Funny Friday – February 6, 2015

Obama Ad Naseum

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A husband walks into ‘Victoria’s Secret’ to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price; the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

The wife takes the negligee upstairs, looks at it and realizes it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing at all. She decides that instead of putting it on, she’ll model it in the nude, then return the negligee the next day and keep the $500 for herself

She then appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good grief, you’d think that for $500 they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot.

The funeral is next Thursday at 12 noon. In lieu of flowers, donations to the NARH (National Association for Retarded Husbands) are preferred.

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The  Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.  The wife was very upset  about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked:  “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria:  “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.  The first is that I iron better than  you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better  than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say  so.”

Wife: “Oh  yeah?” Maria: “The second reason eez  that I am a better cook than  you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you  were a better cook than me?”

Maria:  “Jor hozban did.” Wife,  increasingly agitated:  “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I  am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife,  really boiling now and through gritted teeth, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria:  “No Señora….the gardener  did.”

Wife: “So, how much do you  think would be fair  ?”

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Picture1

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Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, “Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!”

“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Harry.

“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?”

“Yes we are!” said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color.”

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!”

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Picture2

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A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery.  So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, ‘Every day after your shower, rub your chest and chant, ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!’

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew to a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.’

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ‘ Are you a patient of Dr. Bumbutu?

‘Yes I am.. How did you know?’

He winked and whispered, ‘ Hickory dickory dock’…

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Picture6

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During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

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Picture3

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Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

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Picture4

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An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated …38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ” “Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up!’ “?

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Picture5

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(hat-tip Pat, Hershey, Gil, Skip)

Have a great Friday and a fabulous weekend.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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8 Responses to Funny Friday – February 6, 2015

  1. WTXGunRunner says:

    Great stuff, Nox!

    ~~~
    A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?”
    The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”
    ~~~
    A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

    “Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
    ~~~
    A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.

    He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”

    His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”

    He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new bra?”
    ~~~

    Have yourselves wonderful weekend!!

  2. Clyde says:

    All good stuff. Reid and Pelosi couldn’t find Bozeman Montana if they were driven there. Besides, the ranchers would think they were coyotes, and “collect” the bounty.

    • captbogus2 says:

      Montana folks have the same ideas we do. I’d live there if it didn’t get so damn cold in the Winter.

  3. CW says:

    “How Liberals Think” – perfect!

    —————

    The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

    The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

  4. Kathy says:

    LOL! Love Funny Friday!

    Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.

    After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.”

    “DAMN!” said the father.
    “What’s wrong?”, the teacher asked.

    Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher’s butt before the day was over!”

  5. vonMesser says:

    1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead’s.

    2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

    3. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, Thyroid problem?”

    4. I don’t do drugs ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

    5. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”

    6. Money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

    8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?

    9. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

    10. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

    11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

    12. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

    14. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

    15. No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team is winning.

    16. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

    17. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

    18. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

    19. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

    20. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

    21. Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.

    22. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”

    23. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

    24. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

    25. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place.

    26. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl Alt delete and start all over?

    27. Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

    28. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

  6. Grouchy says:

    What a crew~! Not a sour note in the bunch~!

    Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him “I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

    “Oh God, no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc what’s the good news?

    “The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm. I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”

    “Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”

    The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. “Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

    “Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”

    “Not only that,” continued the golfer “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in water colours.”

    “Unbelievable!” said the surgeon “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”

    “Well, just one problem” said the golfer. “Every time I get an erection I also get a headache.”

    H/T to my Angel

  7. Bullright says:

    That’s it fill the bathtub with fruit loops. Good chuckles. Then I saw part of Susan Rice making a speech. ROTFLMAO — One giant punch line.