Funny Friday – February 20, 2015

The Enabler in Chief

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Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. “Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.”

“What’s the bad news?”, asks Ole.

“The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker.  I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena”.

“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Ole. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, She’s going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don’t pee in your eye.”

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morn: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back: “Gently pour lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”

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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My coworker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked “What are you doing ?” I told him I was a light bulb. He said “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.

” I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, ” And where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark!”

—oo—

Hey Massachusetts… stop your whining.

 

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Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta and they see a sign on a store which reads, “Suits $5.00 each! shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each.

“Bubba says to his pal: “Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back to Sand Mountain, sell ’em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin ”cause if they hear your accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and won’t wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I’ll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so’s they don’t know we is from Alabama.”

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and…”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from Alabama, ain’t ya?”

Well, yeah,” says a surprised Bubba..”How come you knowed that?”

“Because this is a dry cleaners.”

—oo—

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Are you irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care about or respect others? Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police department in the small town of Columbus, Nebraska who reported finding a man’s body last Saturday in the early evening in the Platte River near the State Highway-30 bridge.

The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in Central City. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 6 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

The Columbus police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

So there, police do care.

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eyebleach1

Remedy:

eyebleach2

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The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Norfolk Naval Base.

A grizzled old retired Marine fighter pilot wearing a faded baseball cap emblazoned with a VMFA 224 squadron patch, his tatty leather flight jacket with many more squadron and aircraft carrier patches was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.

A curious young Navy fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

“Fishing,” the old Marine simply said.

‘Poor old fool, another dumb Marine fighter pilot’ the Navy officer thought and so he invited the ragged old timer into the pub for a drink.

Sipping his Chardonnay semi-sweet white wine and watching the old Marine drinking a double Johnny Walker Black label scotch whiskey, he felt he should start some conversation, the Navy pilot asked, “And how many have you caught today?”

“You’re the eighth,” said the old Marine pilot.

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For High blood pressure sufferers – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins, remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap place on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life: WD40 and Duct Tape.  If it doesn’t move and should, use WD40.  If it shouldn’t move and does, use duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem,

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abe

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fruit

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(hat-tip Grouchy, Pat, Skip, Kathy, Gil, BB, Crawfish, David)

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Have a great Friday.  Humor is a good antidote for what ails us.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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6 Responses to Funny Friday – February 20, 2015

  1. Blessed B. says:

    LOL! Those were good! I needed that laugh!

    Canadian Joke~

    John & Ladine are at the airport in Phoenix, Arizona awaiting their flight.

    They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, all ready to head home to the Canadian winter.
    An old American couple standing nearby in shorts are intrigued by their manner of dress.

    The wife says to her husband, “Look at that couple. I wonder where they’re from?”
    He replies, “How would I know?”
    She counters, “You could go and ask them.”
    He says, “I don’t really care. You want to know, you go ask them.”

    She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks, “Excuse me, I’ve noticed the way you’re dressed and I wonder where you’re from?”
    John replies, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.”

    The woman returns to her husband who asks, “So, where are they from?”
    She replies, “I don’t know. They don’t speak English.”

    ……………………………………………………………………………………

    There were two nuns

    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
    and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL ) .

    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
    thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It’s logical. He wants to **** us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
    What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little
    while later…

    SM: It’s not working.

    SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
    started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll
    go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
    happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so
    he followed me

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
    and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL : Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
    than a man with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

    Say two Hail Marys!

    …………………………………………………………………………………………….

    A Newfoundlander living in Toronto decided to visit the Scarborough zoo.

    While there, he saw a man with an elephant act.

    The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person’s age.

    The trainer had the elephant look at a small boy.

    The elephant stamped its foot 9 times.

    “Is that right?” he asked the boy.

    “Oh yes”, said the boy.

    The Newfie was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.

    Finally, the trainer could take it no longer, and offered to bet the Newfie that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.

    The Newfie accepted the wager.

    The elephant looked very closely at the skeptic,then turned around,raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn’t believe.

    Then he turned back around and stomped his foot twice.

    The Newfie stumbled back, amazed, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice, cried,
    “Lard tunderin’ b’y, GOD he’s right!!!!

    I’m farty-two!”
    ………………………………………………………………………………
    Have a Great Day and a Better Tomorrow…

    Do not regret growing older.

    It is a privilege denied to many.

  2. Kathy says:

    LOL! Good stuff, guys!!

    A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the exam room, the woman bursts out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

    An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was. After she explained it the doctor, he told her to go relax in another room.

    The older doctor marched down the hallway and confronted the new doctor. “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Brown is 63 years old, has grown children and several grandchildren and you tell her she’s pregnant??”

    The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard, and without looking up, he asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

  3. WTXGunRunner says:

    Great stuff, guys!

    ~~~***~~~
    An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’
    His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’
    After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
    Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.
    He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
    Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
    The wife says, ‘What was that?’
    The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides!
    ~~~***~~~
    Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
    The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.”
    Bill was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
    Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”
    Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bill. “Bill, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.”
    “Oh yeah,” said Bill. “I remember now.”
    He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
    “You are really dumb, Bill. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”
    ~~~***~~~
    The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual “This won’t hurt a bit” routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.
    “Miss,” he said in a barely audible whisper, “You have hold of my privates!”
    “Yes, doc, I know,” she smiled, “and we aren’t going to hurt each other, are we?”
    ~~~***~~~
    Hope everyone has a spectacular weekend!

  4. Clyde says:

    Y’all outdid yourselves this week, especially that video.

    • upaces88 says:

      I know,Clyde! I couldn’t even pick a favorite!!
      This one sentence– I had to correct it 3 x’s because I kept LOL.

  5. vonMesser says:

    20 Zen Principles to live by

    TEACHINGS

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
    2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
    3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
    4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
    5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
    6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
    7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
    8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
    9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
    10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
    11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
    12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
    13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
    14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.
    15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
    16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
    17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
    18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
    19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse – then things just keep getting worse.
    20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    And – for those people who need toilet seat left up justification: “Honey, I was just being considerate – and letting you know I did not pee on the seat.”