Funny Friday – December 12, 2014

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Navy Base.

A ragged old Marine Gunnery Sgt. was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.

A curious young Navy fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

‘Fishing,’ the old guy simply said.

‘Poor old fool,’ the Navy officer thought and he invited the ragged old Marine into the pub for a drink.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the smart-ass fighter pilot asked, “And how many have you caught?’

‘You’re the eighth,’ the old Marine Gunny answered.

—oo—

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I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was  guest preacher at a black Dallas Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me – I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.”

I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my damn car had been stolen!

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Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase “You Gotta Be Shittin Me?”  Well, it just so happens to have originated through the father of our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington ‘s boat.  It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.  Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.  Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.  All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Some time later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.  He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’  They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.  What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.  The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman…  A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men.  We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place.  We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?’

Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.’

And the Madam said, ‘You gotta be shittin me.’

—oo—

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Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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6 Responses to Funny Friday – December 12, 2014

  1. Kathy says:

    A drunk gets into an elevator with a man and his wife. A few seconds later, the man sniffs the air, and said to the drunk, ” Excuse me, did you fart in front of my wife?”

    The drunk looks up and says, “Sorry I didn’t know it was her turn.”

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Good going!

    ~~~***~~~

    ~~~***~~~
    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
    The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
    “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

    “Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

    ~~~***~~~

    One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.
    The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.
    The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
    The old man looks at the Marine and says,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

    ~~~***~~~

    Have yourselves a Great Red Friday and a super weekend!!!!

  3. CW says:

    Those are good ones, guys (and gals)!

    —————-

    The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

    30% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”

    70% of respondents answered: “No es una problema serio. “

  4. Clyde says:

    Good stuff all.

  5. vonMesser says:

    A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

    She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs, and found the dogs locked together, unable to disengage, as happens when dogs mate.

    Perplexed as to what to do next, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

    Having explained the problem to him, the vet then said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

    I will call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

    “Do you think that will work?” she asked.

    “Just worked on me,” he replied.