America’s Future When Liberals Rule, Part 3 [satire]

No one realized what was happening when liberals solidified their stranglehold on the U.S., it just sorta happened. We were like a frog in a pot of water – at first the water was cool and refreshing, then cozy and warm, and in the blink of an eye, we were frog soup.

First, they took the Presidency, next they tightened their control of the Senate, then they gained control of the House, and finally, naming new Justices, they increased the liberal majority on the Supreme Court.

Then the changes came – nothing was sacred – we were doomed.

We learned about these events when papers were discovered that detailed how Michel Nostradamus created a machine that let him view the future. Those documents enabled scientists to duplicate his device, allowing them to see the world yet to come.

Over several months of viewing sessions, the scientists documented observations of life as it will be in the future – it’s not a pretty picture … 

Be aware that this is the third part of this series. To read the first part (which covered chapter 1, The Environment, and chapter 2, Immigration, click here. To read the second part, click here.

You should also know that some of the issues found by our scientists may be considered “PG,” if you are easily offended, go read something else.

7. Everyday Living

All citizens are now traceable via the Global Positioning System (GPS) since organic RFID transmitters have been introduced into everyone’s body via tiny colorful “Bozo the Clown” suppositories.

All drivers recognize the often seen “middle-finger salute.” The Ministry of Communications has created a new series of finger displays designed to allow an expression of roadway appreciation to be conveyed without words. For example, some of the new finger signs represent: “thanks for cutting me off,” “I appreciate sitting through another red light,” “it’s ok, I’ll find another parking space,” and “please drive slower, I’m in no hurry.”

Cigarettes are banned but medicinal marijuana is widespread. Usage is at an all-time high; most of the adult population now have prescriptions. Chief among the causal elements is BDS (Bush Derangement Syndrome). Decades after his presidency, everything that is wrong anywhere, with anything, is still blamed on Bush. It’s amazing how he could be blamed for fathering an estimated 66,422 children, stealing millions of payment checks from the mail and eaten so many kid’s homework?

To prevent price-gouging and hoarding of munchies, the government has imposed strict price controls on Cheetos, Ding Dongs, and chili dogs. [On a positive note, the government continues to add snack foods to the Strategic Munchie Reserve].

Electronic detectors are located at the entrance(s) of all stores and offices. In addition to scanning for weapons, explosives, and unpaid merchandise, the devices also screen for objectionable odors. Sensing a malodorous individual, the device “puffs” a powerful disinfectant into the area and automatically super-glues a tree-shaped deodorizer to the stinky person’s clothing.

Groceries are now ordered from web sites and delivered by UPS. Sophisticated software allows “picking up” an item online and turning it on any axis to view any part of the package. Obviously missing is the tactile sensation of squeezing a fruit or vegetable. To address the need for squeeze, professional “fluffers” at shipping warehouses provide squeezing and fondling services as required by the customer.

The professional fluffer positions have additional benefits; they are highly sought after on dating websites. In particular, those females who specialize in banana and cucumber fluffing are in demand by men, while gentle orange and grapefruit squeezers are prized by women.

The highly successful Holy Foods Market has introduced a new super-natural tofu product. Made of milk from free-range soys, the soy-milk curds are pressed into wiener-shaped cylinders. The company’s CEO, I. B. Rotund has announced a public poll to help choose the new product’s name. So far, the leading contenders are “Tofrankies,” “Dogcurds,” and “Frankfurkies.”

8. The Population

Schools are no longer necessary; knowledge is no longer necessary; thinking is no longer necessary. All actions, reflexes and responses necessary for human life have been neurologically implanted by subliminal directives hidden in beer and feminine hygiene commercials.

In order to filter out imperfect human specimens, science now manipulates individual DNA elements prior to birth. Consulting with a genetic “Chef”, parents select a base male or female model (alternative genders available in California) with optional features and upgrades chosen from a series of menus.

“Standard” children are assigned randomized DNA code and include few premium attributes. Premium attributes are available for an additional charge. Topping the premium options available for females are: blue eyes, blond hair, big boobs, and a tiny tush (all selections from the “Appetizer” menu). For males, muscles and a jumbo male member are the most popular upgrades from the “Meat” menu.

Native IQ on standard male models defaults to 70 and females to 80. Because of cross-genetic hybridization, the female logic quotient lags approximately 27 points behind that of males while their emotional code is generally about 41 points higher. It is no wonder that men and women have difficulty communicating. Sixty-eight points is the same logic/emotion differential as was measured between a human male and a broccoli spear.

Obama III’s Brown Shirts have developed a nefarious method of keeping the adult male population confused and under control. They simply provide Bud Lite beer bottles with pictures of nude women on them. When the beer is warm, the women are nude – but when the beer is chilled, the clothes come back. This puzzles and confuses most men who are torn between seeing “nekkid” women and wanting cold beer.

9. Sports and Games

The People’s Athletics Ministry found that there were too many sports and set out to consolidate them. The new sports are less competitive yet still provide excitement, exercise, and personal fulfillment. As in all activities, “losing” is prohibited; scores are adjusted so that all participants win.

Sockey combines soccer and hockey. It’s played on an ice rink measuring 105 meters by 75 meters. Hockey sticks have been classified as weapons and are outlawed. Instead, the players kick “butt.” The butt replaces a soccer ball and is an air-inflated, rubber, buttock-shaped object.

Foosketball is a combination of football and basketball. Played with a football, the ball must be dribbled down the field rather than held in a player’s hand(s). Dribbling a football is difficult (an understatement) as it bounces unpredictably, and teams score only when the foosketball is kicked through a window of a vintage Morris Minor that is doing doughnuts around the field.

Tolf uses aspects taken from both golf and tennis. Golf clubs and racquets are classified as weapons and are banned. A NERF-type ball is swatted with the hand and directed towards hanging rings in an effort to pass the ball through the ring. Teams are mixed foursomes and ride HoverRounds while maneuvering to avoid moving obstacles (baby kittens and tiny furry puppies scurrying about on the arena floor).

Track athletics were revised so that all runners start and finish at the same time (those finishing too early are penalized). Starter pistols are outlawed and runners “go” when the starter dog barks. Hurdles are banned because they are too hard to jump and runners might trip over them.

Relay runners can no longer pass batons since they are now outlawed as possible weapons. The runners can only pass gas at the “handoff.” To run a good race, a runner must avoid positioning him/herself behind any other runner, especially in the four-farty relay.

Dangerous shot put and hammer throws have been replaced with balloon throws. The use of a balloon is temporary since PETB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Balloons) has filed suit claiming the events disrespect the balloon’s place in the cosmos. Note that competition balloons must contain only ordinary air as helium-filled balloons can be thrown but don’t seem to ever come down.

With pole vaulting poles confiscated as possible weapons, five-meter vaults have become rare.

During the scientist’s viewing period, the country still hadn’t recovered from the disastrous reign of Obama the First. While the economy was in shambles and so many were without jobs, families turned to games to pass the time, a few are noted here.

Acting Obama is a parlor game that became popular during the early part of the century. It is loosely based on Charades. To play, an “actor” is required to act out one of the derogatory descriptions commonly applied to B. Hussein Obama. The actor must then act out the assigned phrase – without words – challenging the other players to guess the phrase. Some popular (though difficult to act out) favorites are “dumbass,” “stupid motherf***er,” and “Socialist scumsucker.”

Pin the Blame on the Asswipe is patterned after “Pin the Tail on the Donkey.” It’s a game where a blindfolded participant attempts to place a pile of “blame” on a cardboard cutout of Barack Obama. The “blame” is represented by a pile of bullshit dung. The silhouette is two-faced (historically accurate). The cutout is sprayed with a non-stick coating. As the spray wears off, the dung begins to stick and the players delight in putting more and more Blame on the Asswipe.

Babble is a takeoff on the old Scrabble game. The revised version was developed during the Obama years and uses lettered tiles similar to the original game. Reflective of Obama’s narcissism, the only words that count towards a score are “I” and “Me.”

10. Entertainment

Clint Eastwood III and Spike Lee Jr. remain at odds in Hollywood’s “casting wars”. They seem to be responding to each other by “in your face” casting. Latest rumors have Lee working on a movie titled “George Bush, Antichrist” in which Bush is played by Eddie Murphy. Eastwood countered with his new project “Martin Luther” and sources say that Larry the Cable Guy has been cast as MLK.

SA (Surround Around) is the newest home entertainment rage. With SA, a center seating circle is surrounded by lifelike effects occurring on all sides. It’s so realistic; it’s like being there. While dramas and nature shows have a strong following, the most popular titles are still porn: “Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Does Tallahassee” and “The Kardashians Do All 57 States.”

Celebrity Hunt is a hot new reality show where several paparazzi are released into a hedge maze to be hunted by two celebrity personalities. The pilot episode starred Miley Cyrus and Brad Pitt. The stars are armed with 500kV Taser stun guns and are anxious to show the paparazzi how much they appreciate the 24/7 stalking. As the game goes on, it becomes more and more challenging for the celebrities as they attempt to avoid the previously zapped smoking, charred, paparazzi.

With the reinstated Fairness Doctrine in effect, all radio talk shows have disappeared. The only thing left on radio that consistently gives both sides is Miller Lite’s “Great Taste, Less Filling” commercial running twenty-four hours a day. Luckily, it is the one with the two hot babes mud-wrestling in their skimpy underwear. Listening to their heavy breathing and groaning helps a guy’s imagination make up for the lack of visuals.

Current top box office blockbusters reflect the aging of their stars. The hot five are: Indiana Jones and the Flaming Wheelchair of Doom, The Bourne Senility, National Lampoon’s Assisted Living Vacation, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Dentures, and Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Damp Depends.

Debate season is in full swing; sessions are scheduled by topic and are free to all. Next week’s topic is “Free Speech, Can We Tax It?” Last week, the teams explored the “Did Not, Did Too” conundrum, but when fights broke out between the debaters, the resultant carnage prevented a consensus. The ever-popular classic debate topic, “Trailer Trash or Intern” will be the final topic of the season with the author’s daughter Monica Clinton on hand to sign blue dresses.

11. Sex in the Future

Open air sex is now prohibited. Sex is now restricted to “Booty Bags”. A self-contained, foil-lined sleeping bag for two or more, (a Grandé-Booty bag can accommodate up to sixteen adults), the insulated bags prevent excessive respiration/perspiration products from escaping into the atmosphere, aggravating global warming (and stinking up the place). It is recommended that the interior of the bag be fire-hosed out after especially vigorous use.

The bags use built-in thermo-energenic generators to convert the captured heat and energy to electricity, and then return excess power not used by the household to the electrical grid. The manufacturer, Boinker Bags, LTD. just introduced a new marketing campaign which includes a catchy slogan: “Boink your way to energy independence and screw the electric company at the same time.”

A “Solo-Booty” is a smaller bag for individual use. These bags capture energy from personal activity and are outfitted for the two currently recognized genders (four in California). A vigorous user of the “Solo” bag can generate enough energy to entertain a small gathering (i.e., power a small party boat or a Karaoke setup).

Condoms are no longer necessary since the invention of the Clapper Wrapper. The male simply inserts his appendage into the device and claps once. The sonic frequency of the clap causes a puff of gaseous latex to envelop the inserted item. Later, two claps causes the latex covering to gasify and disburse thereby removing it from the item. The marketing campaign has caused the slogan “Clap on, Clap off, the Clapper Wrapper” to become very popular.

In a related incident, an Ann Arbor, MI man, Mr. Hammond Swiss, was attempting his first use of a newly acquired Clapper Wrapper when the entire crowd applauded in Michigan Stadium, less than a block away. 120,000 people clapping all at once exceeded the device’s design specifications and it malfunctioned. Services for Mr. Swiss will be held Saturday.

Another new marital aid is now available for individuals lacking a “normal” sex drive. Called “Horny Helper,” it consists of a miniature touch-sensitive injection unit which is implanted under the skin behind the left elbow. When rubbed, it releases a small amount (3ml) of the libido-enhancing drug “Getmesum.”

Upon injection, the drug’s effect slowly rises from mild interest to that of an extremely horny chimpanzee in about 10 minutes. Users are cautioned to activate only in private since running amok in public (e.g., supermarkets or movie theaters) are the legal responsibility of the horny amok-runner.

 

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9 Responses to America’s Future When Liberals Rule, Part 3 [satire]

  1. Clyde says:

    I just don’t know how you come up with this shit. BUT, I’m damn sure glad you do. Stellar, Garnet. Take a bow.

  2. Kathy says:

    My sides hurt. You had me at Bozo suppositories and it just gets better from there. 🙂

    Excellent stuff, Garnet, but I have to go. My grandkids are in the other room mimicking the Did not, did too debates.

  3. Garnet92 says:

    Thanks Kathy, I enjoyed the Bozo suppositories too!

  4. WTXGunRunner says:

    Garnet, I’m at a loss for words. It has been a LONG time since I laughed THIS hard. OMG, I hurt AND my eyes won’t quit watering! Excellent! Loved it! AND, I would love to talk to ALL of those people you have living with you @ #1 Garnet Drive! ‘Bout all I can say! #SUPERPost

    • Garnet92 says:

      Damn WTX, you sure made my day! These things are fun to write and even more satisfying when someone else enjoys them as well. Thanks so much for the kudos!

  5. Hardnox says:

    A first class post! Thanks for the laughs..

    I can’t help but wonder what happened during your lifetime for you to think of such things. 🙂

    You have a gift my friend.

  6. Garnet92 says:

    Thanks “Nox, I blame it on the nuns – I went to Catholic school up until high school and they (apparently) had a major influence on my psyche – IT’S THE NUNS!

  7. Mrs AL says:

    I’ll be back to comment when I have stopped laughing …