Funny Friday – Dec. 20, 2013

catfight

 

—oo—

 

Two hunters named Bubba and Bud, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly, saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both…and he had exactly the same airplane as yours.” Reluctantly, the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in, and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Bubba and Bud survived the crash. 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Bubba asked Bud, “Any idea where we are?” Bud replied, “I think we’re pretty damn close to where we crashed last year.”

—oo—

vegetarian

—oo—

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
 
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
 
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
 
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
 
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
 
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

 —oo—

n

—oo—

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But…. The decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

—oo—

redneck time out

—oo—

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down.

You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests.

What’ll it be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains .”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’ St. Peter?” “

“No, I told you the computer’s down, There’s no way we can keep track of what you are doing.”

In that case” says the second priest, I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

“Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter, “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.  But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

Why, asks the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan “

—oo—

naughty

 

—oo—

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left.

The first passenger said, “I’m Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player.  The Lakers need me. I can’t afford to die…” So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said, “I am the wife of the former president of the US. I am also the Secretary of State. For the sake of international stability, I need a parachute.” She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, President Barack Obama said, “I’m president of the United States of America. Our country needs intelligent solutions, and as a former Harvard Law School professor, I am the only person who can offer those solutions. Americans can’t afford for me to die.” So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger was the Pope and he turned to the fifth passenger, a Rabbi, and said, “I am old and frail so I don’t have many years left. As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.

The Rabbi turned to him and said, “Thank you, but it’s really OK…. there are enough parachutes for both of us. America’s most intelligent president has just taken my overnight bag

—oo—

dead santa

 —oo—

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men crawled in and quickly fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,  “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorological, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  

What’s it tell you, Tonto?” 

“You dumber than a Mississippi Redneck. It means someone stole the tent.”

—oo—

—oo—

(hat-tip, Terry, Buck, Wendy, Skip, Kathy, Kenny, Blessed B)

Have a great Friday.  Be sure to add your own below.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Funny Friday – Dec. 20, 2013

  1. Mrs AL says:

    Don’t know what it says about yours truly, but my fav is the “Redneck Time Out.” I’m still laughing.

  2. Kathy says:

    LOL! Good ones, ‘Nox – I especially like the black eye on O.

    Now for something totally offensive…..

    Disney’s new film called “Jet Black,” the African-American version of “Snow White,” has been put on hold.

    All of the 7 dwarfs, Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and Shank, have refused to sing “Hi Ho” because they say it offends black prostitutes.

    They also say they have no intention of singing “It’s off to work we go”.

  3. upaces88 says:

    Right on, Mrs. Al! I totally agree!!

  4. clyde says:

    I loved the Redneck Time-out.

  5. BrianR says:

    Larry and Joe are taking a hike through the woods, when Larry decides he needs to take a whiz. He steps over to some bushes, whips out his “junk”, and starts to relieve himself.

    A sleeping rattlesnake, startled by the sudden downpour, quickly strikes, biting Larry’s pecker. Larry falls to the ground, clutching his wounded member, and wailing, “Omigod, omigod, I’ve been bitten by a rattler! I’m gonna die!”

    Joe tells Larry to calm down, that he’ll call the doctor and find out what to do. Using his cell phone he gets the doctor on the line. He tells the doctor that his friend has been bitten by a rattler, and asks the doctor what he should do.

    The doctor tells him, “The only chance your friend has is for you to use a piece of string or twine, make a tourniquet, and then suck the venom out of the wound.”

    Joe thanks the doctor and hangs up.

    In a panic, Larry asks Joe, “What did the doctor say?”

    Joe replies, “Yeah, Larry, you’re gonna die.”

  6. What a collection this week~! Good ones, ALL

    Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

    “Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”

    “Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”

    “Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center .”

    “Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown”

    The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property.”

    Sarah replies, “Property?…the schmuck had a newspaper route.”

  7. garnet92 says:

    A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home .

    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’

    The little old lady looked over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me … ‘How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.’

  8. WTXGunRunner says:

    As always, Nox, super post! LOL’d all by myself (and proud of it!)…and all the replies are great as well. Can’t wait till next Friday, the LAST Friday in 2013, I might add

    A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walked over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

    She replied, “I’m having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”

    Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks forward to what he has to say next…

    And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?

    • Hardnox says:

      Thanks WTX. I hadn’t realized it was the last FF of the year. I’ll need to do something special.

      LMAO. Some kids are cute. Some not so much.

  9. CW says:

    Great fun as always, Nox and everyone! Thanks!