Funny Friday – March 6, 2015

Windows : Please enter your new password.

User : cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

User : boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

User : 1 boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

User : 50boiledcabbages

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

User : 50DAMNboiledcabbages

Windows : Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

User : 50BoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!

Windows : Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

User : ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

Windows : Sorry, that password is already in use.

—oo—

—oo—

Two guys in their mid-twenties sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man you look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time, three times a night every night. I just don’t know what to do.”

A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, “Marry her. That’ll put a stop to it”

—oo—

—oo—

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

—oo—

—oo—

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Nico the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Well what did she think I had, an elephant?)

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

She asked me if it works…(WHY oh WHY did she ask me that???) I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat a few every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (Practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and got hit by a parking car.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

—oo—

Iranian Man

—oo—

Once upon a time a Military Aviator asked a beautiful princess, “Will you marry me?” The princess said, “No!”

And the aviator lived happily ever after and flew in helicopters all over the world and drove hot cars and chased long-legged, big-breasted women and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Belgium beer and forty year old single malt scotch and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was deployed and all his friends and family thought he was unbelievably cool. And he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

—oo—

Lastly, Hitler opines about the latest Hildabeast email fiasco

—oo—

(hat-tip Skip, Hershey,  Gene, and Buck)

Have a great Friday.  I hope this spell of Global Warming ends soon.  I’m sick of it.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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10 Responses to Funny Friday – March 6, 2015

  1. WTXGunRunner says:

    That is some really good stuff right there! Good ones, Nox.

    ~~~***~~~
    A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, “Are they relatives of yours?”

    “Yes,” his wife replied. “I married into the family.”
    ~~~***~~~
    My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
    She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”
    “What’s the matter?” I asked.
    “There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

    “That’ll teach them!” I replied.
    ~~~***~~~
    So Hillary Clinton, Rick Perry, and Billy Graham Were on a Plane.
    The airplane was about to crash, and there were 4 passengers left, but only 3 parachutes.
    The first passenger, Rick Perry said “I’m the governor of the great state of Texas, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of millions of people, helping lead our state to prosperity, etc.” So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
    The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said “I am the future first female President of the United States, and I am the smartest woman in the world.” So she takes the second parachute and exits the plane.
    The third passenger, Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a 10-year old boy scout “I am old and frail and I don’t have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.”
    The Boy Scout said “It’s okay! There’s a parachute left for you. The ‘world’s smartest woman’ took my backpack.”
    ~~~***~~~
    A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

    Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

    He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,

    “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”
    ~~~***~~~
    That’s it folks! Enjoy your weekend and I hope the Frost Devil leaves you alone, if you’re being bothered by him that is!

  2. Kathy says:

    LOL!! Good stuff, ‘Nox!

    An Englishman, Scottish man and Irishman selling bibles door to door, they have a bet who will sell the most in a day.

    They meet up at end of day and Englishman has sold 2, Scottish man had sold 3, but the Irishman who had a terrible stutter says hhhee hhhee hhhad sssold ssssixty. The other two asked how did he do it.

    He said, “Wwwhen Iiiii nnnnnnknock aaaat thththe ddddooor I said: Do you wwwwwant tto bbbuy a bbbbbible ooooorrr shshshould Iiii jjjust rrrread it tttto yyyyou?”

  3. CW says:

    I love those Hitler videos!

    Here’s mine:

    Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.” Jim Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

    The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

    “Logic?” Bubba says. “What’s that?”

    The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard.”

    “That’s true, I do have a yard.”

    “I’m not done, the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

    “Yes, I do have a house.”

    “And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

    “I have a family.”

    The Dean keeps going: “Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”

    Yes, I do have a wife.”

    “And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

    “I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater.”

    Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

    “Logic?” Jim Bob says, “What’s that?”

    Bubba says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?”

    “No.”

    “Then you’re a queer.”

    • Just Gene says:

      Just a side note on Hitler – I had a brother and a sister – we were raised Catholic – my brother’s birthday was on St. Joseph’s birthday – my sister’s was on Mary’s birthday – mine was on Hitler’s!!!!!!!!!!!
      luvya

  4. Garnet92 says:

    Interview with 101 year old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Schuyler Nebraska …

    “For better digestion I drink beer, in the case of appetite loss I drink white wine, in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine, in the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch, and when I have a cold I drink schnapps.”

    When asked when she drinks water, she replied, “I’ve never been that sick!”

    ~~~~~~~~~~

    Medical Problem

    You’ve seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

    I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

    She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

    I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

    The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.” When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

    1/3 ownership in the store,
    a company pickup truck,
    a king size bed and
    $3,000 a month in living expenses.”

  5. I.R. Wayright says:

    Hillary was watching TV one evening and saw the NutriSystem commerical featuring a fabulously sexy looking Marie Osmond. She gave her a call the next day and asked Marie;
    “Hello Marie, this is Hillary Clinton. I was just wondering if I started now taking the product you are advertising, how long would it take me to look as good as you do?”

    Marie pondered the thought for a few seconds and replied, “I would guess about four generations.”

  6. vonMesser says:

    Teenagers have their short texting codes
    LOL- lots of love…. OMG…..Oh my God…… TTYL….talk to you later….. etc….

    Not to be outdone by these kids, now senior members have their own short codes.
    ATD – At the Doctor’s
    BFF – Best Friend’s Funeral
    BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
    BYOT – Bring your own teeth
    CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center
    DWI – Driving While Incontinent
    FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
    FYI – Found Your Insulin
    GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
    GHA – Got Heartburn Again
    LOL – Living on Lipitor
    TOT – Texting on Toilet
    TTYL – Talk to You Louder
    WATP – Where are the Prunes?
    GGLKI! (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

  7. Grouchy says:

    Man, what a collection today~! WHOO HOO~!

    A Redneck died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

    St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

    “Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

    Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

    St. Peter responded, “That’s Ronald Reagan’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Reagan told only two lies in his entire life.”

    “Where’s Obama’s clock?” asked the man.

    “Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office.

    He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

    * * * * *

    Have a great day, every one~! And a Wondorious Week-end~!

  8. Hardnox says:

    Y’all are on a roll. Great stuff! Thanks for your contributions.