Funny Friday – Jan. 24, 2014

 

Nothing is funny….

 

 

 

 

 

…. Just kidding  

—oo—

freedom

—oo—

A young cowboy  in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. 

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot… 

Could you give me some tips?’ he asked. 

The old man said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high – tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ 

‘Sure will ‘ 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 

‘That’s terrific!’ said the cowboy. ‘Got any more tips?’ 

‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw’ 

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man. 

‘You bet it will,’ said the old-timer. 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 

‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’ 

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’ 

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 

‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..’ 

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.. 

‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.’

—oo—

50bmg

—oo—

A couple were celebrating 50 years together..

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son numberone. ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father. “The important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep,” said the father, “And cheap ones too.”

—oo—

catfight

—oo—

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of ‘a house of ill repute’ and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, ‘I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, ‘Do any of the girls have any diseases?’

Of course the Madam said ‘No’.

The boy said, ‘I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber – THAT’S the girl I want.’

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, ‘Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?’

He said, ‘Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll give her one in the car and he’ll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE’S the jerk who ran over my FROG!’

—oo—

zeromug

—oo—

It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’ ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ ‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’ ‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’ ‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a shit-load of firewood !

—oo—

newspecies

New Species Identified

—oo—

A guy walked into his crowded local bar, waving his 1911 Colt 45 with an 8 shot clip and yelled, 

“Who in here has been screwing my wife?”

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back,

“You’re gonna need more ammo!”

—oo—

Don’t you just hate it?? …you get all dressed up … you’re hot to trot!!! … Then you catch yourself in a mirror and REALIZE … you forgot the lipstick … the whole look gone to hell right there!!!!.

fugly

 

—oo—

(hat-tip J.P., Skip, Gil, Gene, Buck)

Have a great Friday.  Be sure to add your own below.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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39 Responses to Funny Friday – Jan. 24, 2014

  1. Mrs AL says:

    Good ones, except for the last pic. Won’t get that out of my head for awhile 🙂 Are we supposed to guess who contributed that one? hehe

  2. Terry says:

    I was having a good time…’til I got to the last pic. Thanks a lot !

    Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

    Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a coke.”
    “No problem,” said the Israeli. “I’ll get it for you.”

    While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”
    Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the 2nd Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it.

    The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

    “How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our peoples….. this hatred… this animosity… this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

  3. Great funnies, one and all. Especially that last pic. Would someone please help me find a sharp stick? My eyes are bleeding…..

  4. Buck says:

    “What is seen cannot be unseen.”
    Gee.
    Glad I wasn’t doing a doob when that one popped up on the screen!

  5. Gotta LOVE Funny Friday~!

    An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

    As the gentleman had a very rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so the call went out.

    Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type.

    The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

    The Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & $100,000, happy that his surgery could now go ahead.

    A couple of months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

    His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his previous kind gesture as he had anticipated.

    He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money,

    But you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street.”

    To this the Arab replied: “Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.”

    * * * * *
    Have a Wondoriously Grandiferous Week End, Everyone,,,

  6. BrianR says:

    After a fierce battle, the Indians manage to capture the Lone Ranger alive. The chief tells him that in admiration of his courage and battle skills, they’ll give him an extra day before executing him so that he can enjoy life for just a bit longer, and that they’ll grant him one wish within reason. Lone asks to speak with his horse, and the Chief grants the request.

    The Lone Ranger whispers into Silver’s ear, and Silver gallops off toward town. An hour or so later, he returns with a gorgeous blond in the saddle. She hops off the horse, and she and Lone disappear into the teepee for a night of riotous sex.

    The next morning she wanders off back toward town. The Chief and the rest of the Indians are might impressed with such courage in the face of impending doom, so the Chief grants Lone another day of reprieve. Lone asks to talk to Silver again, the Chief grants the request, and Lone again whispers into Silver’s ear.

    The horse again gallops off toward town, returning again, this time with a gorgeous brunette. And like last time, she hops off the horse and she and Lone disappear into a teepee for a night of loud, energetic sex.

    The next morning, just like yesterday, she staggers from the teepee and heads back toward town. The Chief regards the haggard Lone Ranger, and tells him that in light of his continued amazing bravery, they’ll grant him one more day of life, but that’s it.

    Lone again asks to talk to Silver, and the Chief again grants the wish.

    Lone walks over to the horse, grabs his bridle and yanks his head around, and stares him directly in the eyes, and says:

    “Dammit, Silver, listen closely! I said get POSSE!”

  7. BrianR says:

    The young brave walks over to the tribe’s shaman and asks how they pick names for young Indian babies.

    The shaman tells him, “Well, when a baby’s born, I look out the teepee door, and the first thing I see is what the baby is named for. See that young maiden over there? The day she was born, I looked out the teepee, saw the full moon rising in the sky, and named her Full Moon Rising.

    “See that young brave over there? The night he was born, I looked out the teepee and saw a huge owl swoop down and snatch up a wandering rabbit, so I named him Hunting Owl.

    “But tell me, why the sudden interest in our naming techniques, Two Dogs Screwing?”

    (Pardon my French…)

  8. Kathy says:

    Very funny stuff today!! Coulda’ used an eye bleach alert there, Hardnox! Dang!

    Kulula is an airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining.

    Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

    On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

    —o0o—

    On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
    “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

    —-o0o—

    On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

    —-o0o—

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

    —o0o–

    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

    —o0o—
    From a Kulula employee: “Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

    —o0o—
    “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

    —o0o—

    “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

    —-o0o—
    “Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

    —o0o—

    And from the pilot during his welcome message:
    “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

    —o0o-
    Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

    —o0o-

    Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

    —o0o-

    Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

    —o0o-

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline”. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
    “Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
    The little old lady said,
    “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

    —o0o-

  9. garnet92 says:

    23 ADULT TRUTHS******
    So, so true.
    • Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
    • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
    • I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
    • There is great need for a sarcasm font.
    • How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
    • Was learning cursive really necessary?
    • Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
    • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
    • I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
    • Bad decisions make good stories.
    • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
    • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
    • I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
    • I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
    • I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
    • I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
    • I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
    • I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
    • How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
    • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
    • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
    • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
    • The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
    Ladies…..Quit Laughing.
    It just gets better as you get older doesn’t it?
    I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed
    my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod (with ear piece) …….. and how was your day?
    This is what happens when old people start using technology!

  10. Clyde says:

    Some great stuff. Too bad you didn’t post an eye-bleach alert for Hillary there…..

  11. WTXGunRunner says:

    As usual, I’m late (sorry, some things can’t be helped). All of these are great! Eye bleach, INDEED! C’mon Nox, warn a bro B4 doing THAT again, please? LOL.

    JACK DANIEL’S FISHING STORY

    I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are great bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog it its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back and it went limp. I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog. Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake … with two more frogs.
    Life is good!

    See you all next Friday (or before!)