To Adopt A Terrorist

In today’s world, even the most insane activities have the ring of plausibility. Following is a SATIRE, that illustrates that point perfectly.


Adopt a Terrorist – Too Good to Miss!


A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.
She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
M Gen. George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed’s meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be “one-handed” foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) — but look on the bright side.. no increase in the toilet paper bill.

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn’t been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee’s cage: “Does not play well with others.”

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Qur’an.

Oh — and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren’t more than 2 or 3 days dead.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

Gordon O’Connor
Minister of National Defense


~ ~ oOo ~ ~


Again, please note that this is a SATIRE. But that is not to say that there are not liberals who would just salivate and pant with a frenzy for the chance to fulfill the requirements of this missive~!

Yes, my little Chickadee, it DOES take all kinds~!


~ ~ Grouchy ~ ~

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8 Responses to To Adopt A Terrorist

  1. Terry says:

    I was sad to learn this is satire…. 🙁 sniff

    I did see that originally, this was fabricated in 2005 as a letter to the WH, and the reply was from Donald Rumsfeld.

    • Grouchy says:

      Actually, Terry, this is one of the latter incarnations of this spoof. And I do believe there was one prior to Mr Rumsfeld. But I could be mistaken.
      And to be honest, I’m glad it is satire – I’d hate to live next door to the person harboring this heathen~!

  2. This brings a smile to the face. It also gave pause to the thought would the liberal actually would of took care of the terrorist. God help us if they did.

    • Grouchy says:

      Angel, perish the thought! As the olde tyme maps used to say, when venturing into the unknown, “Here there be dragons!~!”,,, And truly there would be~!

  3. Clyde says:

    Great job with this, GF. NO QUESTION there are liberals who would THAT stupid.

    • Grouchy says:

      Thanks, Clyde.
      Well, we could always ask The Obama Phone lady if she’d care to give it a whirl,,, ,,,

      omgawrsch~! She just might take the requester up on it~!

  4. Blessed B. says:

    Actually…there is some truth to this….there was a Canadian Liberal woman who was complaining to the gov’t. about the treatment of Afghani prisoners…..

    She was informed that Canada has no prisoners from our stint in Afghanistan…. Canada is not looking after the prisoners that were turned over to the Afghani’s, so she should take her concerns up with the Afghani Government.