Funny Friday – January 30, 2015

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

—oo—

Picture3

—oo—

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife….”

—oo—

Picture2

—oo—

I have disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from my Neighborhood Watch program.

I got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner of my yard.

In the center of my yard I raised the black flag of ISIS.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service, and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.

I have never felt safer; and I am saving $49.95 a month

—oo—

Picture1

—oo—

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.

The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says:  “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically:  “Well done, very good news indeed!  You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers:  “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary”.

—oo—

Picture4

 —oo—

 (hat-tip: Gil, Gene, Buck)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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16 Responses to Funny Friday – January 30, 2015

  1. Terry says:

    TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

    DINING OUT
    1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
    covering the label.
    2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not
    have dogs.

    ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

    1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
    taxidermist.
    2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners

    PERSONAL HYGIENE

    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
    in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
    2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if
    you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
    3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
    detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

    DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

    1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
    2.Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out
    with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.”
    3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
    10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the
    man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
    4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll
    sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’

    WEDDINGS

    1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
    clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special
    occasion.
    5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

    DRIVING ETIQUETTE

    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and
    the deer is in sight.
    2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always
    has the right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is
    impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
    5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
    6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

    MICELLANEOUS

    1. Never take a beer to a job interview
    2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
    3 It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
    5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still
    considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

    TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:

    1. All the DNA is the same.
    2. There are no dental records

  2. Kathy says:

    Seniors and Passwords

    WINDOWS: enter your new password.

    USER: cabbage

    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

    USER: boiled cabbage

    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

    USER: 1 boiled cabbage

    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

    USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

    USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

    USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!

    WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

    USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

    WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

  3. WTXGunRunner says:

    Good stuff, Nox! And, Terry, as usual, LOL. Everyone have a great Friday and enjoy the weekend.

    After years of scrimping and saving, I told my wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”
    “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.

    “No,” I said sadly, “a 1979 Cadillac.”
    ~~~***~~~
    Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?” Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says. “Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.
    Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. It’s an invention of mine I’ve been working on. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
    He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
    The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.
    “Zoom out”, Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern New York state.
    “I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
    “Oh, no, it’s not really for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor. “But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.
    “I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger. “No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready…” “I’ll give you $1000 for it!” “Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…” “I’ll give you $5000 for it!” “But it’s just not…”
    “I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”
    Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. “Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
    Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”
    ~~~***~~~
    Have yourselves a Fantastic Friday!

  4. CW says:

    I never cease to be amazed at your ability to find new material each week, Hardnox. I know you have some help but still that’s quite a feat!

    ******************************

    Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
    An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it babe? You and me?”

    As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

    She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

    • Hardnox says:

      Thanks CW. It does take a while to put this post together. It’s easier when friends help.

      I’ve not heard your contribution before. LOL. 🙂

  5. 219rad says:

    Kudos to Harnox & Terry.

    Marriage (Part I )
    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    ‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
    I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
    I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
    I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
    I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
    when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you
    give me a hard time about it.
    Those are my rules. Any comments?’

    His new bride said:
    ‘No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.’

    (DARN SHE’S GOOD!)
    ************************************************
    Marriage (Part II)

    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
    The husband yells, ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
    that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!’

    ‘Yeah?’ she replies. ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
    that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!’

    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)

    *****************************************

    Marriage (Part III)

    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

    Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no
    good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

    After some time he realizes he was nasty and
    decides to make amends and rings her up.

    She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer the phone?’
    She says, ‘I was in bed.’

    ‘In bed this early, doing what?’

    ‘Getting a second opinion!’

    (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

    *****************************************

    Marriage (Part IV)

    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

    He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
    wife,’ Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections.

    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home Mother of Six?’

    His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion,
    shouts right back, ‘Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.’

    (RIGHT ON, LADY!)

    *****************************************

    THE SILENT TREATMENT

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home
    and were giving each other the silent treatment.

    Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
    to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
    of paper,’Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
    was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

    Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he
    noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    *****************************************
    God may have created man before woman, but there
    is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

  6. Garnet92 says:

    Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

    Ron replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

    The officer asked, “Really? And who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”

    Ron replied, “That would be my wife.”

    ~~~

    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

    Three women from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

    The English woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”

    The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

    The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”

    The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

    The Scottish woman came to him and said,

    “Ave ya ever been screwed, laddie?”

    The man broke into a big smile and said, “No”.

    She said, “Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in.”

    ~~~

    This is one we’ve all heard before, but this is a slightly different take on it.
    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

    Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple Iphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany … Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple ipad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

    “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

    “You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

    “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?

    “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollar’s worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

    “Now give me back my dog.”

  7. Bullright says:

    I like that 49.95 security savings. I was thinking when they had their stand with mullahs convention it would be the last place for a terrorist attack.

  8. Clyde says:

    All good stuff. Especially the one about the congcritter and the cowboy.