A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
‘Oh darling, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, his time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, ‘What was that for?’
‘Your horse phoned.’
Yes, this actually happened.
Yes, they dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the roof.
Yes, the driver and passengers put on Moose heads.
Then they went down the toll road Interstate, causing 16 accidents.
Yes, they went to jail…
Yes, alcohol was involved…
Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others……..
When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan, Stanley McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren’t going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.
“It’s not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it’s my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief,” McChrystal replied, and he handed Obama his resignation.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal’s resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. “I bet when I die you’ll be happy to pee on my grave.”
The General saluted. “Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I’d never stand in line again.”
Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I’ve been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and voted for Obama.”
On January 1st, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Bake Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says to the girl, “What are you doing?”
She says, “I’m going to commit suicide.” While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked … “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”
It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
While walking on a beach during one of his many vacations, Obama found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, “Master, may I grant you one wish?” Obama responded, “Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need any common woman giving me anything.”
The shocked genie said, “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.”
Obama thought a moment, then after grumbling about the impertinence of the woman said, “Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you. “
The annoyed genie said, “So be it!” and disappeared.
The next morning Obama awakened with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi
in his bed.
His “Tool” was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
(hat-tip Skip, Kenny, Hershey, Gil, Clyde, Grouchy)
Be sure to add your own below otherwise you will be unhappy the rest of the year.