Why is Michelle always on top when the Obama’s are having sex?
Because Barack can only screw up!
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old …. I’m telling everybody!’
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Stillwater, Minnesota for $200.00. They bought the cow from Minnesota and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.”
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Minnesota?
“The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Minnesota?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
“My wife is from Minnesota …..”
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
“I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
By Southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called “mentally unstable.”
In Minnesota he would be arrested as a “Person of Interest”
Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
In Arizona , he’d be called “an avid gun collector.”
In Arkansas , he’d be called “a novice gun collector.”
In Utah , he’d be called “moderately well prepared,” but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.”
In Kansas, he’d be “A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.”
In Montana, he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘Go-To’ guy.”
In Alabama, he’d be called “a likely gubernatorial candidate.”
In Georgia, he’d be called “an eligible bachelor.”
In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, and South Carolina he would be called “a deer hunting buddy.”
And in Texas he’s just “Bubba, who’s a little short on ammo.”
The animal kingdom has a strict don’t ask, don’t tell policy… and all the other zebras laughed.
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
In a recent linguistic conference held in London and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between“COMPLETE” and “FINISHED”.
Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes
(hat-tip Mike, Skip, Saltwater, Gene, Kenny, David)
Have a great Friday. Be sure to add your contribution below.