Funny Friday – January 9, 2015

—oo—

Random Thoughts

1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

6. I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what’s your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

—oo—

—oo—

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about that ?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker continues “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life” I reply “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance.  I left my wallet in the cab that took me home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.   I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.  Then you show up and swig the lot!

But enough about me, how’s your day going?

—oo—

—oo—

A student played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor student.

At graduation, he didn’t have enough credits but he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed if Dwayne could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and told Dwayne to come up. The principal had the diploma in his hand and said, “Dwayne, if you can answer this question correctly I’ll give you your diploma.”

Dwayne said he was ready and the principal asked him the question. “Dwayne,” he said, “How much is three times seven?”

Dwayne looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The other students began chanting, “Graduate him anyway!” “Graduate him anyway!”

Dwayne held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. he said, “I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one.”

A hush fell over the auditorium and all the other students began another chant. “Give him another chance!” “Give him another chance!”

—oo—

—oo—

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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14 Responses to Funny Friday – January 9, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    LOL, Love the buckshot!

    ~~~

    At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

    While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
    “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

    “Good question ,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”

    “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

    “Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”

    “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

    “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

    “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

  2. Terry says:

    Funny stuff, Nox. LOTS of Dwaynes popping up these days !
    ____________________________

    Dear Abby,
    I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.
    My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

    I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

    I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time “working girl”.

    All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancé’ and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

    Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?

    Signed,
    ~Worried About My Reputation

    ________________________________________________________

    A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

    “Sorry,we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
    She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman “I would like to buy this TV.”
    “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

    “Darn, he recognized me,” she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

    Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
    Frustrated, she exclaimed “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

    “Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

    • Just Gene says:

      Is it Dear Abby time?
      Dear Abby admitted she was at a loss to answer the following questions:
      (You can’t make up this stuff….)

      Dear Abby,
      A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

      Dear Abby,
      What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

      Dear Abby,
      I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

      Dear Abby,
      I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

      Dear Abby,
      Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

      Dear Abby,
      I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

      Dear Abby,
      My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

      Dear Abby,
      My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

      Dear Abby,
      You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

      Dear Abby,
      I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.
      luvya

  3. I.R. Wayright says:

    In case you’ve been wondering what NASA has been up to since being made a Muslim Outreach program, here is their latest technology.
    http://observationdeck.io9.com/amazing-rocket-launch-1674815939

  4. WTXGunRunner says:

    Really great stuff! Fridays always begin better with a big ole smile on your face!

    ~~~***~~~
    The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a huge forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
    As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
    “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
    “Why?” asked the pilot.
    “Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!”
    After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

    ~~~***~~~
    A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
    “And what will your third wish be?”
    The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”
    “You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”
    “Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads.”

    “Funny,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, “That was your first wish, too!”
    ~~~***~~~
    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!” After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?”
    ~~~***~~~
    Have a safe and wonderful weekend all!

  5. CW says:

    ISIL LOAD – that’s perfect!

    This is the cutest video from Kids Say the Darndest Things (Bill Cosby version). I’m not sure if the video will post or just the link:

  6. Clyde says:

    Ahhh….the things kids say. All good stuff everyone. I like the ISIL loads. Ought to work well.

  7. vonMesser says:

    Captain Charged With Manslaughter After Leaving Lieutenant Unattended In Parked Car

    FORT HUACHUCA, AZ — The company commander of a signal unit has been arrested on manslaughter charges after leaving his executive officer unattended in a parked car Friday, military police confirmed.

    Capt. Rick Halset, 30, was apprehended after his Executive Officer, Lt. Carl Higgs, 26, was found dead, still locked inside the vehicle.

    Higgs was apparently left in the car outside the post exchange (PX) while Halset went inside to grab a few things. “I told him I’d be right back, I didn’t think I needed to leave the car running, I really only meant to be gone a minute,” said an obviously distraught Halset.

    Bystanders reported the lieutenant had locked himself in the car with the windows up in the blistering Arizona sun. By the time Halset had returned, Higgs had suffered a heat stroke and passed away before base EMS could respond.

    Carolyn Tyler, an army spouse, was heading to the PX when she spotted Higgs in the car.
    “I was walking in to get some Boone’s Farm for me and the hubby to enjoy when he got back from the field and I saw this poor lieutenant stuck in that car,” Tyler said. “It’s over 100 degrees here, what kind of monster would leave that little guy in a hot car with the windows up?”

    Others tried to assist the young officer in unlocking the doors so he could get to safety.
    “I tried to coax him towards the door so maybe he’d hit the button, but I couldn’t get him to listen to me,” said Specialist Byron Tiller. “I’ve seen people do cruel stuff like that to lieutenants before, and it’s just not right. Unfortunately we got there too late to make much of a difference and before I called for a medic he was already headed out.”

    “I just couldn’t bring myself to tell the Captain what happened to the lieutenant,” First Sergeant Bryan McGraw told reporters. “He didn’t seem to understand why he wasn’t moving anymore, so I just told him Higgs had to go to a B-billet in recruiting where he was going to be very happy. I even promised him we’d go to Fort Benning, or hell, even West Point, and pick him out a new lieutenant. But he just kept crying ‘I don’t want a new lieutenant, I want Higgs!’”

    “I really feel bad for the young Captain,” he added.

    The incident has forced the Army to review its policies on the humane treatment of Lieutenants.

    “Some people think getting a lieutenant is as easy as feeding them, but there are a lot of other things, like training, mentorship, etcetera,” said Col. Steven Chang, Halset and Higgs’ battalion commander. “And when you get these irresponsible CO’s who get lieutenants and then neglect them, that’s how you get these dangerous lieutenants who are just going to get fired and end up in some staff section with nobody who loves them, waiting on a mentor who’s probably never going to show up. That’s why I always adopt my staff from the S-3 or company office.”

    Even enlisted soldiers are rallying to help young LT’s with the formation of the ASPCA, or Army Specialists, Privates, and Corporals Association. The ASPCA has a mission of “mentoring and caring for Lieutenants until they survive to make Captain,” according to ASPCA spokesperson Specialist Gina Woods.

    While the Provost Marshall’s office at Fort Huachua is seeking to charge Capt. Halset with manslaughter, Col. Chang has succeeded in reducing the charge to one misdemeanor count of neglect of a Junior Officer.

    “I listened to Colonel Chang’s argument, and I realized that it’s not really that young Captain’s fault,” said Maj. Stephanie Cook. “That’s a lot of responsibility to place on a young officer, and we’re proud that he remembered to feed him and take him for runs everyday.”

  8. Garnet92 says:

    A man was telling his buddy, “You won’t believe what happened last night… My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV, and my laptop. Please take my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again.

    And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’” “Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “she actually said that?”

    “Well, she didn’t put it quite like that. She actually said, Dad, meet my new boyfriend — Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign.’”

  9. Garnet92 says:

    I haven’t verified this on “Snopes”, but it sounds legit……. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

  10. Garnet92 says:

    This one’s not funny, just informative.

    The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 67 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

    This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.

    However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:

    Barrack Obama Sr.
    Albert A. Gore, Jr.
    Hillary Rodham
    William J. Clinton
    John F. Kerry
    Howard Dean
    Nancy Pelosi
    Dianne Feinstein
    Charles E. Schumer
    Barbara Boxer
    Joe Biden

    This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.

    I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.