Funny Friday – Jan. 16, 2015

 

its friday grin on

~O~

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo…right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly the ‘gorilla’ becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the ‘human-like’ gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off, so to get people’s attention again, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions’ den next to him.

A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions’ den. He starts screaming “HELP! HELP!” Suddenly a lion pounces on him from behind and whispers in his ear “Shut the hell up right now or you’re going to get us both fired.”

~O~

apparently upset

~O~

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ‘Take the dog for a walk.’

~O~

homework

~O~

hiccups

~O~

Happy Friday, y’all, have a great weekend.

~Kathy

(sitting in for Hardnox who is AWOL right now and owes me overtime pay) 🙂

(h/t to Blessed B and Wendy)

Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Funny Friday – Jan. 16, 2015

  1. CW says:

    You done good, Kathy!

    Since you’re filling in for Hardnox I’m throwing in a couple extra today:

    ———————

    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, “Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”.
    “We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,” she replied.

    The puzzled driver asks, “Then why do you buy them?”

    The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

    ——————

    Why isn’t there democracy in North Korea?

    Because every time they try to pronounce “election” everyone starts to giggle.

    —————-

    The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

    The patient said, “Give me the good news.”

    “They’re going to name a disease after you.”

  2. Garnet92 says:

    One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
    He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    “I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

    Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
    In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

    “No,” Obama said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

    The devil led him to the door of the next room.

    In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

    “No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Obama.

    The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

    Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.”

    The devil smiled and said………..

    (This is priceless…)
    .
    .
    .
    .

    “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”

    ~~~

    Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Russ didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
    A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and — lo and behold — there sat Russ!

    Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?
    Russ replied, ‘I have been in jail.’

    ‘Jail!’ cried Sam. What in the world for?’

    ‘Well,’ Russ said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’

    ‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?

    ‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.

    ‘The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

    ~~~

    I had a nightmare …

    In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I’m circumcised! Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver’s license photo and it was that same color. Black. I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it’s a wheelchair!!

    That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I’m also disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud ‘This is impossible. It’s impossible that I should be black, Jewish and disabled.’ ‘It’s the pure and holy truth’, whispers someone from behind me.

    I turn around, and it’s my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend. Oh, my God….. black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

    Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo…I’m bald!!! The telephone rings. It’s my brother. He is saying, ‘Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap… Any job.’ Mom?… Dad?… Nooooooooo… Now I’m also an unemployed orphan!

    I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan.

    But he doesn’t get it. Frustrated, I hang up. It’s then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker…. Pacemaker?

    Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

    At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, ‘Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who you’re going to vote for in the Primary? ……Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama???

    Say it isn’t so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, please …

    Oh dear God, please don’t tell me…. I’m a Democrat!

  3. Terry says:

    Good ones, guys & gals…but Garnet…ROFLASCAOTS !! The o’zero & the devil one is a CLASSIC !
    I’m almost embarrassed by my pitiful contribution, but here goes :
    ********************************************

    Two hunters were dragging their dead deer by its hind legs back to their truck.
    Another hunter approached pulling his along, too.

    “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something … but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”

    After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

    A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”

    “Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.

    ***************************

    God, Moses and Jesus decide to take some time off and go golfing.

    Moses is first up to tee-off. He drives the ball straight for the water trap. He instantly raises his club up over his head and the water trap parts and the ball rolls across on dry land.

    Jesus is next. He also drives the ball straight for the water trap. He stretches His hands out towards the water, and the ball rolls across the top of the water.

    God steps up to the tee box next. He reaches into His bag and pulls out His putter. He taps the ball and it bounces twice towards the fairway. At that exact instant a squirrel runs out from the rough and picks up the golf ball and starts running down the fairway. An eagle swoops down, picks up the squirrel and starts to fly away. Suddenly out of nowhere a bolt of lightening strikes and startles the eagle. The eagle drops the squirrel and the squirrel drops the ball onto the green. The ball bounces twice and falls into the hole.

    Jesus looks at God and said, “Nice shot, Dad!”

  4. upaces88 says:

    I am sitting here in my chair cracking up! I had to wait to respond because I was laughing SO hard, I couldn’t type!!!!

  5. Hardnox says:

    Good job Kathy. Kudos to all for the submissions.

    Garnet, however, knocked it out of the park with his three entries. 🙂