America’s Future When Liberals Rule [satire]

No one realized what was happening when liberals solidified their stranglehold on the U.S., it just sorta happened. We were like a frog in a pot of water – at first the water was cool and refreshing, then cozy and warm, and in the blink of an eye, we were frog soup.

First, they took the Presidency, next they tightened their control of the Senate, then they gained control of the House, and finally, naming new Justices, they increased the liberal majority on the Supreme Court.

Then the changes came – nothing was sacred – our way of life was doomed.

We learned about these events because of recently discovered papers detailing how Michel Nostradamus had created a machine that let him view the future. Those documents enabled scientists to duplicate his device and enabled them to actually see the world yet to come.

Over several months of viewing sessions, the scientists documented observations of life as it will be with liberals in charge – it’s not a pretty picture. You can consider what life will be like as you read the predictions of what will be …

1. The Environment

The government has mandated the reduction of personal body temperatures from 98.6 to 97.4 to reduce global warming. Any citizen with a temperature above the baseline is subject to ice water enemas until their body temperature drops to 97.4, the new normal.

Citizens are required to skip every other breath (to reduce CO2 emissions) and to release flatulence only in their own homes (or be fitted with a personal fart-scrubber).

Global warming advocate Al Gore filed suit to have each recording station’s devices tested to find any uncounted degrees that might be left hanging about. West Palm Beach, Florida officials were called to account when they had difficulty identifying whether a temperature had been recorded in Celsius or Fahrenheit (some stations reported both, calling the results into question).

PETV (People for the Ethical Treatment of Vermin) has finally succeeded in adding cockroaches to the endangered species list. Any activity that disrupts a cockroach’s natural lifestyle is prohibited. The ban specifically prohibits turning on a kitchen light at night.

Now that the air is cleaner, pollution is no longer restraining natural evolution. One unfortunate effect is that the Texas Horny Cockroach is now the size of a small terrier and has learned to upend a human who tries to step on one. People should be especially wary of those wearing red bandanas as they have formed a gang and will retaliate via a “scurry-by” attack.

The administration denies the rumor that there is a really, really big extension cord crossing under the St. Claire river at Port Huron MI and plugged into a Canadian nuclear power plant. The Canadian Power Ministry has found that 300 MW that has “gone missing,” and is suspicious of a really large cable that disappears into the river and is plugged into a really, really big junction box on the U.S. side.

When satellite-mounted prisms were deployed to redirect the sun’s energy to solar collectors, an unintended side-effect plunged northern California into darkness. Polls conducted in the other 56 states show that 57% think that northern California had been “in the dark” for years anyway, 31% responded that San Francisco and Oakland had gone over to the “dark side” a long time ago, and 12% said “it was a racist plot to keep the black man down.”

A number of California cities, flush with success after banning all types of smoking everywhere, are submitting legislation to ban undocumented wildfire smoke from their jurisdictions. “That smoke simply doesn’t have the right to come in to our city without going through proper channels. It’s a matter of honoring our borders,” said Nosmo King, spokesperson for The Coalition to Stop Undocumented Smoke Now.

Wind power as an energy source has had only limited success. Studies show that the only location with a dependable supply of hot air was where politicians were speaking. These speeches resulted in clouds of flatulent air characterized by a certain pungency known to cause olfactory distress to any unfortunate soul that happened to be downwind.

With seas subsiding (dropping almost a foot since 2027), the newly available beachfront real estate has proven an economic boon for the government. Since the Steal the Beach Act of 2030, the federal government automatically owns any property created by retreating water. Proposed uses for the valuable property include golf courses and resorts for union bosses, vacation homes for members of the People’s Congress, and nude beaches for the especially buxom.

2. Immigration

Immigration policies were completely restructured so that Vegetation Control Technicians and Fruit Acquisition Specialists (and their families) are automatically registered as democrat voters upon “crossing the plane” of the southern U.S. border. Voting proxies are also filed which give the Speaker of the People’s Congress (currently Representative Loosely Pelosi) the right to cast votes on their behalf.

Amnesty has been granted to all “pre-legal” immigrants already in the U.S. They’ll receive U.S. citizenship along with a check to cover retroactive benefits. The payment is to compensate them for benefits to which they would have been entitled if they’d gotten here sooner. The Department of Compassion didn’t want to penalize them for late arrival.

The Department of Compassion has started another progressive program, called the “level playing field” program. It applies to all citizens, regardless of their native language or country of origin. Effective Jan. 1, all government documents and signage will be produced in Esperanto only, thus removing any advantage that English-speaking citizens would have had over disadvantaged immigrants. “We just want everyone to have an equal opportunity,” said Director Dr. Pepe Roni.

And to further the diversity of language, a signing bonus is paid to those who do not speak English and will promise not to learn. Opponents complain that this is just to justify the $606 billion dollars spent on Esperanto signage.

With large concentrations of new citizens flexing their political muscle, the state previously known as Texas will be renamed “Texico,” California is being renamed “Tacofornia,” and efforts are underway in Arizona to change that state’s name to “Refried Arizona.”

The usually contentious issue of jobs for the new citizens was put to rest by hiring all undocumented immigrants into government jobs. The new employees were easily trained by existing public servants to adopt the classic government employee attitudes of belligerence, and hostility.

A new class of government employee has been created to provide interpretive services between the usual, everyday government workers and citizens who require assistance. Since civil service union rules prohibit government workers from actually helping anyone, the new employees will act as if they care, thus relieving civil servants from the stress of pretending.

One of the most sought-after new jobs is Terrorist Screener. With profiling forbidden, terrorists are required to voluntarily self-identify themselves as terrorists and specify “murder and mayhem” as the purpose for their visit. Absent such evidence, all new immigrants are welcomed. So far, the new program has been hailed as a huge success since no admitted terrorists have been caught attempting entry.

As a result of the new immigration policies, Mexico’s entire population has immigrated to the U.S. – Mexico is now empty.

As they were no longer needed, the Obama “Bridges To Hope” over the Rio Grande were demolished. The thirty-two bridges had served their purpose in facilitating the movement of Mexicans into the United Estates by eliminating the bottlenecks that used to be caused by those pesky border crossings.

Stay tuned for the next installment of America’s Future When Liberals Rule when we expose the Healthcare and Transportation “improvements” of the future.

 

Tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to America’s Future When Liberals Rule [satire]

  1. Clyde says:

    Excellent, excellent post, Garnet. ALL good comedy has that element of truth. Can’t WAIT for the next installment. Get busy. haha

  2. Kathy says:

    Great stuff, as always, Garnet. The problem is, the way things are going, it’s not too far from the truth.

  3. Are you sure this is SATIRE~!~?~!~?

  4. Hardnox says:

    Good stuff. I noticed that you got your “fart” quips in. 🙂

  5. Garnet92 says:

    Guilty Nox, I like to think of farts as being nature’s pressure release valve – just think, if we didn’t fart, where would all of that explosive gas go? It would build up and build up until … one day … KA-BOOM!

  6. Terry says:

    Another classic Garnet. And possibly not that far in the future. Maybe around post-Hildabeast 2020 ?

    I’m sitting white-knuckled with dread for the next chapters.

  7. bullright says:

    Great writing. You paint a vivid picture. We are more than halfway there, the rest will go much faster now.

  8. Pingback: America’s Future When Liberals Rule, Part 2 [satire] - 'Nox & Friends

  9. Pingback: America’s Future When Liberals Rule, Part 3 [satire] - 'Nox & Friends