Funny Friday – Nov. 15, 2013

—oo—

The Washington Redskins are changing their name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, hatred, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, violence, counter-productivity, ill-spirit, un-Godliness, and hostility associated with their name.

From now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

—oo—

—oo—

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, “Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!”

“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Harry.

“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?”

“Yes we are!” said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color.”

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!”

—oo—

zero4

—oo—

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’ ‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

—oo—

obamacare

—oo—

(special thanks to Bob, J.P., Kathy)

Have a great Friday.  Be sure to add your own below.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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14 Responses to Funny Friday – Nov. 15, 2013

  1. Terry says:

    Those are great, ‘Nox ! Love the tequila ad. Brings back memories…..

    A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.”

    The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no
    problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.

    The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, “I think my driver will do the job.”

    The robot caddie turned to the man and said, “No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.”

    Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

    The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

    As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, “I think this green is gonna break left to right.”
    The robot then again spoke up and said, “No
    sir. I do believe this green will break right to left.”

    Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

    Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, “How was your game ?”

    The golfer stated, “It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots
    See you next week.”

    A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, “I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.”

    The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, “Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.”

    “COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible!”

    The man sighed and said, “Well, it wasn’t their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway.”

    The golfer said, “So then why didn’t you just paint them black?”

    The man nodded sadly and replied, “We did. Then four of ’em didn’t show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he’s the President.”

  2. Clyde says:

    I really liked the one about the Lab with two assholes. So, I have another True Clyde Trucking Story. One morning, there was a group of drivers waiting for dispatch, it was a nice morning, we were standing outside the office door, and one of the guys had his dog with him. Well, the dog was licking himself where male dogs like to lick themselves, and one big, burly gruff and tough guy speaks up and says ” man, I wish I could do that”. I said to gruff and tough, ” you might want to make friends with him first”. Every one was laughing so hard, the dispatcher came out to see what all the racket was about.

  3. Kathy says:

    LOL, good ones, guys!

    Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white government official, ‘You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.’

    The Chief nodded in agreement.

    The official continued, ‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?’

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. ‘When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.’

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled. ‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’

  4. Buck says:

    > Sports Quotes…..
    >
    >
    >
    > “My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone
    > and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to
    > play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead,
    > your chances aren’t as good.”
    > – Vic Braden, tennis instructor
    >
    >
    > “Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were
    > losing on the road. My failure as a coach was
    > that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.”
    > – Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
    >
    >
    > “Blind people come to the ballpark just to
    > listen to him pitch.”
    > – Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
    >
    >
    > “I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and
    > my cash to run out at the same time. If I can
    > just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be
    > perfect.”
    > – Doug Sanders, professional golfer
    >
    >
    > “All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives
    > ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me
    > another beer.'”
    > – Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
    >
    >
    > “When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk
    > drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every
    > time.”
    > – Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
    >
    >
    > “I found out that it’s not good to talk about my
    > troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear
    > them don’t care and the other twenty percent are
    > glad you’re having them.”
    > – Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager
    >
    >
    > “My knees look like they lost a knife fight with
    > a midget.”
    > – E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker
    > regarding his 12 knee operations
    >
    >
    >
    > “When they operated, I told them to add in a
    > Koufax fastball. They did – but unfortunately it
    > was Mrs. Koufax’s.”
    > – Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm
    > surgery
    >
    >
    >
    > “I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”
    > – Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked
    > if Tom Landry ever smiles
    >
    >
    > “We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke
    > from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one
    > was pale as a ghost.”
    > – John Breen, Houston Oilers
    >
    >
    > “The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”
    > – Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a
    > lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
    >
    >
    > “When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to
    > get a standing boo.”
    > – Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
    >
    >
    > “I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the
    > ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually
    > in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.”
    > – Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
    >
    >
    > “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow
    > the whole day.”
    > – Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why
    > his marriage ceremony was before noon.
    >
    >
    > “I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be
    > fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and
    > moving the ball.”
    > – Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach
    >
    >
    > “I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”
    > – Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a
    > game
    >
    >
    > “I tell him ‘Attaway to hit, George.'”
    > – Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice
    > he gives George Brett on hitting
    >
    >
    > “I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is
    > when they do the operation on someone else, not you.”
    > – Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
    >
    >
    > “Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.”
    > – George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying
    > the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25
    > sophomores.
    >
    >
    > “The only difference between me and General Custer is
    > that I have to watch the films on Sunday.”
    > – Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
    >

  5. CW says:

    These were all great. Everyone was at the top of their game today!

  6. WOW~! What a collection ~! My Entry???

    Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Too Can Be THE MAN of Your House.
    He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From
    now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You’ll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my
    meal, you’ll serve me a sumptuous dessert.

    After dinner, we’re going upstairs, and we’ll have the kind of sex that I want.
    Afterwards, you’re going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You’ll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

    Then, you’ll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

    His Sicilian wife Anna replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess”.

  7. Hardnox says:

    Y’all were great today.

  8. WTXGunRunner says:

    I was thinking of replying to each one of these but, after wiping my eyes on several occasions, I decided against that. Self preservation and my Kleenex bill would have been off the scale! So, I will say this, to all of you. THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY SUPER!! Thanks people!! After a work day, this is GREAT! Keep this up!, it’s super