Funny Friday – January 23, 2015

Yay, it’s Friday!!!!!!!!!!

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Late Monday morning, the grizzled fighter pilot finally regained consciousness…

He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital’s ICU, with tubes up every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He remembered he’d been in a serious flying accident Saturday.

The nurse gave the fighter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Well, can I feel your boobs, then?”

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An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name

“Fred,” he replies

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship , residency, and finally got my degree, so  I was Fred Johnson, MD. ”

“After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.   Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.”

“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.  Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.”

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ancestry site

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the 2nd mom, Ann, and said, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the 3rd mom, Jane. “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the 4th mother, Kate, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

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(hat-tip Kathy, Gil, Crawfish, Hershey)

Have a great Friday and a better weekend.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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4 Responses to Funny Friday – January 23, 2015

  1. WTXGunRunner says:

    Finally Friday! Cold, slick Friday, but Friday none the less! Great stuff Nox!

    ~~~***~~~
    A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
    “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
    Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.
    Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘u-n-t’?”
    Only one word leapt to mind…my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

    “Ah Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
    ~~~***~~~
    His name was Bubba, he was from Texas … And he needed a loan, So… He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow
    $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.
    Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
    While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

    The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”
    His name was BUBBA…. Keep an eye on those Texas boys!
    Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid !!!
    ~~~***~~~
    Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
    The policeman said, “What’s he like?”
    Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”
    ~~~***~~~
    Have a great weekend everyone! Get ready for the Super Bowl next weekend!

  2. Kathy says:

    ADVICE FROM JON – A RETIRED HUSBAND

    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is Jon. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Sharon to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

    Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the country club, so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

    I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

    NOTE:

    Jon died suddenly on December 31, 2014 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jon, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

  3. Garnet92 says:

    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
    Three women from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
    The English woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”
    The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.
    The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”
    The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
    The Scottish woman came to him and said,
    “Ave ya ever been screwed, laddie?”
    The man broke into a big smile and said, “No”.
    She said, “Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in.”

    ~~~

    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?
    Wonder no more ! ! !
    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

    “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
    “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
    “Freeze a jolly good fellow …”
    [insert GROAN here]

    ~~~

    Understanding Engineers #1
    Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
    The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
    The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

    Understanding Engineers #2
    To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    Understanding Engineers #3
    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
    The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
    The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
    The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
    The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhousefrom a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!”
    The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
    The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here’s anything she can do for them.”
    The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

    Understanding Engineers #4
    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

    Understanding Engineers #5
    The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
    The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
    The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
    The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

    Understanding Engineers #6
    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
    One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
    Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
    The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

    Understanding Engineers #7
    Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

    Understanding Engineers #8
    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
    He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
    The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.”
    The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
    The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.”
    Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
    Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
    The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”

    ~~~

    Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
    A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
    “We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Sven, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
    The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.
    One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”
    Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

    ~~~

    Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
    Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
    Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”
    When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit…………

    ~~~

  4. Clyde says:

    All good stuff, especially Fred Johnson. Here goes : The old folks were sitting around the lunch table at the old folks home, these two little old ladies were chatting about an elderly gent seated across from them. The one little old lady turns to her friend and says ” I like that old fart. But, he never smiles or says anything. I know how I can get him to say something”. The other old gal says ” how are you going to do that?”. The first old girl says ” you just watch”. So, off she toddles to the other side of the table, stands in front of the old boy, flings open her gown, and shouts ” SSSSUUUUUPPPPEEEERRRRPPPUUUUUSSSSYYY” . The old codger never looks up, just says ” I’ll have the soup”.