Funny Friday – Oct. 11, 2013

—oo—

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocked on the window.

The driver rolled down the window and asked, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asked.

The man replied, “Roughly a gallon.”

—oo—

ff-9.27.13a

 

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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and an AK-47 weren’t what they had in mind.

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ff-9.27.13b

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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.

That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.

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sandwich

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An elderly couple is attending church services.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?’

He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’

—oo—

Stupidlibs

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Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was severely injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the aircraft carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship’s hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he was now physically impaired he did not remain on flight status but eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn’t help but notice that you’re missing your starboard ear, and I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact, and threw him out of his office

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well, yes, Sir. You seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out, as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, “Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses.”

The Admiral was impressed, and thought to himself, ‘What an incredibly tactful Marine’. “And how would you know that?”, the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: “Well, Sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f*%kin’ ear!”

—oo—

(hat-tip to Grouchy, Skip, and Kenny)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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15 Responses to Funny Friday – Oct. 11, 2013

  1. Terry says:

    Funny stuff ‘Nox ! Damn the price of gas…how much do they need ?

    HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

    1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work
    boots.

    2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
    Magazine.

    3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

    4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

    “Bubba,

    Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
    Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
    messed him up bad. I don’t think Fang took part, but it was hard to tell
    from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house.

    Better wait outside. Be right back.

    “Cooter”

  2. Mrs AL says:

    Thanx for the giggles!! My contribution:

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

    She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

    The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

  3. Kathy says:

    LOL, good ones, you guys. Love the turkeys, Mrs. AL!

    A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

    Just before the school year started, he injured his back.

    He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

    On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

    Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

    Dead silence…..
    The rest of the year went very smoothly.

  4. Great ones, folks,,, LOVE the Marine Sergeant school teacher~!,,,

    A Boy’s First Condom

    I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt that the young lady (I think her Name was Nola) knew what they were for.

    She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

    I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’

    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

    Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’

    So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

    She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

    Then she beat the shit out of me….

    Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

  5. Clyde says:

    All good stuff. What is the difference between cowboy boots, and truckdriver boots? Answer: The cowboy boots have the bullshit on the outside.

  6. Buck says:

    Asshole admiral….A4…Dumb as dirt…Gee, I didn’t know McCain held command after release from his singing lessons in Hanoi.

  7. Garnet92 says:

    My personal favorite was the Admiral and the Sergeant major!