Funny Friday – Jan. 10, 2014

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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

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Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?

Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?

And when KFC offered a “Hillary” meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?

Now KFC is offering the “Obama Cabinet Bucket.”  It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.

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The First Patient Treated Through ObamaCare

Chicago’s Englewood ObamaCare Urgent Care Clinic
Dr. Pullmy Johnson, MD – Patient: Laquinta Jackson
Nurse: Tranny Lubeme, RN

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As I enjoy my twilight years, I am often struck by the inevitability that the party must end.

There will be a clear, cold morning when there isn’t any “more.”

No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat.

It seems to me that one of the important things to do before that morning comes, is to let every one of your family and friends know that you care for them by finding simple ways to let them know your heartfelt beliefs and the guiding principles of your life so they can always say, “He was my friend, and I know where he stood.” So, just in case I’m gone tomorrow, please know this …….

Clint

I voted against that incompetent, lying, flip-flopping, insincere, double-talking, radical socialist, terrorist excusing, bleeding heart, narcissistic, scientific and economic moron currently in the White House!

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’

‘Yes, I do.’ said Bob

‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’

‘Well, um, yes,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’

‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy, I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?’

‘She just died and left me everything.’

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The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA)

President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”

“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other lazy untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin, IL: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a great salary for doing so.”

This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Kathleen Sebelius, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barack Obama.

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mom

A little boy said to his mother,

“Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?”

His mother replied, “Don’t even go there, Barack!

From what I can remember about that party,

You’re lucky you don’t bark!”

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cold

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(hat-tip Kathy, Skip, Crockett, Wendy, Bob, Hershey, Buck)

Have a great Friday.  Be sure to add your own contributions below.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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30 Responses to Funny Friday – Jan. 10, 2014

  1. Kathy says:

    LOL! Good ones, ‘Nox – I love the widow joke!

    Here’s one of my old favorites…

    A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

    The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

    Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Gotta LOVE Friday!! All great ones peeps!! As usual

    George W Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell.
    While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
    The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
    Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the
    devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes
    him a check
    Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
    is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 2.5 million dollars, so she
    writes him a check.
    Finally George W Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished
    the devil informs him that the cost is $5

    When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call
    the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies,
    “Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

    In God We Trust. AMEN

  3. Mrs AL says:

    Ya’ll are cracking me up! Thanx for the island of laughter in the sea of whoha that surrounds us all. Ahhh … the joy of laughter.

  4. Goodf jokes all around. Humor is great for the soul.

  5. Buck says:

    “Momma, how come I got the biggest dick in the second grade? Is it because I’m black?”
    “No, son. It’s because you’re 20 years old.”

  6. Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Detroit, Michigan.

    She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling..

    The temperature is dropping far below zero and the northeast wind is increasing to near gale force on Lake Erie.

    Her husband has done nothing, all day but look through the kitchen window and just stares.

    She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in!


  7. MEDICAL UPDATE
    Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion! It is good to know.

    MEDICAL ALERT

    Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

    It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better..

    Just thought you’d like to know.

    * * * * *

    BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,
    FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

    Okay, I’ll be going to my room now.

  8. Kathy says:

    LOL, you guys are on a roll today – I can’t wait til Clyde gets here. 🙂

  9. HYSTERICAL!
    Almost wet my chair at the ACA vid…lmfao!

  10. Terry says:

    Those were all classics, y’all !!
    I’m late to the fun tonight, but I’ll try to come up with a goodun for next week.

  11. Buck says:

    Clyde went bowling….

  12. Clyde says:

    Been up to my ass in alligators all day. Good stuff. The computer ain’t the problem. Operator IS. Just FOR the record, I’m 30 miles west of Detruit, in lib-occupied territory, when home, that is.

  13. CW says:

    Impeachment insurance = Joe Biden.

    That’s painfully funny!