Funny Friday – Nov. 29, 2013

family

—oo—

A new priest, born and raised in rural Alabama comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out
of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like ‘yes, I see,’ and ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, “No shit, what happened next?”

—oo—

wiley

—oo—

A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.

The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The black guy says to the redneck:  “You see how clever we are?  You rednecks can never beat that!”

The redneck says to the black guy: “Watch this, any Redneck is smarter than a roundhead, and I’ll prove it to ya.”

He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick!” The baker gives him the cookie, which redneck promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker: “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.

He eats this one too.

Then he says again: “Give me one more cookie…”

The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.

The Redneck eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: “And where is your famous magic trick?”

The redneck says, “Look in the black guys pocket!”

—oo—

Aliens

—oo—

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed – as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he
was.

In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”

He replied, “Well, I’m in the pub next door.”

—oo—

il douche

—oo—

A Texas teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a glow.

She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” Sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots’..

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, ‘Why didn’t you say so’, like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, ‘They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em’.

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.

Helping him with his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your mittens’?

He said, ‘I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots so’s I wouldn’t lose em’.

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

—oo—

decoder ring

—oo—

(hat-tip Kathy, Rose Ann, Kenny, Skip,  Garnet)

Have a great Friday.  Be sure to add your own below.

~ Hardnox

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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25 Responses to Funny Friday – Nov. 29, 2013

  1. upaces88 says:

    Thank you! Thank you so much…I needed the laugher!

  2. Mrs AL says:

    Laughter helps … can’t wait to read more from others.

  3. Thanks for the chuckles. Great post!

  4. CW says:

    Great funnies, as always Hardnox. Thanks!

  5. Terry says:

    You’re killing me today, ‘Nox ! Love the ‘decoder ring’. If you are familiar with the movie “A Christmas Story”, you’ll know the secret message read “DRINK MORE KOOL-AID !”

    A hungry termite walks into a pub and says, “Is the bar tender here?”

    A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ???Sorry, we don???t serve food in here.???

    3 men, a muslim, a Kenyan, and a communist, walk into a bar.
    The bartender asks : “What will it be, Mr. President?”

    Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
    “Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?” said the first gal.
    “Could you pass me the honey, honey?” said the second.
    “Could you pass me the bacon, pig?” said the third.

    A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn’t want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

    The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man’s house. He screamed at the professor:

    “You tell this guy that if he doesn’t give me back my money I’ll kill him!”

    The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.”

    The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first.”

    HAPPY BLACK FRIDAY TO ALL !

  6. A RETIREE’S LAST TRIP TO KROGER’S

    Yesterday I was at my local Kroger’s buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think … I had an elephant?

    So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

    Kroger’s won’t let me shop there anymore!

    Better watch what you ask retired people.
    They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

    • I hope you realize that I fully intend to plagiarize your story. I’m old enough, retired and crazy enough to actually pull it off; with a straight face to boot.
      Thanks for the “encouragement”.

  7. Kathy says:

    LOL! Good ones, you guys!!

    A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. …

    Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

    The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

    They spotted a farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.

    They hurried over to the man’s tractor. “Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

    “Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.

    Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?” “Yep.”

    “Were there any survivors?”

    “Nope. They’s all kilt straight out, “the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”

    “President Obama is dead?” the sheriff asked.

    “Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. “He kept a-saying he wasn’t . . . But you know how bad that sumbitches lies.

  8. Clyde says:

    Good stuff. Liked the family portrait.

  9. Saltwater says:

    There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

    After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor’s office.

    Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor’s office.

    During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, “What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?”

    To this, the eye doctor responded, “I said to myself ‘Thank God I’m not a proctologist.'”

  10. vonmesser says:

    You were lucky, Grouchy. My best friend was on that diet and he was killed when he stopped to lick his balls and got hit by a truck.

  11. THIS JUST IN:

    Recently in Victoria , a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
    The next day, at the Horsham Court ( Victoria , Australia ), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

    LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop. “You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside… well, there was no one around for miles – or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around…” he stated.

    LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “I s’pose I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

    In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.

    ‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Senior Constable TAYLOR. ‘I walked up to LAWRENCE – and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin…’

    Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE … “I said; ‘Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?”

    “LAWRENCE froze, and was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘A pumpkin? Shit – is it midnight already?”

    The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

    The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as “The best come-back line” ever…

  12. Blessed B. says:

    Breaking news! White House head gardener fired.

    It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to the many US presidents.

    When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said “All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked, ‘Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe ? ‘ The next thing I knew, my butt was fired.”

    http://boudicabpi.wordpress.com/2010/06/15/breaking-news-white-house-head-gardener-fired/

  13. upaces88 says:

    I thought maybe he was fired for mowing down his budding Marijuana plants.

  14. Hardnox says:

    Y’all are on a roll today. 🙂 🙂

  15. Mrs AL says:

    Thanx for the giggles, ya’ll. Absolutely needed!!