Attention: This is the last Funny Friday of the year. Therefore, it requires special and extra participation.
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?” He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime, she asks him if he’d like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?” He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?” He Declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”
“Well,” she says, “Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.”
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle packing factory. For many years he had a powerful urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to dismiss the thought he sought professional help. After six monthly sessions, his therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would never have peace of mind.
Several days later, Yossel came home from work very early.
His wife Sarah became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that he finally went ahead, did it and had just been fired from his job.
Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
Looking up she said, “Yossel, I don’t understand. What happened with the pickle slicer?”
Yossel replied, “She got fired, too.
How men and women record the same day in their diaries
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing..’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A two-foot putt……….who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
An Inside look At the HealthCare.Gov Call Center
A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy. Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday..”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men… One for January, one for February, one For March….”
Can I buy a vowel?
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: ‘Don’t Miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman’.
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on center stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign ‘Don’t Miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman’.
He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
‘You’re incredible!’ he told the Scotsman. ‘But I have to know something. You’re older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?”
‘Well laddie,’ said the Scot, ‘Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be!!!!!!!!!’
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me son,” the father shark said to his son and they swam to the mass of people.
“First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Well done, son! Now, we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now, we eat everybody.”
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”
(hat-tip to Skip, Gil, Kenny, Hershey, Wendy, Blessed B)
Have a great Friday, and be sure to add your own.
See you next year.