Funny Friday – Nov. 22, 2013

Dogs

 

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During a lady’s medical examination, the doctor says: “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

“No! No! Don’t remove your clothes… Just stick out your tongue”.

 

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bumpersticker

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In case you didn’t already know this little tidbit of trivia…. 

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, “that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to earth and heard by millions, but just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark – “good luck, Mr. Gorsy.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut, however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the ‘good luck, Mr. Gorsky’ statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr. Gorsky to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded, because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.

Here is the answer to “who was Mr. Gorsky”:

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.

His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by their bedroom window.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “sex! you want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

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thumbs

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WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS!

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow.

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” -Moses Hadas.

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain.

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde.

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill replied “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.”

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” -Stephen Bishop.

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright.

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” -Irvin S. Cobb.

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” -Samuel Johnson.

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating.

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand.

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker.

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain.

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork..” – Mae West.

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde.

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder.

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho

 

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ObamaCare Tech Team Arrives

ObamaCare techteam

 

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The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Woodbridge, Virginia just off I-95 where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’  Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

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sponsor

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(hat-tip Pat, Rose Ann, Hershey, Skip, Kathy, Wendy)

Be sure to add your own below.

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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12 Responses to Funny Friday – Nov. 22, 2013

  1. Kathy says:

    Those are great!!

    A senior-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

    She texted:
    If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
    If you are laughing, send me your smile.
    If you are eating, send me a bite.
    If you are… drinking, send me a sip.
    If you are crying, send me your tears.
    I love you.

    The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
    I’m on the toilet. Please advise

  2. Terry says:

    Those were GREAT, guys !

    A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, “Help, send the police to my house right away! There’s a damn Republican on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.”

    “What?” the operator exclaimed. “I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird; I don’t know him and I’m afraid! Please send the police!” the little old lady repeated.

    “Well, now, how do you know he’s a Republican?”

    “Because, you damn fool, if it was a Democrat, he’d be screwing somebody!”

    badda bing

    A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Obama appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.” A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

    A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” said the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. “Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Democrat country!”

    “Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”

    badda bang

    A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.

    Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu…

    Broiled Missionary: $10.00
    Fried Explorer: $15.00
    Baked Democrat: $100.00.

    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Democrat?”

    The cook replied “Have you ever tried to clean one of them?”

    Badda Boom !

  3. vonmesser says:

    If you go out and purchase the CD: HEARTBURN by Michael Longcor you fill find the song “Good Luck Mr Gorsky” This song is a hilarious telling of the moon story above.

  4. Classics, indeed~!

    Down in Cornwall

    A Cornish rugby fan is drinking in a Devon bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Cornish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, ‘That’s about average in Cornwall … like I said, my boy’s a typical Cornish baby boy. Gonna be a rugby player.’

    Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of ‘WOW!’ One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

    Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, ‘Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Cornish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
    Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?’

    The proud father answers, ‘Twenty pounds.’ The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. ‘What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!’

    The Cornishman takes a slow swig of his Doom Bar Bitter Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
    ‘Had him circumcised…’

    * * * * *

    BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

    Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..

    All of a sudden… POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

    Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”

    Then POOF! … She was gone!

    After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?”

    Fred yells back, “I’m over here in the pussy willows.”

    Tom shouts back,

    ‘DON’T SWING FRED; WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T SWING!!!’

    Have a Grandiferously Wondorious Week-End, Everyone~!

  5. CW says:

    You never disappoint, Hardnox! Those insults are priceless!

    Great contributions by everyone else as well.

  6. Clyde says:

    Good shit. Loved the Neil Armstrong story. Never had heard it.

  7. Thanks for the laughs! I needed the break….

  8. WTXGunRunner says:

    Nox, as usual, you have made the end of my Friday. Thanks! And to all of the rest of you, Holy God!, you guys were tremendous as well! Best part of my week, this is. I was particularly surprised to see the reference to the Neil Armstrong story, since I just learned that tonight on Facebook. Woa! Play the Twilight Zone music here! Anyway, great job guys n gals. Love this stuff!!!

  9. Hardnox says:

    Y’all were great….

    Thanks for playing and for the kind words.