Funny Friday – March 14, 2014

king zero—oo—

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

—oo—

Obama-Ukraine-240x300

—oo—

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of mother’s Milk.’

The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.  However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

—oo—

bumpersticker

—oo—

I was standing at a bar and this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?”

He says “No, why the fruck you ask me that? Is it because I Chinese?”

“No”, I said, “It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you little shit.”

—oo—

beauty

—oo—

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke’s hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied…

“Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

—oo—

pussy

 

putin-laughing

—oo—

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it different.

The last few years I took your advice about where to go.

“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

“Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

“Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

“I’m taking Earlene with me.”

—oo—

dst

—oo—

(hat-tip Gunny, Hershey, Skip, Kenny, David, Mrs AL)

Have a great Friday and a better weekend.

Be sure to add your contributions below.

~ Hardnox

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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19 Responses to Funny Friday – March 14, 2014

  1. Terry says:

    Good ones, ‘Nox. I love Fridays.

    No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

    The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: ‘Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.’

    They go home and follow the Rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

    ‘Okay,’ he says to the husband, ‘Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.’

    Once again, they follow the Rabbi’s advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.

    The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

    The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

    “See that, you schmuck? THAT’S how you wave a towel !! “

  2. Blessed B. says:

    A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

    Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims,
    ‘If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!’

    The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

    Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, ‘If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!’

    More sighs and loud applause.

    Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!’

    There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, ‘Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?’

    Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, ‘Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw him!’

    Isn’t being a Senior Citizen wonderful?

  3. Blessed B. says:

    HISTORY LESSON For those that don’t know about history, here is a condensed version:

    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast live on fish and lobster in the winter.

    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer, the invention of the wheel. Wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

    1. Liberals
    2. Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.That’s how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement….

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

    Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare..

    Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.Most social workers,personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywoodand group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

    Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals produce little. They prefer to govern the producers…. and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America .They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.

    Here ends today’s lesson in world history:

    It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

    A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

    And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self…..I’m going to have another beer

  4. Mrs AL says:

    Correction: I am listed as a contributor. That contribution was Bullright’s, I just forwarded it on.

    Gotta’ love these giggle days. We sure need ’em, eh?
    _______________________________________

    One day President Obama fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.

    Obama thanked them and said he’d give them all one thing in the whole world.

    The first boy asked for a trip to Disney Land and voilà… that summer he was in Disney Land.

    The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Shocks and sure enough the next day he was wearing a pair of Nike’s.

    The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV, cup holders and hydraulics.

    Obama, looking puzzled at the boy, asked why he wanted a tricked out wheel chair because he didn’t look disabled.

    The young boy replied, “I will be after my father finds out that I saved you”.

  5. Kathy says:

    Bwahahahahaha!! Good ones, guys!!

    ~

    “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

    The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”…

    “Yes, Father, it is.”

    “And who was the girl you were with?”

    “I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

    “Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

    “I cannot say.”

    “Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

    “I’ll never tell.”

    “Was it Nina Capelli?”

    “I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

    “Was it Cathy Piriano?”

    “My lips are sealed.”

    “Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

    “Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”

    The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

    “Four months vacation and five good leads…”

  6. BrianR says:

    Joe pulls into the bar’s parking lot planning to enjoy Happy Hour, parking next to a sparkling new Porsche, from which that driver is just emerging. As he opens his car door, Joe accidentally dings the Porsche.

    The Porsche’s owner, Mike, is simply outraged, storms over to Joe, and hurls him to the ground.

    “That’s jiu-jitsu, from Japan”, Mike snarls.

    Joe tries to get up, and Mike knees him in the face.

    “That’s Muy Thai, from Thailand”, Mike bellows.

    Joe again tries to gain his feet, and Mike slams him with a side kick to the solar plexus.

    “That’s Tae Kwon Do, from Korea”, Mike shouts.

    Seeing that Joe is pretty much done, Mike turns on his heel and storms into the bar.

    Joe slowly pulls himself together.

    A few minutes later, Joe staggers into the bar and heads directly over to Mike, and within moments Mike is a bloody mess lying on the bar floor, covered in blood and sawdust.

    “That’s a tire iron, from Sears”, Mike sighs.

    _____________________________________________________
    Hubby: “Doc, my wife’s really unhappy. She says she’s very dissatisfied with our sex life because I can’t ‘last’ long enough for her. What should I do?”

    Doc: “Well, you need to build up your stamina. Tell you what. For the next couple of weeks, run 5 miles every day, then call me back and tell me how it works out”.

    A couple of weeks later, Hubby calls the doctor.

    Hubby: “Well, doc, I took your advice and ran 5 miles every day for the last week”.

    Doc: “Great job! So… How’s your sex life now?”

    Hubby: “How the hell should I know? I’m 70 miles from home!”

    • BrianR says:

      And I manage to screw up my own joke. That last line should read:

      “‘That’s a tire iron, from Sears’, JOE sighs.”

      Which reminds me of another one!

      New guy shows up in prison. First day in the joint, it’s lunch time. The kid’s sitting next to an old lifer when he hears someone shout from the back of the cafeteria, “159!”, at which everyone in the room starts chuckling.

      A few moments later, a grizzled vet yells out, “527!”

      Again, everyone in the room starts laughing. The kid’s puzzled at what’s going on. In another few moments, another aging con stands and, while glancing slyly around the room, suddenly belts out, “273!”

      At this, everyone in the room melts into a fit of hysterical guffaws.

      Completely at a loss as to what’s going on, the kid turns to the old con next to him and asks what’s happening.

      “Look, kid”, the con replies. “Most of us have been here in the joint so long that we’ve heard all the same jokes so many times that we’ve just given them all numbers. That way, when someone wants to tell a joke, they just shout out the number, and we get to enjoy the joke in a sort of shorthand. Get it?”

      The kid thinks about this for a minute or two, then decides that it sounds to him like a shortcut to gaining acceptance in his new circumstances, so he leaps to his feet and yells out, “366!!!”

      Dead silence… No response at all.

      Crushed and embarrassed, he slumps to his seat.

      He turns to his table mate, and asks what happened. The old con pats him on the shoulder.

      “Nothing to feel bad about, kid. Some people just can’t tell a joke.”

  7. Anne says:

    HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

    1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men’s work boots.

    2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

    3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

    4. Leave a note on your door that reads ……

    Bubba,

    Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

    Cooter

  8. Buck says:

    If he ran 5 miles a day for a week how the Hell did he get 70 miles from home???

  9. WTXGunRunner says:

    These are all great! It’s the little things (like laughing your butt off) that make Fridays so super! Super job everyone

    ———————————

    A young man from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
    The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman back home.”
    The boss was unsure but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
    “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
    “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one ?!?!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you’re not in the mines anymore, son.”
    The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”
    The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65”.
    The boss, astonished, says “$101,237.65?? What the heck did you sell?”
    The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 X 4 Expedition.”
    The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?! The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot already, you should just go fishing….”

  10. Hardnox says:

    Y’all are funny. Great contributions. Humor is great medicine.