Funny Friday – Jan. 3, 2014

beer

—oo—

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

‘What was that for?’ he asked.

‘That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.

‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name  of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.

‘Oh darling, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, his time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, ‘What was that for?’

‘Your horse phoned.’

—oo—

—oo—

Yes, this actually happened.
Yes, they dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the roof.
Yes, the driver and passengers put on Moose heads.
Then they went down the toll road Interstate, causing 16 accidents.
Yes, they went to jail…
Yes, alcohol was involved…

moose

–oo—

Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others……..

When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan, Stanley McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren’t going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.

“It’s not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it’s my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief,” McChrystal replied, and he handed Obama his resignation.

Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal’s resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. “I bet when I die you’ll be happy to pee on my grave.”

The General saluted. “Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I’d never stand in line again.”

—oo—

canada

—oo—

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I’ve been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and voted for Obama.”

—oo—

marines

—oo—

On January 1st, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Bake Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says to the girl, “What are you doing?”

She says, “I’m going to commit suicide.” While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked … “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

—oo—

iraq

—oo—

While walking on a beach during one of his many vacations, Obama found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, “Master, may I grant you one wish?” Obama responded, “Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need any common woman giving me anything.”

The shocked genie said, “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.”

Obama thought a moment, then after grumbling about the impertinence of the woman said, “Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you. “

The annoyed genie said, “So be it!” and disappeared.

The next morning Obama awakened with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi
in his bed.

His “Tool” was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

—oo—

(hat-tip Skip, Kenny, Hershey, Gil, Clyde, Grouchy)

Happy Friday.  

Be sure to add your own below otherwise you will be unhappy the rest of the year.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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26 Responses to Funny Friday – Jan. 3, 2014

  1. Terry says:

    You’re killin’ me here ‘Nox ! Funny Stuff !

    ~A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:
    1 small box of detergent
    1 Bar of soap
    3 individual servings of yogurt
    2 oranges
    1 stick of women’s deodorant.
    She then goes to the check out line.

    Cashier: Oh, you must be single
    Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
    Cashier: No.You’re ugly!

    ~One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her:

    “My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year, so I guess
    I’ll have to spread my legs for him.”

    Her friend replied :
    “Why? Don’t you have a vase?”

  2. Kathy says:

    Good ones, guys, LOL! We could sure use that Genie right about now.

    Southern Comments

    Exclamations:

    “Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”

    “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”

    Threats:

    “I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.”

    “This’ll jar your preserves.”

    “Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”

    Good Things/Compliments:

    “Cute as a sack full of puppies.”

    “If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”

    “Gooder than grits.”

    The Weather:

    “It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”

    “It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”

    Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”

    Descriptions:

    A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”

    When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”

    If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”

    “He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.”

    A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”

    Insults:

    “She’s uglier than homemade soap.”

    “Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued.'”

    “He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

    “Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”

    “The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead”

    Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart.”

    Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.”

  3. Mrs AL says:

    Great funnies, folks. As of this comment, my fav is the moose and guy strapped to the roof of the truck.

  4. All are awesome, guys! Thanks for the laughs….

  5. From the British Files:,,,

    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ….
    Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

    Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a Million pounds worth of improvements.

    Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing anyone who’s English.
    Police fear the death toll could be as high as 3.

    Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.

    I thought she was dead, until I Saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just On standby.

    They’ve had to cancel the panto ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester , Luton and London . Apparently the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen.

    Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.” But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

    A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
    “What’s wrong with him?”, he asked his assistant.

    “He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn’t find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives.”
    “You idiot” said the chemist, “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives.”
    “Of course you can” the assistant replied, “Look at him……..he daren’t cough now!!”

  6. Clyde says:

    Good stuff. Mine is a Clyde True Trucking story. When I drove for Ryder System, our terminal had one cab-over-engine type truck that was an experimental platform for a new driveline combination of engine, transmission, and axles. Well, this thing, the driver’s seat sat 9 feet above the pavement, one had to scramble up 4 steps to get in the damn thing, I pulled up in front of the Buick dealer in Ashtabula, Ohio to unload. The dealer came out, and saw me hit the ground, and started laughing. He was a tall man, probably 6′ 6″ or better, and me, at a soaring 5’4″, well, you can imagine. He said ” how come it is, the shortest guy in the fleet gets the tallest truck”? I simply told him, ” it is union rules”. Well, I get done making my delivery, he signs the paperwork, and starts ragging me about getting back up into it. I told him ” you just stand right here. In about 10 seconds, a helicopter will be coming by to hoist my ass up there.” And, wouldn’t you know it, about that time here it comes, WHUP WHUP WHUP WHUP overhead. I wished I had a camera to get the look on his face. I said to him,” Union Rules”!!

  7. CW says:

    Well knock me down and steal muh teeth, those were funny!

    Here’s an oldie that hopefully everyone hasn’t heard already:

    One day a man goes out into his backyard and notices that his dog carrying around something in his mouth. Upon closer inspection the “something” turns out to be a dead rabbit, and it looks suspiciously like his neighbor’s rabbit. He peers into the neighbor’s yard and sure enough the rabbit cage is empty and the door is wide open. In a panic he takes the rabbit from the dog and cleans and dries it. When he’s sure he can’t be seen he sneaks over and places the dead rabbit back in the cage, shutting the door.
    A week goes by and he runs into the neighbor one day.

    “How’s it going?” he asks nervously. The neighbor says, “Oh, pretty good but the weirdest thing happened. My rabbit up and died!”

    “Oh boy, that is weird. Sorry to hear it,” he replies; but the neighbor goes on: “Well the weird thing is that he died over a week ago so I buried him in the backyard, and now he’s back in his cage!”

  8. vonmesser says:

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    “Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

    “Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

    “No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.
    Do you want a bed near the window?”

  9. WTXGunRunner says:

    OMG! People, THIS is why I absolutely LOVE Friday! These are all great! Congrats to all! After wiping my eyes (okay, somewhat ONLY! LOL) here’s mine:

    A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

    The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

    “Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.