Funny Friday – Feb. 7, 2014

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a “more humane” solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. (This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.)

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand our problem here.  These coyotes ain’t screwing our sheep; they’re eatin’ ’em!”

The meeting never really got back to order.

—oo—

Ghetto Rear Window Sticker

ghetto decal

—oo—

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

“May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”

She hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

‘Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.”

She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I support Obama.”

“O.K.” says the voice on the radio….

“Repeat after me: Our Father who art in Heaven. . . ”

—oo—

McDonald’s in San Francisco

McDonalds

—oo—

Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing, Communist who isn’t even an American. So, I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

—oo—

accounting

—oo—

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’

The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

—oo—

junk

—oo—

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife

But… After several weeks, my penis had grown four inches.

I became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.  So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?” my wife asked anxiously.

“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.

“Well,” Said the wife coldly, “you’re gonna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?

—oo—

Don’t forget, St. Valentine”s Day is next Friday

Barrett

—oo—

“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee,” replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”

“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.”

“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home.”

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.

He said he would put a new one on immediately.

“Also,” said the Amish woman, “the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”

—oo—

horn

—oo—

Ted Nugent; rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist who also happens to be an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, “What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, ‘Are you my friend?’ or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?'”

Nugent replied, “Deer aren’t capable of that kind of anthropomorphic thinking. All they care about is what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.”

—oo—

(hat-tip Buck, Skip, Hershey, Kathy, Kenny, Blessed B, Wendy, Gil)

Feel free to add your own below.

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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22 Responses to Funny Friday – Feb. 7, 2014

  1. Kathy says:

    Gotta love Funny Friday!!

    The husband says: I’m the MAN of the house now, so starting tomorrow, I want you to have a hot delicious meal ready for me the second I walk through the door.

    Afterward while watching ESPN and relaxing in my chair, you’ll bring me my slippers and then run my bath. And when I’m done with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?

    The wife sighs and says, …”The funeral director.”

  2. vonmesser says:

    I thought this was for jokes. The Ted Nugent one is actually true. He made the statement in an interview in 2006 with British Journalist Robert Chalmers for “The Independent on Sunday” . However, he said “French” instead of “Democrats in Congress”.

  3. Saltwater says:

    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, ages 5 and 3.
    The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
    Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson…
    “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'”
    The 5 year-old thought about this for a second & then turned to his younger brother and said, “You can be Jesus today!”

  4. Mrs AL says:

    Great post and the giggles continue … I would post a joke but it/they would be lame by comparison 😀

  5. Buck says:

    Vonmesser is right. I remember it.

  6. BrianR says:

    The drill sergeant learns that recruit Jones’s mother has died. He calls the platoon to formation, and yells out, “Private Jones, your mother is dead! Platoon dismissed!”

    Jones is, of course, completely crushed by the news.

    The company commander, who had witnessed the entire event, pulled the sergeant aside.

    “Sergeant… Jesus Christ! Have some sensitivity! You don’t just call the men into formation, and yell out that one of the men’s mom has died, for Pete’s sake. Learn to be more discrete.”

    “Yes, sir!”, the sergeant replies, snapping off a crisp salute.

    A couple of weeks later, when he learns that Smith’s mother has died, he again calls the platoon into formation. Striding to his place in front of the assembled men, he pivots to face them, and bellows out,

    “All you men with mothers, take one step forward. Smith, stand fast!”

  7. I.R. Wayright says:

    Upon entering Vietnam, soldiers were to have a week of “In Country Training” to familiarize them with their new surroundings and make them aware of unique dangers. We were told that there are around 100 different kinds of snakes in the Mekong Delta area and we were relieved to hear the instructor tell us that only two of them were deadly poisonous.
    Until he told us the other 98 swallow you whole.

  8. garnet92 says:

    Meet Marvin, Men’s answer to Maxine ………

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.
    ———————————————————
    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
    ———————————————————
    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
    ———————————————————
    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’
    ———————————————————
    How do you fix a woman’s watch?
    You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
    ———————————————————
    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
    — ——————————————————
    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
    It’s called a Wedding Cake.
    ——————————————————–
    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.
    ———————————————————
    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

  9. Clyde says:

    All good stuff. A Clyde True Trucking Tale. A bunch of us were standing outside the office door one summer morning, waiting for the dispatch office to open. One of the big, rough ,tough burly truck drivers had his dog with him. The dog, as they are wont to do, was licking his “stuff”. Another big, burly, rough, tough truck driver says, “I wish I could do that”. I piped up and said “you might want to make friends with him first”.

  10. western guy says:

    “…And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”…that there’s funny!

  11. FDR Jr. AKA Barry Soetoro

    Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “pick up
    your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
    Promised Land”.
    ——–
    Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your
    asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land”.

    Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
    camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land.
    ——–
    I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy,
    the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. . . .
    I called Lifeline, the suicide help line.
    Got a call center in Pakistani I told them I was suicidal.
    They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck…

  12. WTXGunRunner says:

    I am at a loss for words (and breathing air!) after these. Really good ones, all. As is always the case, I LOVE FRIDAYs!! Thanks to everyone.

    The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat, and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

    As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

    As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

    As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the hell was that guy?”. “Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

    “Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he don’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one..?”

  13. Blessed B. says:

    I love Fridays!

    The largest condom factory in the States burned down.
    President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

    “Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an
    emergency! I’ve just received word that the Durex factory in
    Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the
    entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week.”

    Obama: “Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with
    all those unwanted babies. We’ll be ruined. We’ll have to
    ship some in from Mexico …..”

    Telephone voice says, “Bad idea… The Mexicans will have a
    field day with this one. We’ll be a laughing stock. What about the UK”?

    Obama: “Okay, I’ll call Cameron and tell him we need five million
    condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they’ll
    continue to respect us as Americans.”

    Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the
    first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of
    condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested…
    All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

    MADE IN ENGLAND – SIZE: SMALL

  14. Blessed B. says:

    How to get to Heaven from Ireland

    A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

    I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

    “NO!” the children answered.

    “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?” Again, the answer was NO!

    “If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?” Again, they all answered NO!

    I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

    A little boy shouted out, “YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.”

    It’s a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?

  15. Blessed B. says:

    Troublesome Five Year Old…

    Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
    “What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender…

    It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”
    “It’s my five year old son…” the man replied

    “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school?

    My lad’s just the same – forget about it;

    it happens to boys that age,”

    said the bartender, sympathetically.

    “ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer,

    “ but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our

    gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

    “Get away, that’s impossible!”

    gasped the bartender.

    “It’s not,” said the man.

    “The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

  16. Blessed B. says:

    9 months later!!!

    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.

    After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    ‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’

    ‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’

    ‘Yes, I do.’ Said Bob.

    ‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’

    ‘Well, um, yes!,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’

    ‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’

    Bob’s face turned beet red and he said,

    ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’

    ‘Why do you ask?’

    ‘She just died and left me everything.’

    (And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?…

    You know you smiled…

    now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)