No one realized what was happening when liberals solidified their stranglehold on the U.S., it just sorta happened. We were like a frog in a pot of water – at first the water was cool and refreshing, then cozy and warm, and in the blink of an eye, we were frog soup.
First, they took the Presidency, next they tightened their control of the Senate, then they gained control of the House, and finally, naming new Justices, they increased the liberal majority on the Supreme Court.
Then the changes came – nothing was sacred – we were doomed.
We learned about these events when papers were discovered that detailed how Michel Nostradamus created a machine that let him view the future. Those documents enabled scientists to duplicate his device, allowing them to see the world yet to come.
Over several months of viewing sessions, the scientists documented observations of life as it will be in the future – it’s not a pretty picture …
Be aware that this is the second part of this series. To read the first part (which covered chapter 1, The Environment, and chapter 2, Immigration, click here.
You should also know that some of the issues found by our scientists may be considered “PG,” if you are easily offended, go read something else.
Called YomamaCare, the universal healthcare program covers everything, cradle-to-grave, for every citizen. Even state-of-the-art procedures like leaching, blood-letting, and epoxy enemas are fully covered.
YomamaCare has been the driving force behind the development of CGC (Chosen Gender Cloning) which creates a clone of the subject individual, but in the opposite gender. Choice of the two genders (four in California) is determined by the subject, thus allowing a person to successfully execute the oft-stated admonition to “go [bleep] yourself.”
Though largely unsuccessful in his previous attempts, Minister of Health W. E. Coyote, is leading the research to find a vaccine for the elusive Roadrunner strain of bird-flu. As a result of his personal participation in the bird-flu research, Minister Coyote contracted the dreaded “Meep Meep” virus and periodically has relapses causing unusual accidental injuries (mostly involving mountains, jet power, or TNT).
Being overweight is no longer a problem. Fat suctioning has become common. Fortunately, YomamaCare covers all procedures that suck, like: thighposuction and rumposuction. And, with a nod towards recycling, the removed fat is then rendered into cooking oil and sold to fast food chains. Yummy!
Under YomamaCare, the onset of an illness must be scheduled in 30 days in advance in order to see a Physician Associate Assistant Intern. Accidents must also be scheduled but only require a 10-day wait.
NOTE to patients: Please be patient when scheduling an accident or illness, YomamaCare Schedulers are not required to speak English and have difficulty with any activity more demanding than slumping.
Another IMPORTANT NOTE: Explosive Diarrhea is exempt from scheduling, but requires a 48 hour notice to reserve a hazmat team to hose-down walls, floors, and innocent bystanders after the event subsides.
The drug powerhouse Price-Spitzer, Inc. has received FDA approval for two new drugs, Obamacillin and Obamamycin. Dubbed the “Messiah Drugs”, they have been responsible for complete eradication of traits found to be undesirable in the early 2000s (during the reign of Obama the First). The drugs eliminated troublesome personality disorders such as: bravery, courage, honesty, loyalty, rationality and being sincere. As an unexpected benefit, the drugs also control jock itch.
Commercial companies have secured contracts with YomamaCare. For example, IKEA offers stylish Scandinavian replacement organs. Oscar Meyer and Kwik Kar operate chains of clinics that install and service the replacement lips, noses, ears, toes, etc., and Fancy Feast provides used-organ disposal services.
Always popular, Pep Boys drive-thru cosmetic surgery centers are also covered. They are known for their “buy one, get one free” promotions. Manny, Moe, and Jack happily provide personal hands-on after-care for boob jobs (boobs are big at Pep Boys), with buttockal reductions following close behind.
Woodup and Limpbegon have been developed as replacements for Viagra and Cialis. The new ED drugs utilize a two part formula (Extender and Hardener) that activates when applied vigorously to the member.
WARNING: African-American men should not apply in a confined space such as a small bathroom, phone booth, or while in line at the DMV. Additionally, care should be exercised if applying in a parking garage as several Morris Minis have been knocked down – no cases of Minis being knocked up have been reported.
As a limited time promotional package, Woodup comes with nifty toss-rings and horseshoes and not to be outdone, Limpbegon is offering small national flags and sock puppets.
A new program under YomamaCare is especially important to seniors. ExpiroCare assigns each senior (over 50) a number. When the senior’s number is up, he or she is whisked away for a free, all-expense-paid trip to a seniors-only “resort” destination where there are no worries about money or health. ExpiroCare representatives are quick to assure families that the seniors embrace their new, exciting condition so fully, that not one has ever returned.
Abdul’s Airline is the only passenger airline still flying. Fares have increased so much that most ticket purchases now are paid by installment loan. Abdul Air’s rate structure determines fares by fare class, passenger weight, and odds of arrival.
Abdul Air no longer allows checked baggage since cargo space has been reconfigured to carry passengers. Called “Inert Class” seating, the passenger space is not pressurized or heated. Blankets and oxygen are available from the attendant for a nominal fee.
Abdul Air has taken a marketing page from an airline that existed back in the early part of the century and has instituted a “Bugs Fly Free” promotion whereby passengers may bring their own personal bedbugs along at no additional charge.
With the elimination of checked baggage, passengers have resorted to creative ways of getting prohibited articles past the screening stations. In view of this new threat, Son-of-a-TSA has instituted full disrobing and pat-down inspections.
Some have complained that attractive females were disproportionately sent through special screening lines for evaluation. College scholarships and Neiman-Marcus gift certificates were awarded to those receiving high marks from a panel of judges. Judge positions have become so sought after; they are now traded on the NYSE and auctioned at Sotheby’s.
It is not uncommon for some wealthy judges to reward attractive, especially compliant females with automobiles and condominiums. Since sugar has been outlawed, the old gentlemen providing “assistance” to the compliant females are now called “sugar-substitute daddys.”
Personal mobility utilizes vehicles manufactured by Yugo Ltd. The most popular model, the “Yugo-girl”, runs fine for 28 days, then becomes uncooperative and hard to start for a few days. Yugo recommends that men avoid contact with this model during the cranky period.
Gasoline and diesel fuels have been replaced by an inexpensive renewable resource – i.e., legume (bean) power. Efficiency is excellent; thirty-two ounces (two 16oz cans) of navy beans will power a vehicle for about 400 miles and about $5 will “gas up” (in the truest sense) at any convenience store or truck stop.
Performance-minded drivers will find that jalapeno ranch beans provide maximum power but the excessively hot gasses tend to really, really, burn the exhaust pipe.
The EPA hasn’t yet figured out why the green gaseous “contrail” following behind a bean-powered vehicle appears to wilt weeds and kill small rodents. However, they are reluctant to ban the vehicles since millions of highway maintenance dollars are saved by keeping the streets weed-free.
Detractors complain that the vehicles emit foul-smelling fumes, but proponents point to savings over petroleum vehicles – even with their musical exhaust note and safe, but smelly emissions. A marketing slogan offered by the Bean Power Institute is “Bean power – it’s ok to pass gas … … stations.”
To combat competition from alternative fuels, Shell, Mobil, and Exxon introduced a marketing campaign using a pricing model pioneered by food and candy suppliers. They’re publicizing a reduction in the price of gasoline to $3.00gl. Concurrent with the price reduction, the unit of measure was changed from a gallon to a “gulun”. Abbreviated “gl”, a gulun = 2 quarts.
All stop signs have been removed. Intersections now contain “PIT” signs (Please Interrupt Transit) encouraging drivers to voluntarily defer right-of-way. The word “STOP” was seen as too bossy and did not consider how it might intimidate troubled individuals. Some drivers stopped what they were doing (makeup, shaving, eating, text-messaging, etc.) some drivers simply stopped (and are still there), and a few stopped breathing and died.
Traffic signals are being moved because the Ministry of Spiritual Guidance determined that placement of the traffic lights was all wrong from a Feng Shui perspective. The Ministry is confident that balancing the Feng Shui is more important than drivers actually being able to see a traffic signal anyway.
Proper Feng Shui placement resulted in some odd locations for the traffic lights. For example, Felonious Jones was surprised to find officials installing a traffic light on his patio (his neighbor already has one under a large oak tree). Other locations identified by critics include a Taco Bell drive up, and a Macy’s parking garage. Feng Shui supporters say that even when the lights can’t be seen by drivers, they’re still projecting good Chi.
Additionally, a study showed that the red “stop” light was a color associated with anger and could promote aggressive actions. The “yellow” light implied cowardice of the driver, which resulted in an “oh yeah, I’ll show you, asshole!” reaction. Only the “green” light had no negatives, although it did trigger levels of sex pheromones sufficient to make people especially horny.
Problems resulted when a Departments of Transportation trial placed temporary covers on the red and yellow lights, leaving only the green light visible in all directions. The result was a bunch of horny people, all trying to get through an intersection at the same time. Usually, the men got through quickly while the women complained because the men got through before they did.
5. World Affairs
The “Safer World for Our Children” treaty was ratified in December when the world’s powers destroyed all of their nuclear stockpiles and committed to abolishing all warlike actions. The treaty is hailed as the “end of all hostilities and the start of a peaceful future for our children.”
The next day, when they verified that the world’s powers had indeed destroyed their stockpiles of WMDs, Iran announced that they just remembered where they had misplaced their secret nuclear arsenal and demanded that the entire world surrender immediately.
Our Unconditional Surrender Negotiator, D. Licious O’Bama was caught off guard by Iran’s move, he believed them to be benign and thought that they liked us; they really, really, liked us.
Wang Ma Poo, North Korea’s Dear Leader, threatened to boycott all dismantlement and arms freeze agreements and resume his nuclear program if the embargo of his super-lifts continues. He depends on the shoe-lifts to reach his normal height of 4’1”.
Israelistine is back at the negotiating table, attempting to resolve decades-old issues with itself. So far, the only agreement ratified has North Gaza firing rockets into South Gaza on even-numbered days, while South Gaza returns fire to the north on odd-numbered days.
Despite playing dead for decades, Osama bin Laden has once again been seen in the Waziristan region of Pakistan. He was supposedly visiting his girlfriend, Omama bin Saggin. The couple was recently spotted in a Starbucks in Parachinar where he was seen ordering a “decaf goat milk Latte.” He was quoted as saying, “reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”
Since militant Islam is no longer able to persuade human volunteers to become martyrs, they’ve turned to using trained monkeys to carry saddlebags of explosives into restaurants and town squares. Fortunately, the trained monkeys are smarter than the human martyrs and simply disarm the bombs and immediately go to the Virgin Monkey Store to get their 72 virgin monkeys. As a result, Virgin Monkey, Ltd. is running out of virgin monkeys.
6. Politics and Government
The Ninth Circuit also repealed all federal laws and noted that old laws were too strict and did not allow an opportunity for a “do-over.” Penalties for breaking a law were uncivilized and downright mean-spirited and didn’t mitigate punishment when the offender was really, really sorry. The Justices have scheduled a hearing to consider the “Crossed Finger” defense.
All old laws have been replaced by “Suggestions” and in a rare case of accord, the court voted unanimously to require that all Suggestions (laws) begin with the word “Please” and end with “if you don’t mind.”
The U.S. no longer votes for a president. Our “Messiah Savior” is now selected by exit poll votes taken from shoppers leaving Sam’s Club and Costco. Ms. Willy Wanker-Clinton (Chelsea’s daughter, known as “Slick Willemina”) is in her final term as Messiah Savior.
After leaving office, Ms. Wanker-Clinton is expected to spend her time raising funds for the “Exposed Willy Wing” of the Clinton Liberry and Massage Parlor. The family is leaving no stones unturned in erecting the Exposed Willy wing and are determined to let it “all hang out” when interviewing interns.
A Board of Ministers has replaced the old House and Senate congressional bodies. No longer are citizens inconvenienced by those pesky elections, the new governing board is bi-partisan, being composed of equal numbers of liberal progressives and progressive liberals.
The ASPCA has been picketing the Bush presidential library for months, ever since they learned that he had been committed to a “war on terriers.” Ms. Sue Phlay, spokesperson for the picketers, asked the tearful question “why did Bush start a war on terriers? What kind of man would declare war on those sweet little dogs”?
All weapons have been outlawed. Included are any objects that might “cause harm,” including, but not limited to: rulers, brooms, mops, hoes (not ho’s), nail clippers, starched cloth, and any stiff paper capable of producing vicious paper cuts. All pointed objects are prohibited, notwithstanding reproductions of Harry Reid’s head and Nancy Pelosi’s nose.
While citizens are not allowed to possess weapons of any sort, there is a flourishing underground market for pearl handled paperweights, stainless steel frying pans, and high capacity bookends. There is also an underground market for really vulgar and repugnant invectives and clever, creative obscenities.
Jails and prisons have been abolished in favor of Focus Centers. A stay in one of the centers is challenging – meals consist of overdone croissants, domestic cheese, and generic box wine … it’s simply awful! Plastic dining ware and paper plates are almost more than a person can take. Leisure suits for men and burqas for women are polyester (gag) and a Starbucks break wagon only stops once a week. It is a truly horrid place.
Male guests are encouraged to be friendly by picking up the soap when dropped in the communal shower. Introductions are suggested when entering the shower and/or showerer.
Unrepentant offenders are required to attend recorded lectures by Dr. Phil, participate in group hugs, and fondle elderly staff members. An especially repugnant offense gets the offender sponge-bath time with 83-year-old Ms. Ginger Vitus, the 330 lb. enema matron.
The Ninth Circuit is currently reviewing whether forced fondling of the elderly constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. Wrinkle count, belly fold overlap, and degree of sag imposed by gravity will all be factors considered when determining the presence of cruelty.
A recently discovered decades-old memo from former SecDef Nancy Pelosi has the country’s few remaining conservatives up in arms. It had authorized Tabasco enemas and urine-boarding as approved methods of interrogation when extracting information from Republicans. The methods were stopped when the inflictors found that too many of the RINOs enjoyed the activities, defeating the purpose.
Her office admitted that she had indeed authorized the methods, but they had outlived their usefulness since the remaining few “Republicans” turned out to be Progressives in Republican Clothing anyway (PRICs).
The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) released a statement today that they have completed a successful rollout of Obamacare using the healthcare.gov website. Officials cautioned that it is still in a fragile state and there may still be “glitches.” Setting a new record for Most Unsuccessful Government Program Evah, the completion of a single signup was cause for celebration at the HHS complex. The program has been under development for over five decades and was replaced by YomamaCare in the early 2000s.
Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of “America’s Future,” when we’ll learn more of what the future holds (and it ain’t pretty).