Funny Friday – Feb. 28, 2014

jellyfish

—oo—

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

“I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again”.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

“Damn auto correct… I meant “wifi”, not “wife”.

—oo—

math

—oo—

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from London , says, ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’

The second, from Birmingham, responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.’

The third surgeon, from Newcastle , says, ‘No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’

The fourth surgeon, from Manchester chimes in: ‘You know, I like construction workers…Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.’

But the fifth surgeon, from Liverpool, shut them all up when he observed: ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’

—oo—

hillary

—oo—

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
“Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The old man didn’t budge.

The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’ll have to call the manager.”

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy what’s your name?”

“Fred,” the old man moaned.

“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied . . .

. . . “The balcony.”

—oo—

pic

—oo—

Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there” said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

“Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

“No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?

—oo—

marriage

—oo—

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function a…and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”

—oo—

vet

—oo—

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply bandages to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat’s throat to wash down pill.

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the ER, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

10. Arrange for SPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

—oo—

 fb2

—oo—

(hat-tip Rose Ann, Skip, Gil, Wendy, Dennis, Blessed Be)

Have  a great Friday.  Feel free to add your contributions below.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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21 Responses to Funny Friday – Feb. 28, 2014

  1. All too funny! Have to pass these on. Thanks for the chuckles!

  2. Mrs AL says:

    Hardnox, I gotta’ say that pic with the kid getting “eaten” by the camel is hysterical.
    Great group today.

    George Carlin:

    I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

    Cat’s thought: I sure could do with a nice rat

    You know what you rarely see? A ninety-three-year-old guy workin’ on his resume.

    When people say “clean as a whistle,” they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

    Not much to do department: Someone has actually gone to the trouble of determining that Columbus, OH has the best-dressed police force

    Have you ever noticed the escalator handrail and the thing you’re standing on don’t move at the same speed?

    I really don’t care if we have a nuclear war as long as I can get some French fries.

  3. garnet92 says:

    The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

    After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    “We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”

    The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

    The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

    The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

    “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said.

    “I had to kill him with the chair.”

  4. Kathy says:

    Good ones, guys!! This isn’t really a joke, but it is funny and fun to do. Click on the link for the screen saver of the year. If he gets stuck use your mouse to drag him around. I find it quite therapeutic, lol.

    http://media.y8.com/system/contents/13365/original/Falling_Obama.swf

  5. Saltwater says:

    Just past another birthday this week, and now that I’m old(er), here’s what I’ve discovered:
    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
    2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
    3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
    4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
    5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
    6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
    7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
    8. Some days, you’re the top dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
    9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
    12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
    13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
    15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
    16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter………..
    I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
    19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded..

  6. Blessed B. says:

    You Might Be Canadian ………

    If you know the chorus of “The Log Driver’s Waltz” and are particularly fond of the ‘burling down and down’ bit.

    If you die a little inside if you can’t get your Tim’s double-double every morning

    If someone accidentally stepped on your foot. You apologize… You stepped on someone’s foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize.

    If you know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer.

    If you know the ingredients for poutine.

    If you measure distance in time traveled not mileage.

    If you have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

    If you’ve ever had your tongue frozen to something.

    If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May you may live in Canada.

    If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Canada.

    If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada

    If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada

    If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada

    If you have switched from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada

    If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada

    If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada

    If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada

    If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada

    If the speed limit on the highway is 80km — you’re going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada

    If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada

    If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada

    If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.

    If you find 2 degrees “balmy”, you may live in Canada

    • Hardnox says:

      LMAO!!! 🙂

      You Canucks are funny.

      It appears the only things Canadians and Virginians have in common is the milage thing, deer strikes, and help at Home Depot.

      • Blessed B. says:

        LOL! This one… If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada…

        This is so true! I have had to do this myself for the kiddos and I remember wearing layers of clothing underneath my costumes at Halloween when I was a kid. Never could be that pretty Cinderella princess…always was the bloated step-sister!

        The one about …If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May you may live in Canada…. there is only one I know of know that does this and that one is in Manitoba. The rest are open all year around and Canadians will eat ice cream even when it’s bitter cold outside! Best time to eat one actually as you don’t need to worry about it melting! LOL!

        The way I figure it, at least we have some things in common! 🙂

  7. Blessed B. says:

    BTW…for you folks that don’t know the Log Driver’s Waltz…

    http://youtu.be/NfhAbHmmzo0

  8. garnet92 says:

    Thanks Blessed B., I can cross off another item from my bucket list!

  9. Blessed B. says:

    Have you ever wondered why it’s OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope,
    Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the
    French (including French Canadians), etc., etc., but its insensitive to make
    jokes about Muslims?

    We need to level the playing field for the sake of political
    correctness…..

    Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

    1. If you refine heroin for a living,
    but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.

    2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
    can’t afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

    3. If you have more wives than teeth,
    You may be a Muslim.

    4. If you wipe your ass with your bare hand but consider bacon to be
    unclean, You may be a Muslim.

    5. If you think vests come in two styles:
    Bullet-proof and suicide.
    You may be a Muslim

    6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against,
    You may be a Muslim.

    7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in
    your clothing, You may be a Muslim.

    8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
    setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

    9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim.

    10. If you find this offensive and don’t forward it,
    You may be a Muslim.

  10. Buck says:

    Giving the cat a pill was priceless.
    Except…(yeah, one of those)
    10. Call local game warden to come get suspicious cat and have his brain checked for rabies.