The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a “more humane” solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. (This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.)
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain’t screwing our sheep; they’re eatin’ ’em!”
The meeting never really got back to order.
Ghetto Rear Window Sticker
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
“May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”
She hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
‘Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.”
She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I support Obama.”
“O.K.” says the voice on the radio….
“Repeat after me: Our Father who art in Heaven. . . ”
McDonald’s in San Francisco
Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing, Communist who isn’t even an American. So, I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.
The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’
The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’
‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.
When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife
But… After several weeks, my penis had grown four inches.
I became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, though rare, my condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.
“How long will he be on crutches?” my wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.
“Well,” Said the wife coldly, “you’re gonna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?
Don’t forget, St. Valentine”s Day is next Friday
“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”
“I thank thee,” replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”
“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.”
“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home.”
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.
He said he would put a new one on immediately.
“Also,” said the Amish woman, “the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”
Ted Nugent; rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist who also happens to be an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, “What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, ‘Are you my friend?’ or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?'”
Nugent replied, “Deer aren’t capable of that kind of anthropomorphic thinking. All they care about is what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.”
(hat-tip Buck, Skip, Hershey, Kathy, Kenny, Blessed B, Wendy, Gil)
Feel free to add your own below.
Have a great Friday.