Funny Friday – December 26, 2014

 

—oo—

A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher,
who was always yelling at him “You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!!!”

One day Hameed’s mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school and even moved to another town.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform…… Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful……

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!

…don’t tell me you thought that Hameed became a frigging doctor !?!

—oo—

—oo—

For those who aren’t aware, last year Washington State passed two landmark laws: “Gay marriage” and the “Legalization of marijuana.”

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says: “If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned.”  We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly

—oo—

—oo—

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”

The bride-to-be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.”

“WELL!,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness,

“I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”

“What about your third husband?”

“That one was a DEMOCRAT”, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”

—oo—

getting death threats

—oo—

—oo—

(hat-tip Gil, Hershey , vonMesser, Garnet92, Kathy, Buck)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Funny Friday – December 26, 2014

  1. Kathy says:

    Good stuff Hrdnox! LOL
    ~~~
    A little history to let you know how the tradition of putting an angel on top of the Christmas tree started…

    When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

    In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

    The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

    Not a lot of people know this. 🙂

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Ho Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today. I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.”
    The boss says, “You know something, Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
    Two hours later, Ho Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ………………You got nice house!”

    ~~~

    A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, “I’ll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.” The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

    He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can’t possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

    ~~~

    A blonde puts a book on the librarian’s desk and says,
    “This book has no story and way too many characters.”
    The librarian says, “So that’s where the phone book went.”

    ~~~

    A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:

    Woman: I lost my husband
    Inspector: What is his height
    Woman: I never noticed
    Inspector: Slim or healthy
    Woman: Not slim
    Inspector: Color of eyes
    Woman: Never noticed
    Inspector: Color of hair
    Woman: Should be black
    Inspector: What was he wearing
    Woman: I don’t remember exactly
    Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
    Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
    The woman started crying

    Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!

    ~~~

    Hope everyone’s Christmas was great! Happy New Year to you all. I hope your 2015 is a good one! Be safe out there!

  3. CW says:

    I could watch those funny dog videos all day!

    _____________________________________

    A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!” But the passer-by says, “You are mistaken, I am Mexican”.

    The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!” The person says “I no American, I Vietnamese.”

    The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says “Thank you for the wonderful America!” That person puts up his hand and says “I am from Middle East, I am not an American!”

    He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, “Are you an American?” She says, “No, I am from Russia!”

    So he is puzzled, and asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”

    The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says…

    “Probably at work!”

  4. vonmesser says:

    A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

    One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

    The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type… and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

    The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”

    The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

    The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”

    The Admiral threw him out also.

    The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

    “Do you notice anything different about me?”

    To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

    The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.

    The Sergeant Major replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one freakin’ ear.”

  5. Clyde says:

    All good stuff. Especially the Southwest Flight Attendant. Dog stuff is always good too. Got one just like Cooper. OK, here’s mine. The old folks were sitting around the lunch table, there was one particularly sour old gent, two old ladies were sitting across from him, the one says to the other, ” I know what to do to get him to say something”. So, she toddles up to the old codger, and flings open her gown, and shouts “SOOOPERPUSSY”. The old fart looks up and says ” I’ll have the soup”.