Funny Friday – Dec. 13, 2013

There’s an annual skateboard race in New York City known as the ‘Broadway Bomb’. This year the city banned it, and the New York State Supreme Court ruled that it was within its rights to do so. But it happened anyway.  And someone compiled this film. And put it to music. Don’t start it if you have a mouthful of coffee.

(hat-tip Kathy)

—oo—

HOW TO OFFEND EVERYONE

I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’

I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’

—-

I took my Biology exam last Friday.

I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.

—–

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime.

She said ‘sorry about the wait’.

I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.

—–

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.

When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’

I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.

—–

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.

I thought to myself, ‘fat chance’, with a face like that!

—–

A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man passing by asks ‘What’s wrong, lad?’

The boy says ‘Me ma died this morning.

‘ ‘Oh bejaysus,’ The man says.  ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’

The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.’

—–

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.

But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

—–

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

—–

I hate all this terrorist business.

I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself.  I’m going to take that.’

—–

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa .

He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I?

The farmer looks back up and shouts back.  You’re in a basket you dumb shit!

—–

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong.

The question was where do women have the curliest hair?

Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

—–

I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

(Hat-tip Skip)

—oo—

bumpersticker

—oo—

A man goes to see the Rabbi. ‘

“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me,what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, “Yes” and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

—oo—

I was out hunting the other day and came across this magnificent buck.

I didn’t have the heart to shoot him.

buck

—oo—

Have a great Friday.

Be sure to add your own below.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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25 Responses to Funny Friday – Dec. 13, 2013

  1. Mrs. AL says:

    Message to Hardnox and Kathy: Way too funny video and thanx so very much for the muchly needed giggles.

    Problem: I clicked on the vid before reading the text above it and not I am having to get coffee from between these little button dealibobs with a q-tip!

  2. Kathy says:

    Good ones, ‘Nox! Love Funny Friday!

    A passenger, upset with LIAT Airlines puts a new twist on the angry letter to their management.

    Dear LIAT,
    May I say how considerate it is of you to enable your passengers to take such an in-depth and thorough tour of the Caribbean. Most other airlines I have traveled on would simply wish to take me from points A to B in rather a hurry. I was intrigued that we were allowed to stop at not a lowly one or two, but a magnificent six airports yesterday.

    And who wants to fly on the same airplane the entire time? We got to change and refuel every step of the way!

    I also enjoyed sampling the security scanners at each and every airport. I find it preposterous that people imagine them all to be the same. And as for being patted down by a variety of islanders, well, I feel as if I’ve been hugged by most of the Caribbean already.

    As for our arrival, who wants to have to take a ferry at the end of all that flying anyway? I’m glad the boat was long gone by the time we arrive in Tortola last night, and that all those noisy bars and restaurants were closed.

    So, thank you, LIAT, I now understand why you are ‘The Caribbean Airline.”
    PS. Keep the bag, I never liked it anyway.

  3. WTXGunRunner says:

    As is the norm, thanks for the excellent start to my Friday! Great job, Nox! I’m here early, for me, so the comment left by K is wonderful as well.

    One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

    The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.
    Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

    With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?” 🙂

  4. Clyde says:

    That video was cool. Always got a chuckle out of Benny Hill. My thoughts were, however, SO MANY Obama voters, so FEW trucks to run’em over.

  5. Two congressmen, Carlton Marx and Conrad Lenin, have introduced the Affordable Food act. This legislation provides a guarantee of nutrition for all Americans. Citizens will simply go onto a website and apply for the meal plan of their choice. Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum.

    Depending upon income and number of family members, subsidies may be provided. Starting January 1, 2015, food will only be purchased via the AFA debit card. If you choose not to participate, a fine will be levied equal to six percent of your income. If you wish to continue frequenting upscale restaurants and gourmet grocery stores, you may continue to do so. However, there will be a “Cadillac” tax imposed for the luxury of doing so.

    The president has promised, “If you like your grocery store, you can keep your grocery store.” If you like a restaurant, you may continue to visit that restaurant.”

    Congress, the Senate, and staff members have decided to opt out of the legislation.

  6. CW says:

    I don’t know how you come up with so much funny stuff every week, Hardnox! I struggle just to come up with one joke every now and then.

    So…did you hear what happened to those two Obama voters? They froze to death at the drive-in watching “Closed for the Season.”

  7. white531 says:

    Thanks for the giggles! I now have something new to look forward to on Fridays!

  8. Blessed B. says:

    The Indian With One Testicle There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!’ The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’ Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn’t die!

    Why ???

    OH, come on…. take a guess !!!

    Think about it !!!

    Everyone knows…
    You can’t kill Two Birds
    with OneStone!!!

  9. Blessed B. says:

    Modern Technology

    I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night
    when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

    ‘This is the 21st century, old man,’
    my son-in-law said.
    ‘We don’t waste money on newspapers.
    Here, you can borrow my iPod.’

    I can tell you,
    that bloody fly never knew what hit it…

  10. Blessed B. says:

    Sorry for the length of this!…

    What starts with “F” and end in “K”?

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

    Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

    Harry: “9.”

    Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

    Harry: “36.”

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

    Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: “Pockets.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

    Harry: “Pants.”

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

    Harry: “Coconut.”

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

    The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

    Harry: “Shake hands.”

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat
    and excitement?”

    Harry: “Firetruck.”

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong….

    Now, how many did YOU get wrong? LOL!

  11. upaces88 says:

    THIS IS ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL! I LOVED IT!!!