Funny Friday – March 7, 2014

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Why is Michelle always on top when the Obama’s are having sex?

Because Barack can only screw up!

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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’

Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’

Man: ‘What sins?’

Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’

Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’

Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

Man: ‘I’m 92 years old …. I’m telling everybody!’

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The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Stillwater, Minnesota for $200.00. They bought the cow from Minnesota and the cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.  They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.  An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow in Minnesota?

“The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Minnesota?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

“My wife is from Minnesota …..”

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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”

The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

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You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called “mentally unstable.”

In Minnesota he would be arrested as a “Person of Interest”

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona , he’d be called “an avid gun collector.”

In Arkansas , he’d be called “a novice gun collector.”

In Utah , he’d be called “moderately well prepared,” but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.”

In Kansas, he’d be “A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.”

In Montana, he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘Go-To’ guy.”

In Alabama, he’d be called “a likely gubernatorial candidate.”

In Georgia, he’d be called “an eligible bachelor.”

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, and South Carolina he would be called “a deer hunting buddy.”

And in Texas he’s just “Bubba, who’s a little short on ammo.”

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 The animal kingdom has a strict don’t ask, don’t tell policy… and all the other zebras laughed.

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:  “Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”

To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

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No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

In a recent linguistic conference held in London and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between“COMPLETE” and “FINISHED”.

Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes

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(hat-tip Mike, Skip, Saltwater, Gene, Kenny, David)

Have a great Friday.  Be sure to add your contribution below.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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16 Responses to Funny Friday – March 7, 2014

  1. Kathy says:

    “I’m 92 and telling everybody!” LOL!! Great contributions you guys!!

    A chicken farmer went to a local bar…..sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
    The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

    “What a coincidence,” the farmer says, “This is a coincidence –
    I’m celebrating.”

    “This is a special day for me too, I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.

    “What a coincidence,” says the man. As they clinked glasses, the
    farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?”

    “My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and
    today my gynecologist told me that I’m pregnant!”

    “What a coincidence,” says the man. “I am a chicken farmer, and for
    years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying
    fertilized eggs.”

    “That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

    “I used a different cock,” he replied.

    The woman smiled and said, “What a coincidence….”

  2. Mrs AL says:

    My goodness, quite a collection thus far. Thanx to all 😆

    How Many Dogs Do You Need to Change a light bulb?

    Boxer

    Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

    Greyhound

    It isn’t moving. Who cares?

    Labrador Retriever

    Oh, me, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeze? Please, please, please?

    Golden Retriever

    The day is young. The sun is shining. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside the house worrying about a burned out bulb?

    Jack Russell Terrier

    I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the furniture and walls.

    Cocker Spaniel

    Why bother changing it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

    Australian Shepherd

    First, let me put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

    Rottweiler

    Try and make me.

    Chihuahua

    Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or – We don’t need no stinkin’ light bulb!

    Border Collie

    Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring I find that’s not up to code.

    Old English Sheep Dog

    What light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see any light bulb!

    German Shepherd

    I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people out of the dark, checked to make sure I haven’t missed anyone and made one last perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

    Dachshund

    You know I can’t reach that dumb lamp!

    Poodle

    Let me just blow in the border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails should be dry.

  3. CW says:

    There’s such thing as a Guyanese???

    This was another great Funny Friday, Hardnox. LOVE the ears on Obama.
    Here’s one from Reader’s Digest “Humor in Uniform,” November, 2007):

    Riding in a jet trainer for the first time was exhilarating. It was also frightening, especially when I began to think, What if we crash?

    “Excuse me,” I said to the pilot, “Is there anything I should know in case we need to eject?”

    “Yes,” he said. “If I say ‘Go’ and you say ‘What?’ you’ll be talking to yourself.”

  4. Terry says:

    All y’all got me ROTFLMAOASCAOTS !!
    If that fella with the guns lived in Florida, they’d say he was “Standing Everybody’s Ground !”

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
    tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came
    back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

    There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved.
    But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
    “Janie, do you have a story to share?”

    ‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot
    in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
    territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival
    knife.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then
    she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them
    with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the
    knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her
    bare hands.”

    ”Good Heavens” said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was
    the moral to this horrible story’?”

    “Don’t “F” with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

    I love these touching stories

  5. WTXGunRunner says:

    Fridays have been kicking my butt the past few weeks and I have miss FF. That is MY BAD! I’m late, but at least I’m here this week.

    Those were great everybody. I did LOL several times. Since I’ve been absent thought I’d give you a couple this week. Here you are –

    Wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”

    Short time later the husband walks in with 6 cartons of milk.

    Wife asks him, “Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

    He replied, “They had eggs.”

    – – – – – – – –

    and,

    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

    “Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!” The pastor fainted.

    – – – – – – –

    Have a wonderful weekend all!

    • Hardnox says:

      LMAO!!! Those were good.

      Good to see you visit again…. BUT… you don’t have 5 minutes for your pals at N&F? WTF!

      • WTXGunRunner says:

        Well of course I do! Some Fridays are ‘brain fryers’! lmao By the time I ‘unwind’, that’s EXACTLY what I do! I will attempt to “DO BETTER” !!

  6. Anne says:

    Just heard this groaner…

    Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

    Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.