1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
6. I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what’s your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about that ?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker continues “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life” I reply “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab that took me home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and swig the lot!
But enough about me, how’s your day going?
A student played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor student.
At graduation, he didn’t have enough credits but he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed if Dwayne could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.
The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and told Dwayne to come up. The principal had the diploma in his hand and said, “Dwayne, if you can answer this question correctly I’ll give you your diploma.”
Dwayne said he was ready and the principal asked him the question. “Dwayne,” he said, “How much is three times seven?”
Dwayne looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The other students began chanting, “Graduate him anyway!” “Graduate him anyway!”
Dwayne held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. he said, “I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one.”
A hush fell over the auditorium and all the other students began another chant. “Give him another chance!” “Give him another chance!”
Have a great Friday.