Funny Friday – Jan. 17, 2014

 

They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan.

To everyone’s surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken.

This would most certainly have a negative effect on his approval rating. He was almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, ‘Just how many is a brazilian?’

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion, either.

—oo—

boobs—oo—

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack.

The undertakers tell the US diplomats: “You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100.”

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: “Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?”

One diplomat replied: “More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. “We simply can’t take that risk”.

—oo—

beauty—oo—

We had a power outage this week and my Laptop, TV, and iPad were shut down, and it was raining so I couldn’t play golf.

So I talked to my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

—oo—

mr pelosi

—oo—

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates… As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ‘I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

St. Peter said, ‘That’s a question only God can answer.’

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, ‘God, please – I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

God simply replied ‘You are what you are.’

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ‘Well, did God straighten out your query for you?’

The zebra looked puzzled.. ‘No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are.”

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ‘Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..’

The zebra asked St. Peter, ‘How do you know that for certain?’

‘Because,’ said St. Peter, ‘If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ‘You is what you is..’

—oo—

tp

—oo—

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” He said, “screw him, give him a dollar.”

The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

—oo—

(hat-tip Skip, Hershey, Wendy, Kathy, Buck)

Have a great Friday.  be sure to add your own contributions below.

~ Hardnox

 

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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22 Responses to Funny Friday – Jan. 17, 2014

  1. Loved the Israel joke! 🙂

  2. Terry says:

    Yur killin’ me here ‘Nox ! A ‘Brazillian’ ? Bwahahahaha….

    This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla’s cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

    When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means “F**k you!” in gorilla language. The explanation didn’t make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.

    The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
    Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
    Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
    Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
    The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

  3. As usual, these were all great! Laughed my ass off at the o’bama burial and Pelosi jokes but the one that caught my eye was the toilet paper commercial.
    “Who is not buying this?” Muslims. They still use their hands……………or don’t.

    Shabbat Shalom, everyone!

  4. WTXGunRunner says:

    Muslims and Brazilians and Toilet Paper??? It MUST be Friday! lol
    Great ones e/one.

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more pain. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?

    “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

    “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

  5. Kathy says:

    Good ones, guys! ‘She seems like a nice person.’ LOL!

    This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida:

    An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!”

    The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

    She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

    She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

    He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

    Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment…make it memorable!

  6. CW says:

    I love the joke about the Brazilians!

    As usual I don’t really have one of my own; however, that Herman cartoon reminded me of another Herman I once saw where the couple was at the beach. She’s sitting on a towel with her back to him and she asks, “Did you remember my sun lotion?” Meanwhile he’s sitting behind her preparing to apply the lotion using a paint tray and giant paint roller.

  7. Oh, what a day this is turning out to be~! Good ones, Folks~!

    Guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

    I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

    I’m old, tired, and pee a lot.

    * * * * *

    The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin
    phrase, “Tuti Homini” – Blessed be Mankind.

    A women’s rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
    The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying,
    “Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini” … Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

    The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.
    The Pope said, “Sure”.

    The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,

    “Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.”

    * * * * *

    Have a good Week-end, Folks~!

  8. Clyde says:

    Good stuff. Anyone know what an eight-legged ho-de-do is? Give up ? It is 4 unemployed Obama voters walking into the welfare office saying “HO’ DE’ DO.

  9. Mrs AL says:

    Ya’ll make me laugh and I am very appreciative. However comma …

    I have one beef, Hardnox. I take the first two pics very personally 😀

    • Hardnox says:

      Sorry…. 🙁 nothing personal intended since I have no idea what you look like or how old you are.

      Please note that we are equal opportunity offenders on Fridays. 🙂