Funny Friday – Dec. 27, 2013

Attention:  This is the last Funny Friday of the year.  Therefore, it requires special and extra participation.

—oo—

—oo—

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?” He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he’d like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?” He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?” He Declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”

“Well,” she says, “Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”

—oo—

—oo—

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle packing factory. For many years he had a powerful urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to dismiss the thought he sought professional help. After six monthly sessions, his therapist gave up.  He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would never have peace of mind.

Several days later, Yossel came home from work very early.

His wife Sarah became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that he finally went ahead, did it and had just been fired from his job.

Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband.

She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

Looking up she said, “Yossel, I don’t understand. What happened with the pickle slicer?”

Yossel replied, “She got fired, too.

—oo—

scandal

—oo—

How men and women record the same day in their diaries

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing..’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

A two-foot putt……….who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

—oo—

An Inside look At the HealthCare.Gov Call Center

callcenter

—oo—

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy. Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday..”

“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men… One for January, one for February, one For March….” 

—oo—

Can I buy a vowel?

vanna

—oo—

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: ‘Don’t Miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman’.

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on center stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.  Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign ‘Don’t Miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman’.  

He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!  He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.  The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

‘You’re incredible!’ he told the Scotsman. ‘But I have to know something. You’re older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

‘Well laddie,’ said the Scot, ‘Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be!!!!!!!!!’

—oo—

—oo—

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

“Follow me son,” the father shark said to his son and they swam to the mass of people.

“First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”

And they did.

“Well done, son! Now, we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”

And they did.

“Now, we eat everybody.”

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”

—oo—

fb

—oo—

(hat-tip to Skip, Gil, Kenny, Hershey, Wendy, Blessed B)

Have a great Friday, and be sure to add your own.

See you next year.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Funny Friday – Dec. 27, 2013

  1. I love the doggie sex scandal especially. Only difference is, my dog smiles and my slippers are missing……
    All great! Thanks for the laugh!

  2. Terry says:

    You are really on top of your game today, ‘Nox. Funny stuff !

    ~ It seems Phil Robertson, one of the stars of Duck Dynasty has been suspended from the show after he criticized gays, so gay people are upset with him. Then he went on to criticize adulterers, drunks and swindlers and now Congress is mad at him!

    ~ Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly
    swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping
    on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

    As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.
    If that didn’t happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.

    For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

    Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would
    sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
    All the blondes applauded.

    ~A blonde touches her knee with her finger and yells Ouch. The same with her elbow and ear.

    The doctor examines her and says: “Madam, your finger is broken.”

  3. Kathy says:

    Good ones, Nox!!

    A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand.
    The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied “They are brain pills…they make you smart.”

    The bartender says excitedly, “Give me one.” He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water.

    In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn’t feel any smarter. “You probably didn’t take enough.” So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.

    Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. “Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!”

    “See,” says the drunk, “you’re getting smarter already.”

  4. Good ones, Folks,,, And ‘Nox, you’re on top the game, today~!

    A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
    After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”

    Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?”

    Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.” Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for her yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping.

    Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish? Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear… “No, I am Norwegian….”

  5. WTXGunRunner says:

    Sorry I’m late folks. These are all great and I did LOL here! Great job Nox and all contributors!

    After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23 year old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69 year old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, be driving a junk car, be sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

    Aren’t older women great? Then really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!

  6. Blessed B. says:

    The pic being banned from face book…I know who that guy is! He’s on another blog site that I’m on! Too funny…it’s still making the rounds I see! LOL!

    weeweechu…

    It’s a romantic full moon, when Pedro said to Rosita,

    “Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”

    Oh no, not now, let’s just look at the moon!” said Rosita.

    Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu.

    I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pedro begged.

    “But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” replied Rosita.

    Please, Corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”

    Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu.”

    Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..

    “Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
    Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
    Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
    and a Happy New Year.”

  7. Blessed B. says:

    An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that
    he’s lost.
    Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction
    with the intention of having lunch.

    The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

    Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles
    down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just
    as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly:
    “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more
    around here?”

    Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
    of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

    “Whew!,” says the panther: “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

    Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a
    nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
    it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

    The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and
    strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

    The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says: “Here,
    squirrel, hop on my back and see what is going to happen to that
    conniving canine!”

    The old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back
    and thinks: “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the
    dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t
    seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old
    Doberman says ………..

    “Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

    Moral of this story…

    Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome
    youth and treachery!

    Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

  8. Blessed B. says:

    REDHEAD

    David Cameron was looking for a call girl.

    He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

    To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom.
    Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?’
    She replied, “£200”.

    To the brunette he asked the same question.
    Her reply was “£100”.

    He then asked the redhead…

    Her reply was:

    “Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, & keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have the pensioners; then you can have it for free, just like everything immigrants get”.

  9. Blessed B. says:

    Last one…I promise!

    Breakfast in Paris..

    A Scotsman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Scotsman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

    Frenchman: ‘You Scots folk eat the whole bread??’

    Scotsman: ‘Of course.’

    Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) ‘We don’t. In France, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland .’ The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

    The Scotsman listens in silence.

    The Frenchman persists: ‘Do you eat jam with the bread??’

    Scotsman: ‘Of Course.’

    Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
    ‘We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to Scotland.’

    After a moment of silence, The Scotsman then asks: ‘Do you have sex in France ?’

    Frenchman: ‘Why of course we do’, he says with a big smirk.

    Scotsman: ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

    Frenchman: ‘We throw them away, of course.’

    Scotsman: ‘We don’t. In Scotland , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .’

  10. CW says:

    Those were great everyone!

    I’m afraid I’m going to have to owe you one again. Thanks!