Funny Friday – February 13, 2015

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?”

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”

The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Below are 12 replies. If you have been married for quite a while….a sign of true love….who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s up with you?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the heck did you do now?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

—oo—

—oo—

Two good ol’ boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!”

—oo—

—oo—

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too…  I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?’  To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”

—oo—

—oo—

(hat-tip Hershey, Gil, Gene)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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17 Responses to Funny Friday – February 13, 2015

  1. Liz Entrekin says:

    Great way to start my day thanks.

  2. Kathy says:

    Two black guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other,

    “You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes

    burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?”

    The second black guy says, “Yeah, all the time.”

    The first one asked, “Why is that?”

    The second says, “I’m pretty sure it’s the pepper spray.”

  3. CW says:

    How are we supposed to laugh when you remind us we have 23 more months of Obama???

    **********

    A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, “Get me a coffee quickly!”

    The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”

    No”, replied the trainee.

    “I’m the Managing Director of the company, you fool!”

    The man shouted back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?”

    “No”, replied the Managing Director.

    “Thats Good!”, replied the trainee and put down the phone.

  4. Just Gene says:

    A RETIREE’S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

    Yesterday
    I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Nico
    the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman
    behind me asked if I had a dog.

    (Well what did she think I had, an elephant?)

    So because I’m retired and have little to
    do on impulse I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the
    Purina Diet again.

    I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the
    hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
    intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
    both arms.

    She asked me if it works…

    (WHY oh WHY did she ask me that???)

    I told her that it was essentially a
    perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets
    with Purina Nuggets and simply eat a few every time you feel hungry. The
    food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
    again.

    (Practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in
    intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to
    pee on a fire hydrant and got hit by a parking car.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to
    have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

    Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

    (THAT’S JUST RUDE!)

    Better watch what you ask retired people.
    They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

  5. vonMesser says:

    A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to their next door neighbor’s dog.
    It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?” The blonde says,”I put the dog in our backyard… let’s see how THEY like it!”

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Two Blondes With Hammers …

    Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.

    Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

    Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,’Why are you throwing those nails away?’

    Lynn explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.’

    Judy got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see ‘Closed for Winter.’

    > +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

    ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.

    ‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide, ‘the blonde replied.

    ‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’

    ‘No, Silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’

    ‘So then?’ asked the doctor.

    ‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’

    ‘So then?’

    ‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

    The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ‘What are you doing?’

    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

    The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, hello! You need to roll up the windows first.’

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

    The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos…It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.’

    ‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing … I’m going to buy it!’ So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

    Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked?

    ‘Why, that’s a thermos, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,’ she replied..

    Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’

    The blond replied … ‘Two popsicles and some coffee.’

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

    A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’

    The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.’

    The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off, try to relax and rest up.’

    ‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.’

    The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

    ‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks.

    ‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!’

    Blonde Jokes Are The Best …

  6. Grouchy says:

    Good ones, Folks,,,

    A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters”.

    The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

    The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred Isis ‘S.O.B.’s'”.

    Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

    The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters.” The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ….. then silence.

    Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s two of them.”

    Have a Grandoriously Wondiferous Week-end, Folks~!

  7. Terry says:

    Funny stuff all !
    And NO Kathy, I did NOT have anything to do with von M’s blonduh jokes !

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    HOW POWERBALL WORKS (from ‘The Onion’ )

    The jackpot for Wednesday’s Powerball lottery is expected to surpass $450 million, as gamblers around the nation buy more tickets in hopes of drawing the lucky numbers. Here’s what aspiring Powerball winners should know about the drawing:

    Q. What are my odds of winning the Powerball jackpot?
    A. 25 percent.

    Q. Where can I buy Powerball tickets?
    A. Powerball tickets may be purchased at the same place you get your Camels and Potato Stix.

    Q. I am a gentleman of, shall we say, considerable means. Might it be possible for such an individual to game the system by buying two or even three tickets at once?
    A. Yes.

    Q. Who are some notable past Powerball winners?
    A. Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, Michael Bloomberg, Mark Cuban.

    Q. What if more than one person wins?
    A. The multiple winners must learn to share their prize, in the process learning a lesson far more valuable than all the Powerball jackpots in the world.

    Q. Do I need to be some half-witted dumbshit from Kansas or some other shit to win this thing?
    A. Yes.

    Q. What will this week’s winning Powerball numbers be?
    A. 4, 11, 19, 28, 41, Powerball 10.

    Q. What happens if the lower-tier, fixed-value prizes exceed Powerball’s cash reserves, forcing the jackpot to be paid on a pari-mutuel basis?
    A. Resources for dealing with gambling addiction can be found online or by calling 1-800-522-4700.

    Q. Who chooses the winning Powerball numbers?
    A. President Barack Obama.

    Q. Can I borrow a couple bucks?
    A. No.

    Q. Do lottery winners have to pay taxes?
    A. While encouraged to continue paying taxes and generally abiding by the law, lottery winners are exempt from the laws of man and nature alike.

    Q. What happens if the Powerball goes unclaimed?
    A. The unclaimed cash will be dropped into an undisclosed pit, buried in thick cement, and never spoken of again.

    Q. Can a Powerball winner void his winnings if he suddenly realizes money is a toxin that will poison his relationships and make him lose perspective on what is of actual importance in his life?
    A. Only time and the wretched yoke of experience can teach you that, my child. There is no other way.

  8. Pingback: My Article Read (2-13-2015) | My Daily Musing

  9. Clyde says:

    All good stuff.