Funny Friday – Feb. 21, 2014

friday

—oo—

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as my mom comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog, because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!

—oo—

muzzie1—oo—

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

“Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?” she asked.

Yeah,” he replied, “But be fair, you were only eleven at the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

—oo—

Meanwhile in Sochi…

Sochi2014

—oo—

Government surveyors came to Ole’s farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.

The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, “Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter.”

Ole replied, “What’s the bad news?”

The surveyors stated, “Well, after our work here, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!”

Ole looked at Lea and said, “That’s the best news I have heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”

—oo—

 zero1

—oo—

A man dies. He was miserable his whole life and mistreated his wife, who despised him, for their entire marriage.

The wife goes down to the local paper to place the obituary. When asked what she would like them to print, she says, “Joe died.”

The clerk, somewhat perplexed responds, “Is that all? Why you haven’t even used up the five free words included in the basic cost of printing the obituary.”

She looks at the clerk, thinks for a few moments and says “Joe died, Chevy for sale.”

—oo—

 parents

—oo—

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride .

With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car. Resuming the journey, Fred tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.

“What in bag?” asked the old man.

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

“Good trade . . …”

 —oo—

getmom

—oo—

Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender… It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

“It’s my five year old son…” the man replied

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? My lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

“I only wish it was that,” continued Bob, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!”gasped the bartender.

“It’s not,” said Bob.

“The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

 —oo—

fraud

—oo—

An older gentleman had an appointment to see his urologist, who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist shouted,”YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice yelled, ‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’

—oo—

costos

—oo—

(hat-tip to Rose Ann, Grouchy, Mrs AL, Skip, Gil, Blessed Bee, J.P., Kathy)

 Have a great Friday and a better weekend.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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28 Responses to Funny Friday – Feb. 21, 2014

  1. Mrs AL says:

    Another great array of humor, Hardnox. I am going to try one here …

    Courtroom humor (actual transcript)

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

  2. Terry says:

    Funny stuff this week y’all !

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
    The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
    That’s how the fight started…..
    _______________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
    ‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
    ‘Is that your final answer?’
    She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
    So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
    And that’s when the fight started…
    ________________________________
    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
    He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
    “Nah, she can order for herself.”
    And that’s when the fight started…..
    _______________________________
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, “Do you know him?”
    “Yes”, she sighed,
    “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
    hasn’t been sober since.”
    “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?”
    And then the fight started…
    _______________________________
    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting
    to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
    something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
    making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
    thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
    grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
    scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
    the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
    I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the
    grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    ______________________________
    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, “What’s on TV?”
    I said, “Dust.”
    And then the fight started…
    ________________________________
    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
    would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
    And that’s how the fight started…
    _______________________________
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 inabout 3 seconds.”
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started……
    ______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
    for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to
    verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
    home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
    to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
    me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
    the Social Security office.
    She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’
    And then the fight started…
    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
    to pay me a compliment.’

    I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
    And then the fight started……..
    ________________________________

    I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
    He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
    So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
    That’s how the fight started.

  3. CW says:

    I am in awe of your talent for finding new and FUNNY material every week, Hardnox! Love the pic of Obama ice dancing with Putin!

    The photo of the boy hanging on the drawer really hit home with me because my son did the exact same thing when he was about two years old. He was playing in his room and suddenly started hollering like a wild animal and when I arrived he was hanging upside down by a knob on the dresser drawer. Seems he was trying to climb to the top. Silly me though – I never thought to take a picture.

    • Hardnox says:

      Thanks CW. I try my best. Humor is a great antidote to for us political junkies. In addition to what I find, truth is that I do get some help from those that send me some great material to choose from every week.

      Hat-tip to Kathy for sending in that pic. It cracked me up too. My brother had that same thing happen to him when he was about 2 or 3. I laughed so hard I left the room to get mom all the while he was screaming. When mom arrived we all had a good laugh.

    • Mrs AL says:

      [snark alert] But, CW, their heads are on the bodies of real Americans!

  4. Kathy says:

    You guys are cracking me up this morning! Way to go, Mrs. AL for jumping in.

    “Always Ask”

    His assignment request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

    He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

    Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

    He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’.

    The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

    Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make
    low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

    ‘Why?’ asked the pilot.

    ‘Because I’m a photographer for CNN’ he responded, ‘and I need to get some close up shots.’

    The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?’

  5. Mrs AL says:

    My goodness what an array of funnies! Y’all are making a dreary day much brighter. Thanx to all … will be looking for more.

  6. What a collection, this week~! Oh, M’Gawrsh~!

    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

    A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

    Continuing the judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

    The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out again, “You rotten bastard!”

    The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

    Paddy stands up and says, “I’m sorry, your honor, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one”.

    * * * * *

    How to get to Heaven from Ireland

    A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

    I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

    “NO!” the children answered.

    “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?” Again, the answer was NO!

    “If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?” Again, they all answered NO!

    I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

    A little boy shouted out, “YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.”

    It’s a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?

    * * * * *
    Have a Grandiferously Wondorious Week-end, Folks~!

  7. Hysterical – all of them! Good job, folks. I’m still wiping away the “dust” in me eyes…lmao!

  8. Clyde says:

    Good shit, all.

  9. Blessed B. says:

    UPDATE!!!

    Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?

    Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?

    And when KFC offered a “Hillary” meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?

    Now KFC is offering the “Obama Cabinet Bucket.” It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken sh!t.

    Just keeping you up to date…