This is another piece that I wrote in August of 2008, before the election. I was hoping to influence a few more voters to vote for John McCain rather than Obama. Obviously, it didn’t work, but it was still a fun piece to write.
It has been said that the uncommon zeal exhibited by Barack Obama’s followers is more like a religion than a political movement. It is so. We have uncovered tenets of the theocracy surrounding this messianic candidate. In order to better understand the movement and, in the spirit of forgiveness (for they know not what they do), accept them into our hearts, we provide this information.
Variations of Obamanism
The Fundamentalist Obamanites believe in the inerrancy of the Prophet Obama’s holy website.
The majority of his followers believe that the statements made on his holy website, barackobama.com, are infallible when berating his opponent, Senator John McCain or bashing the President, George W. Bush. But they believe that when discussing healthcare, taxes, abortion, William Ayers, Rev. Wright or anything else, he speaks in an ancient tongue not fully understood by mortals and thus, he is often misquoted and misunderstood.
Some of his flock are staunch defenders of each and every word on the holy site – they believe that barackobama.com (having been blessed by the Prophet) is incapable of hosting anything but truth – it is entirely inerrant. It even states “I AM HE WHO AM,” and they believe that he really is “he who is.”
The Four-day Obamanites are a small spin-off faction of the Seventh-day Obamanites but meet in 4-day Tire store for worship. The tire shop surroundings have resulted in a “What Goes Around, Comes Around” doctrine to keep the faithful from hydroplaning down the road of life.
With sermon themes like “Inflate Your Tires, Not Your Ego” and “Stay Pumped Up, Don’t Fall Flat,” the Four-day Obamanite congregation expects a “Good Year” as a result.
A Reform (or Reformed) Obaminite believes that Obama’s dogma is a “living” dogma. It is subject to constant reinterpretation in an attempt to keep pace with the Obamessiah’s dogma de jour.
Reform Obamism is a form of Confusionism which embraces the Phlip Phlop creed. The creed tells of a Mantra of Alternating Voices by which one may confuse voters by talking out of both sides of one’s mouth.
First defined by Master Dam Wee Phlip in 1610 and further expounded by Sub-master Ewe Kan Phlop in 1612, the scripture requires that disciples constantly change position to keep Republican demons from gaining advantage. Those who follow this scripture are known as Phlip Phloppers and religiously follow opinion polls.
Some berate the Prophet when speaking extemporaneously because he often pauses and inserts an “uhhhh” or an “ahhhh” into his replies. The faithful prefer to believe that Obama is meditating during the “uhhhh” and “ahhhh” pauses in his sermons, all the while his uber-powerful brain is thinking far ahead of any mere mortal.
A Conservative Obaminite is an oxymoron; no such thing exists.
An Orthodox Obaminite is a Marxist in a Ralph Lauren suit – a Ray Nagin (New Orleans Mayor) with a better façade. The group’s philosophy is “Let Sleeping Dogmas Lie.” Orthodox Obaminites attend worship services but are oblivious to sermons. Instead, they meditate on important issues, like Priestess Scarlett Johansson in a teddy, Scarlett Johansson in a bikini, and Scarlett Johansson without her priestly trappings.
No matter the sect, all Obaminites embrace the theology of “He is the One We’ve Been Waiting For” for the faith fills their hearts and they yearn for his triumph. Lives will be complete, ambitions achieved, and all will be right in the heavens.
Passages from The Book of Soros, The Book of Wright, The Book of Ayers, etc. have not yet been fully translated. The first book to be completed was The Book of Deception. It is presented here:
The Prophet Obama, the Book of Deception
And there came to pass a plague upon the land and its name was moveon.org and it was filled with Soros, and they begat gold and silver and riches to make a king. And there arose up a new savior over the land and his name was Obama.
And he shall be thy spokesman unto the people; and he shall be a mouth, and we shalt be to him a source of riches.
Now therefore go, and we will be thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say. And they will say Obama will be king.
And Obama spoke.
And he said unto the Bushites, why have you done this thing? I have seen afflictions among the people and the money-changers have taken their land because they had not paid their tributes, you have led them to suffer and die because they had not herbs and potions. I will shower the people with herbs and potions and they will be healthful and multiply manifold.
Go and gather the elders and say unto them that the old king did do unspeakable things over his people and spake not the truth. He did curry war with Sadam who was a Godly man who loved his people and he was not our enemy and did not begat yellowcake or covet weapons of many destructions.
And the old king’s sins were plentiful and many and Obama said that he brought down the wrath on lands and did cause the tribute for oil to rise and caused the multitudes great woe and anguish.
And Obama said, I will see this great sight, the burning of the Bush and he will go, never to be king again. I will go among the Clintons and smite Hillary so she cannot be chosen, she of the long tooth and pantsuits and who spaketh many lies.
And it came to pass that Hillary was smote and Obama was the chosen one.
And the disciples of Obama were fruitful and increased mightily and the land was filled with them. His cup ranneth over with silver and gold and all who knew of Him were warm and legs became tingley in His presence. Even in Heaven, the Angels sang O Bah Mah, O Bah Mah and it was good.
And they shall hearken to My voice and thou shalt come, thou and others of the land, unto the voting place, and behold, ye shall say unto the acolyte, I will say Obama. There be not sin in saying Obama many times. Ye will be fruitful who speak Obama many times. Who hath the dead, the animals, and the offenders, let them all come unto the voting place and say Obama. Any who will say Obama will be My flock and as they come unto me, they will be well and truly flocked.
For I will stretch out My hand, and smite McCain with all my wonders which I will do in the midst thereof. Neither will the people hearken to the voice of McCain. He is old of body, and of a slow tongue, lest he be the king and bring upon us an age liken unto the old king and beget an era of war.
I am come down to deliver my people out of the hand of the Republicans, and to bring them up out of that woe and misery unto a land flowing with milk and honey. Our armies will make their swords unto plowshares and leave foreign lands in a time of sixteen months. And all will say My name and rejoice that I am king, the star of the rock, the prophet of Heaven, the king of the world.
Therefore Obama will deal with the tribes of Pelosisus and the Reidites and tell them they should join unto His disciples and do His bidding lest they join unto our enemies and they fight against us. They will do my bidding lest I smite them heavily and rain down pestilence and plague upon them.
And I will give My people favour in My sight: and it shall come to pass, that, when ye go, ye shall not go empty, for many gifts and earmarks and pork will follow. And ye may lay down in the tent of Him, if thou hath pledged enough spices and gold.
And Obama charged his people, saying every Republican, ye shall move them from office, and cast them into the river and no more will their voice be heard for they are as devils and do great evil.
And many spake against Him and Rush and O’Reily and Hannity were making true sounds. And behold the bloggers who spake the truth and of the News of Fox who spake against Obama. They all were smitted and their sounds were muted for they spake lies and untruths of the Prophet Obama.
And Obama said unto McCain, what is that in thine hand? And McCain said, it is a rod of truth. And Obama said, cast it on the ground. And He cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent of truth; and Obama shrank and fled from before it as He could not cast his eyes on the truth, neither could He say the truth and He was sore afraid of the serpent.
And God (not Obama) spoke
Verily I say unto you, why have Democrats sent us such a false prophet? He hath naught in His heart, not truth, not wisdom. He hath gathered no straw, He has built no shelter, nor has He suffered a bondage. He is empty of tunic and His head is of vapors, He knows naught but what He is bid by the Pharisees of Soros and the minions of moveon. And He has not a strong hand and your enemies will know He is weak and rain down stones and sulphur and fire upon you.
If Obama is chosen, the fault hath lain in thine own people and great taxes and bondage will fall on the country and the people will be as slaves and wailing and cries will not be heard by His ears.
He will smite your swords and take them away, your children will be cut from the womb, and He will bring pestilence and frogs and locusts and swarms of flies upon the land. Fish and insects will be exalted and your people will be parched and dry. Thunder and hail will darken the land. Your oils will dry up and your lamps will dim and freedom will shrivel and die.
And ye will be beholden to the false prophet.
OBEY MY WORD: SPEAK NOT OBAMA, SPEAK MCCAIN
(sayeth the booming voice from above)