Funny Friday – Dec. 6, 2013

—oo—

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair …. Kill her!!’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’

The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, But I can’t kill my wife.’

The agent said, ‘You don’t Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls..

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to kill him with the chair!

—oo—

science teachers

 

—oo—

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.

“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

—oo—

idiot

 —oo—

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife (a blonde) is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel, ‘ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?

—oo—

congress

 —oo—

A teacher asks each of the kids in class what they need at home.

Joey says “A computer.” The teacher replies, “That would be very useful.”

Kimmy says “A new lawn mower” and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says “At my house we don’t need anything!”

The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, “No I’m sure. When Obama was re-elected, I remember my dad saying,

‘Well, that’s the last friggin thing we needed.’ “

—oo—

love

 

—oo—

(hat-tip Crawfish, Skip, J.P., Gil, Grouchy, Garnet92)

Happy Friday, feel free to add your own below.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to Funny Friday – Dec. 6, 2013

  1. All great! Thanks for the chuckles…

  2. Kathy says:

    Good ones, Nox! Love that little Johnny, but those shorts on O…ewww. 🙂

    Nancy Pelosi was riding down the road in her chauffeur driven car, when suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. The car hits it full on and comes to a stop.

    Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, “You get out and check–you were driving.” So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old..

    “You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer,” says Nancy . Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

    “My God, what happened to you?” asks Nancy . The chauffeur replies, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a wonderful meal, and the daughter made love to me.”

    “What on earth did you say?” asks Nancy . “I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, “I’m Nancy Pelosi’s chauffeur, and I’ve just killed the old cow..”

  3. A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

    An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

    She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

    When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.

    “What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.

    “Nothing,” the woman answered ” I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

    “Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”
    * * * * *

    THE MAN WHO GAVE UP SEX FOR GOLF….

    A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
    couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer
    mumbles to himself.

    Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

    Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
    golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.

    Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”

    The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

    Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.

    On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

    Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves
    to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the
    rest of your sex life?” “Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

    As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”

    “Nice to meet you, “the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”

  4. Buck says:

    The Italian Mistress

    An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

    The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

    “Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

    “Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

    “I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But…. The decision is all yours.”

    Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

    “Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife.

    “That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

    “Ours is prettier,” she replies.

  5. Buck says:

    Another guy driving through Arizona sees an Indian walking and offers him a ride.
    After a while the Indian sees a bottle resting in the console and asks, “What’s in bottle?”
    “It’s wine,” says the driver, “I got it for my wife.”
    “Hmm,” says the Indian, “Good trade.”

  6. WTXGunRunner says:

    Best part of my Friday! Love these. Thanks Nox and all other contributors. Fun, fun, funny!

  7. Clyde says:

    Always good stuff.

  8. Buck says:

    What’s the difference between a woman from Northern Maine woman and a moose?
    Uh…
    You don’t have to kiss the moose when you’re through?