Two hunters named Bubba and Bud, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly, saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both…and he had exactly the same airplane as yours.” Reluctantly, the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in, and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Bubba and Bud survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Bubba asked Bud, “Any idea where we are?” Bud replied, “I think we’re pretty damn close to where we crashed last year.”
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But…. The decision is all yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies.
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down.
You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests.
What’ll it be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains .”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’ St. Peter?” “
“No, I told you the computer’s down, There’s no way we can keep track of what you are doing.”
In that case” says the second priest, I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
“Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter, “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
Why, asks the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan “
An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left.
The first passenger said, “I’m Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can’t afford to die…” So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said, “I am the wife of the former president of the US. I am also the Secretary of State. For the sake of international stability, I need a parachute.” She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, President Barack Obama said, “I’m president of the United States of America. Our country needs intelligent solutions, and as a former Harvard Law School professor, I am the only person who can offer those solutions. Americans can’t afford for me to die.” So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger was the Pope and he turned to the fifth passenger, a Rabbi, and said, “I am old and frail so I don’t have many years left. As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The Rabbi turned to him and said, “Thank you, but it’s really OK…. there are enough parachutes for both of us. America’s most intelligent president has just taken my overnight bag
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men crawled in and quickly fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?”
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorological, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What’s it tell you, Tonto?”
“You dumber than a Mississippi Redneck. It means someone stole the tent.”
(hat-tip, Terry, Buck, Wendy, Skip, Kathy, Kenny, Blessed B)
Have a great Friday. Be sure to add your own below.