Funny Friday – Feb. 14, 2014

 

—oo—

Early one morning, an elderly retired fighter pilot yelled to his wife…

“Honey!  Come see what I created!  It’s an abstract panorama depicting the five years of the Obama presidency!”

She yelled back, “Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast.” 

—oo—

—oo—

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.

As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“I am entering” said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya do?

” First Place ,” said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”

“I’m entering,” says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”

” First Place ,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”

They continue walking when they see a sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”

Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. 

“What happened?” they asked.

“Who the heck is Obama?” asked Pinocchio.

—oo—

—oo—

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of Tennessee and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

“Anybody home?” she asked.

“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.

“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.

“Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in,” said the kid.

“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.

“Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here,” said the kid.

“But,” protested the social worker, “are you never together as a family?”

“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door. “This is the outhouse!”

– Government workers are so very smart. Aren’t you overjoyed that they’ll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical needs?

—oo—

 

—oo—

Two guys in their mid-twenties where sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man you look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don’t know what to do.”

A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says …..

“Marry her. That’ll put a stop to it!”

—oo—

—oo—

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 69.

I’m so happy, because I live at number 72.

So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards, and it’s the same side of the street. I don’t even have to cross the road!

—oo—

bluebird

—oo—

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas of course.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ‘Stow High In Transit’ on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ‘ S.H.I.T ‘, ( Stow High In Transit ) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. 

I had always thought it was a golf term.

—oo—

(hat-tip to Gil, Skip, Buck, Bob, Kathy)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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32 Responses to Funny Friday – Feb. 14, 2014

  1. Terry says:

    Once again, you leave me WSOMS !
    As for S.H.I.T……..isn’t that also known as the ‘Poop Deck’ ?

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless guy.

    And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothing like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

    Apparently I’m still lost….it’s a man thing.

  2. CW says:

    Do I detect a bit of Valentine’s Day cynicism? 🙂

    Once again I may be passing on old news but one of my favorite conservative radio hosts, Mike Rosen out of Denver (Grouchy probably knows him!), always reads this at Christmas time and I think it’s especially timely right now. It’s called “Diary of a Mad Snow Shoveler:”

    http://baetzler.de/humor/snow_shoveler.html

    • CW says:

      Dang it! Nevermind!

      Diary of a Mad Snow Shoveler
      December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

      December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea we’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

      December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

      December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn’t huff and puff so.

      December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

      December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

      December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

      December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

      December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh** fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the a**hole is lying.

      December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

      December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, ‘I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls.I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

      December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the f***ing slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch” It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

      December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

      December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

      December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B***CH is driving me crazy!!!!!

      December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

      December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

      December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

      January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

    • Kathy says:

      I love that one, CW, you did good. 😉

    • Hardnox says:

      Just a tad… Valentine’s used to be a card, chocolates, and some flowers. Now it’s a car, diamond ring, or Caribbean vacation.

      I never fell for it, and my sweetie loves me. 🙂

  3. Kathy says:

    LOL! Good ones!!

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

    She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

    “Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.

    “We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

    “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil. The entire congregation held its breath.

    “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

    • CW says:

      Hahahahaha!

      True story: I worked as a waitress in college. One day an older couple came in for lunch. They spent a long time reading over the menu and when I went to take their order the old man pointed to the quiche and said to me, “I’d like a quickie, please.” I inwardly chuckled as I wrote down his order but his wife was clearly embarrassed and she said to him in an irritated tone: “It’s not pronounced ‘quickie!'” Then she said, “It’s kirsch!”

    • Hardnox says:

      LMAO Kathy… I had my legs crossed for a while. 🙂

  4. Mrs AL says:

    Y’all are on today. From the post on down … I am giggling.

  5. WTXGunRunner says:

    Once again, great job everyone! Jamaica, indeed!! I’m in!

    A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

    The cowgirl replies, “Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.”

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

    Finally after 6 months of this, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
    The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in her eyes and she laughs.
    “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine;” she explains, “It’s just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
    “Hasn’t affected my sisters though.”

    Have a super week-end !!

  6. Blessed B. says:

    THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

    My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you has screwed up my life.

    I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That’s why I always wake up screaming.

    Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you are not.

    Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
    But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

    I thought that I could love no other,
    That is, until I met your brother.

    Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head.

    I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

    I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
    Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

    My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?

    My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

    What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

    WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

  7. Blessed B. says:

    An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

    …………………………………………………………………

    A teddy bear is working on a building site.
    He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
    The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

    ……………………………………………………………

    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London …
    Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

    ………………………………………………………………………..

    Okay…you can all give a collective groan now….:)