Vol. 2, Number E
Barack Obama vs. Mitch McConnell:
The Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) match of the century
Our lead story: A Beltway caged match between two
gnats giants in the world of American politics.
President Obama has been getting more frustrated every time some news outlet portrays him as a wimp. He’s commonly shown riding a bicycle and wearing mom jeans and a helmet. That effeminate image is usually paired alongside pictures of a shirtless Vladimir Putin, riding a horse – an altogether more manly figure.
Finally, they crossed Obama’s “red line” (his 43rd one) and he decided that he must act. He was tired of being mocked. So, in an attempt to burnish his image as a tough guy, he challenged the Minority Leader of the Senate, Mitch McConnell, to a one round MMA-style match.
That would show the world that, like Vladimir, he too was a manly force to be reckoned with. Obama felt confident that he could best the aging, wimpy Minority Leader.
The match would be held at Camp David, in private (just in case he lost). He’d allow one pool reporter (Sal Minella from Pesky Truth) to cover the match.
If Obama won, he’d have stills of the match distributed throughout every media outlet across the globe – just to prove what a he-man he could be. Even though Obama was a long way from being a manly brute, Mitch McConnell (who looks more like the Pillsbury dough boy) is an even less menacing figure.
Obama could see it now … a triumphant Barack Obama standing over a defeated, flabby, old Republican carcass – what an image! Yes, he can!
What a contrast; a skinny, big-eared, coffee colored metrosexual vs. a flabby, much-too-pale, out-of-shape, old guy.
The music begins, followed by sparkling fireworks arcing upwards and exploding. All of the glitter and flash of a real championship match is on display. Obama wants to build some excitement among his fans and supporters. He waves to the small gathering of those who are privy to the spectacle that is the political “Match of the Century.”
Now approaching the Octagon, both men are accompanied by their “seconds.” Joe Biden is serving as Obama’s second banana, while Lindsey Graham is bringing up McConnell’s rear.
It should be noted that the rules specifically state that the president can ignore any rule that he disagrees with. It’s called an OREO, (Obama Real-time Executive Order).
Obama removes his rainbow cape and beads with a flourish and invites (even encourages) the Referee to inspect his orifices for contraband.
BONG! – the fight begins.
McConnell and Obama circle slowly around the Octagon, occasionally slapping at each other, no blows landing. Each is intending to feel the other
up out before attacking.
In most martial arts and boxing, you’d expect the opponents to throw jabs to get the range and see how the other guy will defend. But these “jabs” are more like slaps. The two are slapping away like pre-teen girls, pawing at each other, neither landing any blows.
McConnell finally stops and advances toward Obama. Obama, surprised by Mitch’s aggression, backs away – just in time! McConnell flips a front kick and just grazes Obama’s chin, sending up a cloud of powder. Who knew Mitch could get his leg that high? No harm done, just a little smudge of Obama’s makeup, but that was close!
Almost immediately, Obama surprises McConnell with a spinning back slap. Wow, he almost rocked McConnell’s head with that “blow.” McConnell responds by going for a takedown and Obama obliges him and goes down with little struggle (going down is natural for Obama).
McConnell mounts him and Obama relaxes (he likes being mounted), so now it’s ground and slap by McConnell. Left slap, right slap, left, right, left, right, rinse, repeat.
Obama’s getting the snot slapped out of him. Oh, the humanity! Oh, the snot!
Obama finally passes McConnell’s guard and struggles up. Once again, they slowly circle one another, each trying to look more menacing than the other. Neither guy is intimidating the other with their fake scowls and toothy snarls. The Easter Bunny looks more menacing than either of them.
Then, quickly making his move, Obama sweeps Mitch’s left leg, but as he falls, Obama catches him and lowers him gently to the mat. Now Obama mounts McConnell and holds his shoulders down. He is preparing to slap, paw and nuzzle McConnell into submission – maybe spoon him a little too.
But before Obama can land that first haymaker, he is thrown off by a vigorous pelvic thrust – disappointing Obama (he was so looking forward to staying mounted for more than a few seconds).
Now on their feet again, Obama is giggling as he grabs again for Mitch’s leg (it’s a good thing that Mitch is wearing a cup since Obama keeps grabbing at his leg, but “accidentally” hitting his junk).
The men back off a bit, each now exhibiting some respect for the other’s vicious slaps. They continue to move around the enclosure occasionally lifting a leg or pawing at the other. The Referee urges the “fighters” to get active.
Obama finally succeeds in a takedown, grabbing both Mitch’s legs and upending him. Mitch goes down (he is equally adept at going down). Obama immediately goes for side control but is stymied when McConnell blows in his ear. “Stop that,” he whines playfully, and releases his position.
While McConnell is struggling to get up, Obama gets behind him and goes for a rear naked choke (he liked anything that included the word “naked”) but his lack of strength became apparent when McConnell began reciting Dr. Suess’ “Green Eggs and Ham” even while Obama choked away with all his might (he almost turned white from exertion).
Finally Obama, completely exhausted from his unsuccessful choke, releases and falls back, spread-eagled on the canvas. Seizing on Obama’s unforced error, Mitch falls on top of Barack and mounts him, but Obama will have none of that – he slides out from under Mitch, sits up and quickly butt-scoots away, leaving McConnell trying to mount thin air.
Mitch’s muscles go into spasm as a result of his aborted mount, and he reflexively begins humping thin air, not unlike a dog without a humpee.
Obama sees his chance and, just as McConnell’s humps are waning in intensity, he executes a modified Superman punch and lands a palm upside McConnell’s lip. McConnell’s head was actually jarred backward slightly by the force of the “mighty” blow. This was one of Obama’s best strikes and the blow scored points for him. Obama was proud of his blows. Many of his friends had felt the effects of his best blows.
Fortunately, McConnell suffered no lasting damage; he just shook it off, grabbed Obama again, and executed a perfect hip toss, throwing him to the mat. Again, Mitch attempts to mount Obama for some more ground and slap. Suddenly, Obama arches his back and bucks Mitch off and tries to stand, but McConnell grabs him around his middle and hip tosses him again.
Down goes Obama again. This time, he lands flat and has the wind (some might call it hot air) knocked out of him.
McConnell jumps on top of him and rolls, wrapping his legs around Obama’s head and one of his arms, while bending his leg upwards in a triangle.
That was simply too much for Obama who was screaming in pain and yelling to the Secret Service to “shoot him, shoot him” while simultaneously slapping the mat, desperately trying to tap out.
In the end, McConnell wins by submission.
The Obamarhoids (his personal security SEIU goons) immediately confiscated all cameras and video equipment, insuring that no visual record would ever show Barack Hussein Obama bested by an old flabby white guy.
In fact, only our intrepid reporter managed to escape Camp David without being caught by the Secret Service or the Obamarhoids. Mr. Minella immediately fled to Hong Kong with his records of the match and filed this report. He is in hiding in an undisclosed location and is seeking asylum in Russia.
Obama’s problem is that he has been known as a pushover ever since he lost an exhibition match in Moscow by submission to little Ludmilla Putin, Vladimir’s 11 year-old daughter.
Hint to Barack: either grow a pair or stick to riding bikes in the park.
In other Beltway news
Harry Reid caused quite a stir when (in his capacity as umpire) he declared the democrat team the winner over their Republican opponents in the Team Tic Tax Toe game. He ruled that the Republicans didn’t show diversity in their row of “XXX,” and awarded the trophy to the dems who finished with a “properly diversified” OXO.
Hillary Clinton has decided not to seek the presidency in 2016. It’s really sad because, think about it, there goes right down the drain the Clinton dream of a being a two-impeachment family.”
Brought to you by Garnet92