Funny Friday – Oct. 18, 2013

—oo—

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% .

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

—oo—

 TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING: (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

—oo—

hu

… on first?

—oo—

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

“Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”

“Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”

“Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property.”

Sarah replies, “Property ……the schmuck had a newspaper route.”

—oo—

This morning I was beaten up by a woman.

I was in an elevator when this beautiful  busty woman got in.

I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1?

So I did.

I don’t remember much after that.

—oo—

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual “dumb blonde” jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…pathetically all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: “You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little shit on your lap!”

—oo—

(hat-tip to Bob, Hershey, Kenny, and Buck)

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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5 Responses to Funny Friday – Oct. 18, 2013

  1. Terry says:

    Great ones, ‘Nox ! I am proud to say I follow MOST of the redneck rules.
    But let’s keep the blonduh jokes rolling (for you-know-who ) :

    A blonde and a brunette are catching up after having not seen each other for a while. The brunette says to the blonde, “I’m married to Kenny now.”
    The blonde replies, “Really, I used to date him. Isn’t he the one with the really bad dandruff?”
    “Yeah,” answered the brunette, “but I fixed that, I gave him Head & Shoulders.”
    The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, “How do you give shoulders?”

    baddabing !

    A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

    When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

    “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

    The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

    “From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

    “No, from skipping.”

  2. Mrs AL says:

    Another funny grouping, Hardnox.

    For folks from Texas I offer the following:

    Cruising through Texas, a tourist asks a cattleman the name of his ranch. It’s the Bar Seven, Double O, Rocking J, Flying M, says the rancher. Do you have a lot of cattle? Nope, he says. Not too many survive the branding.

  3. Kathy says:

    Good ones, guys…well, some of them.

    Definitions for Men and Women

    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

    Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.

    Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

    Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.

    Male….. Playing football without a cup.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

    Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.

    Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

    4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

    Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.

    Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

    Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.

    Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

    Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.

    Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

    Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

    Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

    Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

    Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

  4. Hardnox says:

    All, those were great thanks for playing.