Funny Friday – Jan. 31, 2013

 

—oo—

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.  The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.  One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

As she waited for her friend, she decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

—oo—

Texashunting

Hunting season is over in Texas

—oo—

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.  Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, ‘What a beautiful baby. ‘

The mother said, ‘Why, Thank you, Johnny.

Johnny said, ‘He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?’

‘Yes’, the mother replied, ‘we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.’

‘That’s great’, said Little Johnny, “coz he’d be screwed if he needed glasses.”

—oo—

SOTU

—oo—

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua , NY .

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

“Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb.

“No, five dollars!” fired back Clinton . This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He’d run by and she’d yell, “Fifty dollars!”

And he’d yell back, “Five dollars!”

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Secretary of State.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled “See what you get for five bucks!”

—oo—

groundhog

—oo—

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas …

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”

—oo—

—oo—

(Hat-tip to Skip, Gil, Bob, Wendy)

Have  a great Friday.

Be sure to add your own below.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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28 Responses to Funny Friday – Jan. 31, 2013

  1. Mrs AL says:

    You’ll need to forgive me. I couldn’t get past the first puffer video. I will be back when I have composted myself to read the rest of your post and the giggles I know will be added by others.

  2. Kathy says:

    “Shoulda bought a hat.” OMG, LOLOL!! That’s a good one, and I loved the ‘beans’ video.

    You probably have been lying awake at night wondering just why baby diapers
    have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while
    undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.

    Well, here is the low down on the whole thing —

    When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv ’em
    Hug ’em and Pamper ’em.

    When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

  3. garnet92 says:

    An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a
    shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers
    off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little
    wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside
    his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
    cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
    happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber
    replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else
    does.

  4. garnet92 says:

    An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.

    He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

    With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon …….

    She said……………. “Hands off! They’re for the funeral.”

  5. garnet92 says:

    The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

    They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

    Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

    Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

    ‘Just how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen.

    The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’

    A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another… Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He’s got only a teeny weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

    ‘I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen..

    ‘Why?’ he asks. ‘What’s the matter?’

    ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough!’

    ‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

    ‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’

    ‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

    ‘Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

    The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’

    ‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’

    ‘It was horrible,’ he replies. ‘All I got was a headache … She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!’

  6. Redneck Hi Tech Glossary

    Reboot – What you do when yer done scratchin’ yer feet.

    Hardware – Nuts, Nails, Screws, etc.

    Server – That feller who doles out the beans.

    Spread Sheet – One way of fertilizin’ a field.

    Point and Click – What happens when yer gun misfires.

    Cell Phone – What you use to make yer one call from prison.

    3.5 inch floppy – the droppin’ of a really small cow.

    Microchip – That same droppin’ after it’s been sittin’ out in the sun fer a spell.

    Hard Drive – A truck with two flat tires, stripped gears and a burnt-out clutch.

    Cloud – That steed that Pecos Bill rides in on, with a Twister, or a Gully Washer, or a Blue Norther Blizzard.

    Going on-line – Tappin’ into the nearest overhead phone line.

    • CW says:

      Hahaha!

      True story. When I first moved to Texas I hired a painter to do some work on the inside of our house, but I had a hard time understanding his southern accent. One day he comes to me and keeps asking me what I want him to do about the piper. I had no idea what a piper was and was embarrassed to look stupid so I kind of evaded the question but he kept insisting on an answer so finally I sheepishly had to ask, “What’s a piper?” He looked at me like he couldn’t believe his ears and yelled, “You know – the piper!” And when I still looked confused he finally said real slow, “The wall piper!”

  7. Mrs AL says:

    Ya’ll are baaaaad!!!! 😀

  8. CW says:

    You had me laughing out loud, Hardnox!!! This was one of the best Funny Fridays (and that’s saying something!).

  9. Hardnox says:

    Y’all on a roll today.

    Funny stuff.

  10. WTXGunRunner says:

    Yet another Friday that I was NOT disappointed. Great ones all! Beans on the moon and sheeple, Oh Heck Yeah.

    SECRET CODE:

    After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note to the new president. So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

    370H-SSV-0773H

    This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it. They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note. Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message. Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

    After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

    George Bush chuckled and replied—” you’re holding it upside down”!