WASHINGTON, DC – While his detractors have accused President Obama of governing as an Imperial President, enacting his imperial commands via Executive Orders (EOs) rather than working through Congress to pass legislation. He has been quick to assert that he has issued fewer EOs than any president since Jimmy Carter and even 98 fewer than George Bush.
While that statement is technically true, it was recently learned that president Obama has been issuing a large number of executive actions using other mechanisms. Since the public has been alert for an overuse of executive orders, the president has simply labeled his continuing (probably unconstitutional) actions by other names. Using various euphemisms, his actions continue unabated. His staff laughingly calls these creatively-labeled actions “misdirectives.”
In fact, he has issued these alternatives to EOs far more often than any other president in history – using them to take unilateral action, especially when he knows that a bill supporting that action couldn’t get congressional approval.
Like executive orders, these presidential misdirectives don’t require action by Congress. They have the same force of law as executive orders and often have consequences just as far-reaching. And some of the most significant actions of the Obama presidency have come not by executive order but by presidential misdirective.
The Office of Legal Counsel – which is responsible for advising the president on executive actions says there’s no difference between an EO and any of the president’s misdirectives regardless of the nomenclature applied to them.
President Obama signed Executive Order (EO) #13498 almost immediately after being inaugurated. It specified that, in addition to formal EOs, other similar procedures may be necessary to implement his agenda. All would be equivalent to an Executive Order and carry the same force of law, but would be called by different names, to “prevent confusion.”
Since then, it has become apparent the main purpose for these presidential misdirectives was not to “prevent confusion” as described, but exactly the opposite – to obscure his actions from the American people.
Besides a formal Executive Order, there are many other types of actions that the president has used to direct activity within the government. Obama often refers to Executive Actions (some believe that his references are used as a feint to misdirect those who disagree with his actions), but uses other variously named methods to enact law unilaterally (without any interference from our pesky Congress).
Following are a few of the hundreds of creatively-named presidential actions with a brief description of its purpose. They are all loosely classified under the Obama administration’s internal term, “Presidential Misdirective.”
Executive Announcement #09-102 – This directive authorizes the release of Obama’s new book. Jointly written with Bill Ayers (like his others), the working title is: “How to shuck and jive the American people for fun and profit.” It is currently available on Netflix and VUDU. It is also available at the iTunes store.
Executive Decree #09-202 – This decree proposes to insert the president into the Village People disco group. Even though the gay community is proud to have one of their own as POTUS, it was felt by the group’s current members that adding a “president” just didn’t fit in with the existing cop, Indian, sailor, construction worker, cowboy and biker. Since the president abhors cops, cowboys, and anything military, and his coloration was deemed to be wrong for an Indian, he was left to choose between a construction worker and a biker.
Negotiations broke down when the Village People refused to allow the president to wear a hard hat and butt-less chaps at the same time. He is purported to favor such an outfit within the family quarters in the White House when alone with his “body aide” Reggie Love.
Executive Assignment #14-087 – A new Wing will be created within the U.S. Air Force. To be known as the 948th Domestic Tactical Wing, it will employ remotely operated drone airframes and will be used to protect the president and his agenda from disruption from domestic sources such as: Ted Cruz, Sharyl Attkisson, Trey Gowdy, and Rush Limbaugh.
The drones can also be used to “buzz” easily intimidated allies of the president to remind them that they are vulnerable. RINOs like John Boehner and Mitch McConnell need to be reminded that the president can squish them like a bug; the threat of a drone with their name on it serves to keep them cowering and sensitive to the president’s desires.
Executive Declaration #10-322 – The president has issued a new declaration that will authorize subsidies to be paid to shooting ranges that require shooters to use only Department of Homeland Security (DHS) authorized targets. The targets will be provided at no cost to the ranges and will include life-sized photographic representations of Ted Cruz, Sharyl Attkisson, Trey Gowdy, and Rush Limbaugh.
Some world leaders such as Bibi Netanyahu and Vladimir Putin may also be represented by target likenesses at selected ranges to encourage the manly sport of shooting heads of state at long range with high-powered rifles.
A notice will be posted on the premises to indicate that live-fire practice on Bibi or Vladimir would be considered an international faux pas and if the shooter is unsuccessful, he or she is unlikely to be invited to the White House Christmas party.
If however, an accidental shooting does render Bibi or Vladimir inoperable, the shooter will be invited to play a round of golf with the president as recognition of the skills that are required to make such a difficult long distance head shot.
Executive Directive #15-107 – Highly classified – Eyes only – Not for public release (especially to Congress). President Obama has recently discovered some hidden passages in the Constitution during his many late-night scholarly studies of the Constitution (with a flashlight under the covers) in the presidential bedroom. This particular one will hereinafter be known as the “F*** Congress” clause.
This directive will dis-establish Congress. Operating under the authority of a previously unknown portion of the Constitution, this hidden clause allows a president to dissolve Congress. As a “constitutional scholar,” Obama demanded that the original document be relocated to the White House so he could study it more closely. Subsequently, he stumbled upon several previously hidden directives written in invisible ink. The “F*** Congress” clause was one of the directives written by our founding fathers in lemon juice.
Conceptually, under the reign of our Dear Leader, there is no longer any need for a House of Representatives or Senate. King President Obama has deemed that his office operates more efficiently without them; they merely get in his way. Therefore, be it enacted that both houses of Congress be summarily disbanded and their members be reassigned to careers as crossing guards, personal injury lawyers, and federal building maintenance technicians. Those unqualified for any of those productive trades will be reassigned as professional protestors and given classes in sign painting, chanting, rioting, and looting.
The 1,344 incomplete or unsigned bills currently in various stages of legislation will be cancelled via a presidential mass veto. In a cost-containment measure, all 1,344 bills (encompassing 1,327,872 pages) will be shredded and distributed as mulch for Michelle’s arugula and kale garden and the White House medicinal herb garden.
Executive Guideline #09-390 – This guideline allows the president to create seven additional states to substantiate his comment during a campaign event in Beaverton, OR in 2008, when he claimed, “I’ve now been in 57 states.” Not wanting to be seen as wrong on anything (he believes himself to be infallible); the president will name an additional seven states. The list currently under consideration includes: Barackabama, Husseinavania, Obamiana, Blackofornia, Protestical, Sorosissippi, and Michellaware.
Plans are underway to whack away parts of (red) states in order to incorporate the new seven states into the continental United States map.
Executive Proclamation #10-881 – Effectively immediately there will be a moratorium on all law enforcement action that might otherwise be anticipated against a member of any of the herein identified protected groups. All legal actions currently in process by any other federal, state, or local governmental entity are also hereby rescinded.
Protected groups are herein defined as including (but not limited to): blacks, illegal aliens, any flavor of muslim, atheists, LGBT,ABLT, LSMFT, and any other group promoting deviant sexual activity with any creature regardless of the number of legs, humps, or hooves, all of Al Sharpton’s extended family, Kim Jong-un, Kim Poo-pee, Kim Ding-dong, Kim Cheech-chong, and any other Kim Anything-anything, etc., and any democrat who can document that they voted at least five times for Barack Obama in each of his 2008 and 2012 presidential elections.
Executive Pronouncement #09-005 – This directive rescinds President Bill Clinton’s ban on smoking in the White House and allows the president to light up (covertly) in the bathrooms and closets. Revised on 1/1/2015 to include joints, blunts, bongs, pipes, vapes, and hookahs. This directive also redefines Executive Rule #09-181 to include certain Hawaiian and Colombian herbs under the definition of prescription medication.
Any individual who informs either Michelle or Valerie Jarrett or otherwise rats out the president will be deemed to have committed treason and be subject to punishment by Obama’s newly created Department of Expungement.
Executive Specification #09-022 – Q LEVEL CLEARANCE – EYES ONLY – NEED TO KNOW. This specification identifies the information that is to appear on Obama’s birth certificate(s). The Specification also authorizes and funds the creation of any other documents that may become necessary to prove the president’s qualifications to be POTUS.
All information identifying the Photoshop subcontractors who created such birth certificate documents will be purged from all governmental records after the completion of their work.
Upon completion of their contract, the subcontractors will also be purged. They were never here; they never existed. Their physical existence will be expunged from all records (federal, state, and local) and their cadavers shredded and blended into animal feed. As a gesture of good will, the animal feed will be distributed to the farmers and herders of Obama’s Motherland (Kenya) as part of a Foreign Aid package.
Executive Plan #10-196 – The president has issued a plan to close the White House presidential quarters to all staff (including Michelle and Valerie) when he and Reggie Love want to play their version of touch football without interruption.
Some of the White House staff has reported overhearing Obama and Love during their game. They reportedly heard Obama shouting for Reggie to “go deep.” But since Obama was known as a tight end during his Chicago days, one would expect him to be a receiver. His reputation for being open and available for a pass was legendary.
It is not known which one plays quarterback and handles the balls although staff has also overheard complaints of rushing, roughing, touchbacks, and sacks. Though they play without any actual officiating, staff has also heard Obama calling for an instant replay.
Executive Edict #13-077 – This edict will create and fund a new public works project called the “Hire a Cracker” project. The project will hire subcontractors drawn from the ranks of homeless and unemployed white males. They will be recruited to carry signs, riot, and protest on behalf of African Americans who, absent the burden of frequent laborious protesting, will be available for rest and recuperation time on the country’s golf courses, tennis courts, and upscale spas.
With the racial aspect removed from confrontations, police will be encouraged to harass, assault, pummel, maul, and shoot the white protesting subcontractors at will. Survivors will be jailed and subject to Salem witch-dunking trials to determine their guilt.
Executive Summary #14-707 – TOP SECRET. All of the president’s activities, not otherwise approved to become public knowledge, will hereby be classified as “secret from the public” and will be collected into a Presidential Summary Liberry. NOTE: this Executive Summary is broken into 42,123 volumes to make item location more easily accessible.
Don’t worry. It’s not an Executive Order, it’s only a Misdirective; a benign little indication of the president’s whimsy.