Funny Friday – Jan. 2, 2015

aunt killer

–OO–

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.  An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.

“Judge Garber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”

Replied the governor: “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the undertaker.”

–OO–

bachelors

–OO–

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello, son, is your Grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

The minister fainted.

–OO–

every man has this look

–OO–

A small zoo in Alabama acquired a rare gorilla, who quickly became agitated. The zookeeper determined that the female ape is in heat, but there were no male apes available for mating.

 The zookeeper approached a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500? he asked.

The janitor accepted the offer, but only on three conditions: First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this. The zookeeper agreed to the conditions and asked about the third.

“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.

–OO–

hold in farts

–OO–

Have a great Friday everyone, and as always, please add your own.

~Kathy

(sitting in for Hardnox who’s having major internet/satellite problems due to the weather)

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8 Responses to Funny Friday – Jan. 2, 2015

  1. Terry says:

    Good stuff, Kathy ! Who knew blonduhs could be funny too ?
    ________________

    A man goes for a prostate exam.The proctologist is checking him out when he finds a roll of hundreds up the guy’s ass.He pulls out the money and counts it

    “You’re not going to believe this but I’ve just found $1900 dollars up your butt”
    “Hmmm”says the patient “I guess that’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand”
    _________________

    Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
    _____________

    Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
    A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
    ______________

    Two men walk into a bar.
    The first man asks for H2O.
    The second man says, “I’ll have some H2O too.”
    The second man dies.
    _____________

    Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
    A: The grass tickles their balls
    _____________

    Aight den. I’m goin’ back ta bed now.

  2. CW says:

    Well done, Kathy! Since you were kind enough to assist Hardnox in his hour of need this one is dedicated to you:

    _________________

    25 Words That Have A Totally Different Meaning In Texas (It’s like a different country.)

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/javiermoreno/words-that-have-a-totally-different-meaning-in-texas#.iwBradAQO0

    1. “Summer”
    What it means everywhere else: A time for vacation, road trips, and fun in the sun.
    What in means in Texas: Hell on Earth where the temperatures rarely dip below 100 degrees.

    2. “Winter”
    What it means everywhere else: The colder months of the year.
    What it means in Texas: The few short weeks when 40- to 50-degree temperatures send the locals into a deep freeze.

    3. “W”
    What it means everywhere else: The 23rd letter in the alphabet.
    What it means in Texas: The homebred 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush.

    4. “Rain”
    What it means everywhere else: Periodic precipitation that varies in intensity.
    What it means in Texas: The five times a year the storm of the century rolls through and floods everything.

    5. “Packing”
    What it means everywhere else: Putting stuff away in preparation of a move.
    What it means in Texas: How much firepower you’re carrying.

    6. “Tea”
    What it means everywhere else: A flavored soothing drink usually served warm.
    What it means in Texas: A cold homemade refreshment that is equal parts sugar, liquid, and deliciousness.

    7. “Dove”
    What it means everywhere else: A common bird that symbolizes peace.
    What it means in Texas: Prime game for hunting. “If it flies, it dies!”

    8. “George Strait”
    What it means everywhere else: A notable country singer.
    What it means in Texas: One of the greatest musicians of our time.

    9. “Loop”
    What it means everywhere else: An efficient means to navigate busy highways.
    What it means in Texas: A stop-and-go, soul-sucking death trap that you try to avoid at all costs.

    10. “Personal Vehicle”
    What it means everywhere else: A wheeled means of transportation.
    What it means in Texas: Using whatever means necessary to go somewhere.

    11. “Football”
    What it means everywhere else: A popular American team sport.
    What it means in Texas: Religion.

    12. “Cowboy Boots”
    What it means everywhere else: A quirky fashion accessory.
    What it means in Texas: A common staple of Texan attire.

    13. “Weatherman”
    What it means everywhere else: A newscaster who accurately predicts the weather.
    What it means in Texas: Someone who is not to be trusted.

    14. “Austin”
    What it means everywhere else: The capital of Texas.
    What it means in Texas: A completely different planet.

    15. “Mexican Food”
    What it means everywhere else: Cuisine from the interior of Mexico.
    What it means in Texas: Fajitas, chips and queso, enchiladas, and all things Tex-Mex.

    16. “Kicker”
    What it means everywhere else: The player that kicks goals in football or soccer.
    What it means in Texas: The ideal music to two-step to.

    17. “Truck”
    What it means everywhere else: A machine used for hauling heavy loads.
    What it means in Texas: Every other vehicle on the road.

    18. “Oil”
    What it means everywhere else: A common source of energy.
    What it means in Texas: Black gold, and good work if you can get it.

    19. “Fast Food”
    What it means everywhere else: Fast, affordable eats.
    What it means in Texas: Whataburger and nothing else.

    20. “BBQ”
    What it means everywhere else: Backyard grilling with friends and family.
    What it means in Texas: The 10 hours it takes you to properly smoke a brisket.

    21. “Wildlife”
    What it means everywhere else: Squirrels and deer.
    What it means in Texas: Armadillos, hogs, gators, raccoons, and everything in between.

    22. “Oven”
    What it means everywhere else: A kitchen appliance used for baking.
    What it means in Texas: The inside of everyone’s vehicle during summer.

    23. “Coke”
    What it means everywhere else: An abbreviation of Coca-Cola.
    What it means in Texas: Any carbonated drink with sugar.

    24. “Snow”
    What it means everywhere else: White powder falling from the sky during winter.
    What it means in Texas: When an inch of ice forms on the ground once or twice a year and the entire state literally has to shut down.

    25. “Lone Star State”
    What it means everywhere else: A place full of rodeos, boots, horses, and cowboys.
    What it means in Texas: Home, and the only place that matters.

  3. WTXGunRunner says:

    Well done, K! Nice fill in for Nox. Here’s a few for you all. Hope everyone had a great New Years Eve and here’s wishing all a Super 2015

    ~~~***~~~
    Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
    Soldier: Sure, buddy.
    Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

    Soldier: No, SIR!
    ~~~***~~~
    Memo No. 1:
    Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

    Memo No. 2:
    Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

    Memo No. 3:
    Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

    Memo No. 4:
    A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

    Memo No. 5:
    As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, the Committee On Committee’s has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

    Memo No. 6:
    The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards” has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

    Memo No. 7:
    Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
    ~~~***~~~

    A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”
    The man replies, “All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”
    “Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient.

    To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
    ~~~***~~~

    Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!

    10. Read less.
    9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
    8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
    7. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
    6. Procrastinate more.
    5. Drink. Drink some more.
    4. Start being superstitious.
    3. Spend more time at work.
    2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
    And, last but not least…

    1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

    Enjoy your weekend!!

  4. Grouchy says:

    What a day~! The first Friday of the New Year, and if today is any indication, it’s going to be some Wild and Wooly “Funny Fridays – 2015” ~!

    SHOW ‘EM YOUR CROSS, SISTER

    Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy
    drunks pull up alongside of them. “Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody
    penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

    The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, “I don’t think they know who we are.
    Show them your cross.”

    So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, “Screw off ye little fookin’ wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!”

    Sister Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, “Was that cross enough?!”

    Got to love the Irish !

  5. Clyde says:

    All good shit. My New Year’s resolution ? To quit making stupid assed resolutions that I NEVER keep.

  6. Kathy says:

    Great stuff guys, as always. Thanks for playing. 🙂