
California has the most lawyers
New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps
It was recently discovered that New Jersey had the first choice
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ And hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, And put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’
He yelled ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ And hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’ He said, ‘Yes, it is.’ I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax It’s a yellow ranch style house And the car’s parked right out in front.’ I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said,
‘I’m home every evening after five.’ I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes?’ I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea…
I called asshole #1. He said, ‘Hello’ I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, ‘Are you still there?’ I said, ‘Yeah!’ He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’ I said, ‘Make me.’ He asked, ‘Who are you?’ I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’ I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’ He said,
‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’ I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, ‘Hello?’ I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’ He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’ I said, ‘You’ll what?’ He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass’ I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’ Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ….. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, LA. One of the bike’s tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up.
Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies “Mexican eggs.”
The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn’t believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it
and locks it.
She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
“I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it… Two have hatched and they’ve already stolen a bicycle.”
(hat-tip vonMesser, Grouchy, Kathy, Skip, Gil, Buck, Garnet, Gene, Hershey)
Have a great Friday.