Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. “Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news?”, asks Ole.
“The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena”.
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Ole. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, She’s going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don’t pee in your eye.”
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morn: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “Gently pour lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked “What are you doing ?” I told him I was a light bulb. He said “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.
” I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, ” And where do you think you’re going?”
She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark!”
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta and they see a sign on a store which reads, “Suits $5.00 each! shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each.
“Bubba says to his pal: “Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back to Sand Mountain, sell ’em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin ”cause if they hear your accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and won’t wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I’ll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so’s they don’t know we is from Alabama.”
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and…”
The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from Alabama, ain’t ya?”
Well, yeah,” says a surprised Bubba..”How come you knowed that?”
“Because this is a dry cleaners.”
Are you irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care about or respect others? Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.
This story involves the police department in the small town of Columbus, Nebraska who reported finding a man’s body last Saturday in the early evening in the Platte River near the State Highway-30 bridge.
The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in Central City. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 6 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The Columbus police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
So there, police do care.
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Norfolk Naval Base.
A grizzled old retired Marine fighter pilot wearing a faded baseball cap emblazoned with a VMFA 224 squadron patch, his tatty leather flight jacket with many more squadron and aircraft carrier patches was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.
A curious young Navy fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
“Fishing,” the old Marine simply said.
‘Poor old fool, another dumb Marine fighter pilot’ the Navy officer thought and so he invited the ragged old timer into the pub for a drink.
Sipping his Chardonnay semi-sweet white wine and watching the old Marine drinking a double Johnny Walker Black label scotch whiskey, he felt he should start some conversation, the Navy pilot asked, “And how many have you caught today?”
“You’re the eighth,” said the old Marine pilot.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For High blood pressure sufferers – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins, remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap place on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you’ll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life: WD40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use WD40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use duct tape.
7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem,
(hat-tip Grouchy, Pat, Skip, Kathy, Gil, BB, Crawfish, David)
Have a great Friday. Humor is a good antidote for what ails us.