Funny Friday – Nov. 8, 2013

—oo—

Sam the rig hand walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”

.

.

“The electric company, water company, and phone company”,  Sam replied.…

—oo—

Have you ever seen critters first discover a mirror?  This is funny.

—oo—

A man in the Safeway Store tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. 

The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some ass hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied. 

‘Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked. 

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.” 

“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.” 

“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”

—oo—

pork—oo—

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the
difference between these two words.

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended
by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese
man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5
minutes.

The final question was:

How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a
way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer –

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,

and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

—oo—

 tattoo

—oo—

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “that’s a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum”.

—oo—

flow chart—oo—

At the Scottish  wedding reception the D.J. yelled…

“Would all married  men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth  living.”

The bartender was  almost crushed to death. 

—oo—

(hat-tip Kenny, Skip, G92)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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15 Responses to Funny Friday – Nov. 8, 2013

  1. Good ones, Hardnox, and A HAPPY FRIDAY, to ALL~!

    Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle…
    From the Hamilton Spectator Daily News comes this story of a Burlington couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She then took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. When she looked across the hood, she found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

    • CW says:

      Funny! Okay, this is a true story about one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. My husband and I went to a pool party at friend’s house. After swimming we were standing around in a circle with a bunch of people, talking and laughing. I stepped out of the circle for a moment to grab a beer from a nearby cooler, and when I returned to my spot next to my husband I did something I rarely do and I gave him a big spank on his behind. I immediately regretted it because with his bathing suit being wet it made a very loud sound and seemed to attract everyone’s attention, but of course it gets worse because just then I looked across the circle and saw my husband smiling back at me from about 10 feet away. Immediately I swiveled to my right to see what strange man I had just assaulted and found myself face to face with his smiling co-worker.

  2. CW says:

    LOL the critters in the mirror was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen! I wish my cats would do that.

    Here’s my lame old joke:

    It’s 1865 and a man and a woman get married without much of a courtship. After a brief ceremony at the Justice of the Peace he loads her belongings onto his wagon and they head out with his mule pulling them along. They ride in silence until at one point the mule steps in a rut and stumbles a little, at which time the man says, “That’s one.” The woman doesn’t know what this means but says nothing. A little while later the mule bumps into a rock and stumbles again. The man says, “That’s two.” The woman wonders again what this means but doesn’t ask. After a bit the mule stumbles yet again, and the man says, “That’s three.” He stops the wagon, grabs his gun and shoots the mule. The woman is shocked and incensed. “ARE YOU CRAZY?” she screams at the man. That was our only mule! Now we’ll have to carry all of this stuff ourselves and we’ll have to walk! The man quietly turns to her and says, “That’s one.”

  3. Kathy says:

    LOL, good ones, you guys!!

    Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”

    Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over………….women like that are hard to find.”

  4. Clyde says:

    Good stuff. Two guys were standing near a fence, watching a horse lazily graze in a field. The one guy turns to his friend, and says “I can make that horse laugh”. The other guy says “no way, go try it”. So, they make a friendly wager, and over the fence goes the first guy, he walks up to the horse, whispers something in his ear, and the horse rears up, and shaking his head, with a big horse laugh coming out of his mouth, he rolls on the ground, he’s laughing so hard. So, the first guy hops back over the fence, and says to his friend, “see, I told you I could make him laugh”. So, the second guy says, “well, what did you say to him to make him laugh like that”? The first guy says, “I told him I was better hung than he was”. So, the second guy thinks about it for a moment, and says to the first guy, “I’ll bet you I can make him cry”. So, the first guy says “you’re on”. The second guy hops the fence, and whispers something in the horse’s ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically again. A few seconds go by, the second guy is doing something the first guy can’t see, and about that time, the horse starts crying as hysterically as it was laughing. So, the second guy hops back over the fence, and the first guy says, “man, I am impressed. First, you get him cracking up, then crying hysterically. What did you do”? The second guy says, “well, I told him I was hung more than he was, which got him laughing, and then I showed him”.

  5. Mrs AL says:

    Kudos all … appreciate the giggles!

  6. Hardnox says:

    Y’all were on a roll today. Thanks for participating. Those were great.

  7. Blessed B. says:

    Sorry to be late to the party…but I have one…

    Retired Fighter Pilot

    Early one morning, an elderly retired fighter pilot yelled to his wife….

    “Honey….! Come see what I created….! It’s an abstract panorama
    depicting the five years of the Obama presidency!

    She yelled back, “Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast.”

  8. Blessed B. says:

    One more….

    A dude calls his friend, the horse breeder, and says he’s sending a pal over to look at a horse.

    His friend asks, “How will I recognize him?”

    That’s easy: “He’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.”

    So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. “A female horth”.

    So he shows him a prized filly.

    “Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?”

    So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

    “Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?”

    So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

    “Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?”

    The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

    “Nice mouf, can I see her twat?”

    Totally pissed-off at this point, the breeder grabs the dwarf under his arms and rams his head up the horse’s ass, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

    The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

    “Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit”?